


Ink-Painted World

by Ayane88



Category: Shin Sangokumusou | Dynasty Warriors
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2018-03-26 15:58:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 51,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3856510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ayane88/pseuds/Ayane88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You made me smile when I needed it the most. I will make sure your kindness will not be forgotten."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Could you help us find her?

**Author's Note:**

> Beta read by bluntforcemomma.  
> And improved by her as well, I'd credit her as the co-author, but she has no account here, so I cannot add her. Still, thank you very much, my dear.

This was not the way the battle was supposed to end. Guan Yu had been fated to win — he and his son Guan Ping were supposed to return from the assault on Fan Castle and then inform Lord Liu Bei on how they had managed to secure another victory for Shu. He still found it hard to believe that even Wu and Wei together proved overwhelming for the God of War.

Their task had been simple: assist Guan Yu and his heirs for the glory of Shu.

Even against the might of Yueying’s war machines, Wei defences had seemed infallible. Even Ma Chao the Splendid and he, his cousin Ma Dai, had been powerless against the onslaught. Despite their most heated efforts, they had failed – Guan Yu was dead. Guan Ping was dead. And now Guan Xing, Guan Suo, and Guan Yinping were nearly half a family short. Two less people, and they were alone.

Just like he was. Just like he had always been.

Along with the rest of the country, Shu withered underneath the tides of war. Losing both Guan Yu and Zhang Fei proved too much for their beloved ruler. The remaining Guan siblings lapsed into depression after losing their father and brother. Jing Province had been forcefully returned to Wu and split between them and Wei. Sunrises at Shu never seemed so bleak.

After he had returned to Chengdu, the first thing Ma Dai spotted was Guan Xing and Guan Suo leaving the castle on their steeds. The younger Guan yelled in his direction, “Hey Ma Dai, have you seen our sister anywhere?! She’s been gone since— since the battle.” Once again, the question presented itself to him.

“Could you help us find her?”

Ma Dai’s eyelids felt heavier than his spirits at the moment. After being sent to heaven-knows-where with Ma Chao (who had spent most of the time going on about righteous justice and avenging their fallen comrades), the last thing he wanted to do was waste time looking for a newly-made orphan who probably needed some time away from the world. Still, he was Ma Dai – he had always been the guy who cheered everyone up and never ignored a plea for help from a friend.

That, and Master Guan Yu had been slain because of him.

It was a horrible thought, surely, one that would be met with harsh words of concern from his sword-brothers at Shu. Whether he liked it or not, that lone idea revisited him like a specter – or maybe a premonition.

What if this? What if that? Maybe he could have chosen a horse that was a little less panicky around spears. He could have taken his chances with a different, perhaps stronger weapon. He could have been here instead of there, fighting and dying alongside Guan Yu rather than holding off Wei troops. He kept planning all these little steps he could have taken, as if the battle hadn’t already happened and Guan Yu wasn’t already dead.

It wasn’t his fault – he knew in the back of his mind; there was nothing he could have reasonably done. The outcome of the battle was the will of the gods.

But he was Ma Dai, cousin of Ma Chao. It was in his nature to care too much, to give that much of himself to the cause. He sighed.

“I’ll try and do what I can.”

—–

“Everyone is looking for you, you know.” Mai Dai strode in quietly, not wanting to frighten her. “Hope I didn’t disturb you, Lady Yinping.”

Finding the runaway daughter hadn’t been difficult. She was seated on the grass, nestled behind a small hill a couple of miles from the castle.

Her brothers must have panicked. She was their family, their blood, their only sister. They had already lost their father and their oldest brother – they weren’t going to risk losing her, too.

She was like a shadow, so jarringly quiet, with hair as black as ink stretching down her back and onto the grass. She hadn’t even noticed him approaching. At his words, she dared a quick glance at the man and quietly uttered, “I’m sorry… I didn’t want anyone to worry…”

She hugged her knees closer to her chest and stared off into the horizon. She had been watching the clouds to the south slowly grow darker and thicker, threatening a storm. She could only imagine all the bodies that were still out there, their bloodied clothing polluted by rain. The bodies of her father and Ping.

“Did you walk all the way out here by yourself? It would have been quicker on a horse, you know.” He smiled at her — just like how he smiled at everyone else — but she seemed to ignore him. That grin faltered. “Your brothers are really worried about you.”

The swelling silence got caught in her throat, and she coughed up a pained sob. It was the kind that everyone in Shu was used to hearing lately. It was the lament of missing family members and a burning home, a call of surrender to the grief that a person could no longer bear in silence. A feeling he sometimes knew too well.

She began to shiver; and for a moment, Ma Dai was afraid she’d break her own legs from how hard she was squeezing them.

“I was so weak,” she murmured through her tears. “I… I could not help… Father, Ping, I should have… I should have been able to save them! But… I couldn’t do anything!”

He remained silent as she wept. With each quiet, ragged breath, he started to hate himself a little more. If he had been a better warrior, he and his cousin would have been able to get to them in time. Guan Yu wouldn’t have had to see his own son die in front of him. Yinping wouldn’t have to suffer all by herself, like now.

He snapped his eyes shut. “If you want to blame anyone for this, please blame me.”

His words caught her off guard, and she looked to the man who fell onto his knees right next to her. His smile was long gone. She had never seen Ma Dai with such a serious expression on his face. He seemed a bit scary, but the words that left his lips were far from that.

“You did all you could to help your family. My cousin and I were responsible for protecting you all, but we couldn’t even get past the Wei units.” He shook his head. “So please, don’t think you’ve failed them. You’re a formidable warrior as any other, Guan Yinping. I’m honored to have fought alongside you. I’m sure your father and brother are proud.”

Her eyes widened, causing stray tears to slip down her cheeks. Why would Ma Dai even say such things? She had never once believed that what had happened was his fault. She barely knew him! But here he was now, trying with such humility to make her feel better.

“I… thank you…” were the only words she could manage before a snap of thunder cut her off.

“My lady, it’s raining. Come on.” Without a second thought, he scooped her into his arms and mounted his horse. All the things she had heard about Ma Dai’s impressive horse-riding skills were true. It all happened so quickly that she didn’t notice until he placed his hat on top of her head.

“I can’t let a lady get soaked in the rain, can I?” he asked with a smile plastered on his face. She opened her mouth to reply, but Ma Dai hurried his horse with a jolt.

The wind cut against her cheeks and wiped away her tears. She instinctively wrapped her arms around Ma Dai’s shoulders, afraid of falling. Though, she was sure with all his experience on horseback, he wasn’t going to let her bump her head on the trail.

 _I could use some more practice with horse-riding,_ she thought. It seemed a little out of place, thinking about training again when she had been feeling so low just moments before. Maybe it meant that she was beginning to feel a little bit better. _Thank you, Ma Dai._

—–

Ma Dai had never heard so many “I’m sorrys” and “thank yous”, especially not one after the other.

“Does your throat still hurt? I brought you some porridge. Here.” Yinping gently laid a steaming iron pot of rice porridge onto his lap. He hissed in pain, his legs shifting. She quickly hauled the pot back into her arms. “Oh, sorry! It’s still very hot.”

“It’s fine. I’m surprised you can even carry that thing.” He eyed the massive cooking vat in her skinny arms. He had witnessed about five or six soldiers hauling it up the castle steps earlier that morning.

“Is it not enough? I can ask Yueying to make some more.” Yinping set the pot onto the floor. Ma Dai swore he felt the ground tremble. “Sorry. If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have gone out into the rain and gotten sick.”

“No need to apologize, Lady Yinping. It’s what I do,” he replied bashfully, a small smile forming on his lips. “I am Ma Dai, after all. Not as heroic as my cousin, but I’m here.”

“So you are.” She returned his smile. “Thank you again for yesterday. You didn’t have to…”

“No, it was kind of fun.” He punctuated his statement with a small cough. “I’m surprised you’re still talking to me. I thought you would hate me by now.”

“No, I don’t hate you. I never did, just to let you know.” She rolled on the balls of her heels. “But I feel I must make amends for your illness. Sorry for that, by the way.”

“Aren’t you afraid I’ll get you sick, too?” Ma Dai quirked a brow.

“I don’t mind.” She shook her head. “I kind of deserve it, anyway.”

“Don’t say that. I’m honored—“ He coughed into his arm. “I’m honored to fall ill for my lady.”

My lady. Yinping’s cheeks heated up. “Thanks. If there’s anything you need, you can ask me. I’ll try my best.”

She gave a nod. She wasn’t entirely sure what to make of this messy-haired artist with the easy smile, the one who made people like Xu Shu laugh. However, it was on her honor as Guan Yu’s daughter to repay the kindnesses shown to her.

She hoped to see him smile always.


	2. Bad Red Hare!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again beta read and improved by bluntforcemomma.  
> My dear, you cannot imagine how much I appreciate your help.

Guan Yinping turned out to be quite a skilled nurse. Thanks to her help, Ma Dai overcame his cold fairly quickly. Though, she found herself unable to repay his kindness properly, since he was sent back to Liang the moment he recovered.

Regardless, her plan had to wait. She didn’t even have a proper idea on how to repay him. How could she thank the person who had made her smile for the first time since losing two people that were close to her heart? What could she give to someone who would ride on horseback to Hell and back for the people he cared about?

It posed an overwhelming question, but it had to wait until later. Now, she busied herself with grooming Red Hare, her father’s beloved horse. The one that Lu Bu had murdered his adoptive father for. The dream or nightmare of every rider. Even though people often mistook it for a demon at first glance, the animal was quite peaceful as it rested on the hay. It loved to be tended to and given sugar cane. It was almost hard to believe that Lu Bu had painted battlefields red with this horse.

Still, it had been months since her father’s passing, months since anyone took poor Red Hare for a ride. Yinping had been responsible for taking it out to graze, yet she had never attempted to mount it. She was decent as a rider, but not a seasoned one. The beast had been behaving rather calmly despite the loss of yet another master; but she wasn’t sure if her hands were firm enough to lead it into the pasture, much less into battle.

Like any other warrior, the horse still ached for training. Her father would not be pleased to see the stallion in such bad shape. She sighed and, with little effort, fitted the heavy saddle onto Red Hare’s back.

The sunlight warmed her cheeks and shoulders. Despite the fires of war smoldering in the distance, summertime in Shu had always been beautiful. The verdant land continued to spread over ashes and arrows. Corpses were swallowed into the earth only to return as flowers. She herself was very strong – maybe she could endure one ride on the back of Red Hare.

Red Hare was a giant among horses, almost like a small hill. It took several clumsy attempts to hoist herself onto its back — she thanked the heavens that no one saw her thrashing around on the stallion. The animal rushed out of the stable as soon as she steadied herself on the saddle, as if responding to its previous masters. Yinping clenched the reigns in her fists as Red Hare made a frenzied dash towards the field.

“I see you’re excited! But slow down, Red Hare!” Though, all the shaking jolted her thoughts – she knew how to repay Ma Dai now! She could let him ride Red Hare!  
She was certain that he’d definitely appreciate it. His riding skills were known throughout the land. She had even been fortunate enough to observe his talent firsthand. Of course, he would have to return from Liang first. Second, Red Hare would have to eventually stop running, or else she’d end up in Wu territory by nightfall. Though, the animal seemed intent on running across the whole country.

—

Red Hare remained steadfast, whipping through flowered meadows and shallow streams, not heeding Yinping’s calls despite her pleads and rein-pulling. It proved to be a creature of ferocious stubbornness, just like her father had been. A couple of times, she had almost been thrown off its back; and in those moments, her awe-inducing strength seemed to be a gift from the gods. Without it, she would have been lying face-down on the grass a long time ago.

Finally, the horse came to a sliding halt in the middle of a clearing. She shifted stiffly to the side, catching a glimpse at the horse’s maw as if she couldn’t yet believe that Red Hare had gotten tired. Her whole body ached — every muscle felt sore — but Yinping felt a sense of contentment wash over her.

She made it. She could ride Red Hare just like her father had! Like in a dream, she briefly relived being a little girl riding horses with her papa. Her father would place her on Red Hare, and she’d shriek because of how high up she was from the earth. Those images blurred into memories of when her dear brother Ping would take her out for training, showing her the first steps to becoming a warrior. It felt like paradise until she remembered that those memories were just that. Memories. She would never get to share those moments again.

_Father… Ping… I miss you so much…_

Maybe it was her imagination, but Red Hare must have sensed she was getting lost in her own melancholy. It rushed ahead of itself, startling the woman.

“H- Hey, Red Hare, where are you going?” she asked, even though she didn’t expect the horse to answer back. Yet, she was thankful. Anything that distracted her from thinking about her father and Ping was more than welcome. The horse strolled towards some nearby trees, festooned with ripe pears.

“Are you hungry? Well, I think we can take a small break.” When it finally stopped to reach for the fruit hanging from the lower branches, Yinping decided to stretch her own legs. She started to dismount, yet she was so preoccupied with watching Red Hare eating the pears that she didn’t realize her foot had gotten stuck in the stirrup. She jumped off. The last thing she remembered was the sharp pain shooting up her ankle and into her back. She landed flat on the ground.

“Oww! That hurt!” she hissed through clenched teeth. She tried to sit up — that was not much of a problem — although her back ached like never before, but the pain in her ankle was overwhelming. The slightest move made her eyes fill with tears.

Red Hare stared at the girl for a while, neighed quietly, and took off into the distance.

“Wait! Come back! At least bring someone to help me!” Her hopes shrank as Red Hare ran further and further away, fading into the horizon. “What am I going to do now?!”

—

Liang did not disappoint Ma Dai, as usual. It hadn’t hampered the spirits of his cousin either, judging by Ma Chao’s recent tangent about how they’ve failed at Fan Castle and how they must double their efforts to “bring justice to this chaos-filled land”. He had to admit, though — his cousin’s passion hadn’t weakened at all, despite their recent losses.

All these years of fighting, and nothing had changed. The battles always seemed to end with them losing more soldiers and gaining nothing. The ground remained soaked with the blood of the fallen. The cries of the lonely and dying were hellish. Heart-breaking.

He could already spot the Castle of Chengdu emerging in the distance. All he wanted was to get some shut-eye after the long trip back in this merciless heat. His poor horse seemed exhausted, too. Traveling was all he had been doing lately. Go here, go there, escort the squads, train the new soldiers. Not a single moment of rest. Well, not exactly, given his recent visit to the capital which had resulted in him catching a small cold. On the bright side, it had allowed him a couple days of much needed leisure. Also, he did have someone to take care of him (kind of), which was a blessing during these cruel times.

He had never spoken much with Guan Yinping before, mostly because she was busy training (and unintentionally frightening the soldiers with her inhuman strength). Nevertheless, she turned out to be a really lovely young lady. A bit clumsy at times, but who could say no to someone that dedicated herself to protecting the people she loved?

He still remembered how he found her on the hill, consumed by the loss of her father and brother. How truly defeated she had looked, deprived of her will to endure another day. How thankful she had been for his kind words when he had done all he could to cheer her up. Plus, she had looked rather nice wearing his hat — not many could look as fashionable as he did while wearing it.

He yawned, thinking only of how he wanted to shed his armour and maybe sleep for two days straight. That is, until he caught glimpse of something huge and red tearing through the fields. It was unmistakably Red Hare, the treasured warhorse of Guan Yu. Ma Dai had seen it grazing around the castle before, but it hadn’t been wearing a saddle those times. The rider of the animal wasn’t present. That could only mean one thing – someone was probably hurt. It must have been one of the Guan siblings, surely. Only one of them would be foolhardy enough to try to ride their father’s treasured steed.

“Sometimes, I think I’m too nice.” He sighed as he led his horse in Red Hare’s direction. Upon seeing someone approaching, Red Hare shot off towards the south. It really couldn’t be scared of him, right? Maybe it was just being obstinate. Ma Dai jostled his horse into a run, staying at the beast’s fiery tail.

—

After several attempts to walk off her injury, Yinping was too exhausted to notice the horse’s return. The thundering of its hooves against the ground barely roused her, but a startlingly familiar voice caused her head to pivot from side to side.

“My lady, are you hurt?” Ma Dai nearly leapt off his horse before it even came to a stop.

“Oh, lord Ma Dai… You’re back.” Yinping’s face heated up. Out of all the people coming to her aid, it had to be the one man who already did so much for her. She twisted her damn ankle trying to figure out how she was going to repay him for the first time. Now, she was going to have to make it up to him twice as much! “How was Liang?”

“Everything is fine there, but you seem to be in a bit of trouble. What happened? Did Red Hare knock you off?” Ma Dai dropped down from his horse and slowly knelt down beside the grounded girl. She felt her cheeks flush again. How many times was this guy going to help her within such a short period? He removed his gloves from his hands and busied himself with gently examining Yinping’s bare leg. It was swollen red around the ankle.

“No, it was not the horse’s fault, it was mine,” she admitted coyly. “I wasn’t paying attention, and my foot got stuck, and I…”

His fingers were rough from battle, but she was surprised at how gentle his touch was. She didn’t feel much pain as he squeezed along her skin, checking for serious injuries.

“Well, you’re not bleeding, and your leg doesn’t seem to be broken. I think you’ll recover in no time, but you’re probably not walking back to the castle in that condition. Hope you don’t mind riding with me again.” He smiled at her reassuringly and hoisted her up, mindful of her ankle. Once again, Yinping found herself in the man’s arms.

Ma Dai wondered how someone so tiny and light could shoulder weights too heavy for a whole squad of soldiers. He paused by Red Hare. The horse was once again snacking on pears, as if nothing had happened. Mai Dai shook his head, speaking in a tone of mock indignation. “Bad Red Hare! How could you knock lady Guan Yinping off your back? Is this how a noble horse behaves?”

Yinping could not help but laugh. The horse ignored Ma Dai completely, still helping itself to the pears. Ma Dai’s face was twisted into a grotesque scowl, but he soon returned to his jovial grin. “But you brought me here, so you’re not that bad, I suppose.” He carefully mounted his horse.

As they headed towards the castle with a still-hungry Red Hare traipsing along, the two managed some awkward small talk. She felt a little guilty. Ma Dai had some dark creases underneath his eyes, but here he was babysitting her instead of resting. At this rate, she was never going to repay him.

Her gloomy demeanor didn’t go unnoticed by her riding partner. He smiled down at her.  
“Don’t worry, lady Yinping. It happens to the best of us. I could tell you legends about all my falls. Besides…” He craned his neck in a theatrical manner, then added in a whisper, “I have more than one drunken story about my cousin falling off his horse.”

She snorted and covered her mouth. Ma Chao the Splendid, diving off his horse after too much wine? She laughed out loud.

“I’m sorry, lord Ma Dai, but I can’t imagine that! You mean your cousin, Ma Chao?” She wriggled in his arms as she desperately tried to calm herself down.

His smile softened. “Yeah. I don’t have any other cousins, after all.”

The smile drifted from her face, and she seemed to sink in Ma Dai’s arms. Ma Chao was Ma Dai’s only family, right? She suddenly felt guilty for laughing. She was barely holding it together these days; but even then, she still had Xing and Suo. Losing so many family members drove some people to madness, yet Ma Dai always seemed so happy. She couldn’t help but wonder if his smile was a mask, his laughter a façade. What kind of man was the real Ma Dai?

“Are those ink stains on your fingers?” he asked out of the blue, looking down at her blackened hands.

Her skin burned with embarrassment. Not only did she look like the biggest failure in Shu, but now he probably thought that she didn’t know how to wash herself properly. Blood rushed to her cheeks, and she avoided his curious gaze. “Yes… I had been painting, and the ink…”

“Fellow artist! How nice!” he exclaimed in glee. “We should meet up sometime and paint together!”

Yinping dared a glance at his face, surprised by the happiness in his voice. “Uhm… I’m not much of an artist. I just do it for fun sometimes…”

“But you enjoy it, don’t you? If you do, it doesn’t matter if you’re an amateur or a professional. To me, it’s all about the love of the craft.” He infinitely preferred painting for leisure rather than painting for war.

Yinping’s eyes grew wide. Well, she could use someone to tutor her in calligraphy. Luckily for her, Ma Dai painted as well as he could ride horses. Plus, she was sure he wouldn’t laugh at her “pictures” that much.

“If you say so.” Yinping smiled at him. “I’d love to paint with you sometime.”


	3. Ink-flavoured tea

Even though it was supposed to be a friendly painting session, Guan Yinping found herself stirring with apprehension. Her drawings were far from perfect, pocked by tons of accidental ink stains. Her “calligraphy”, if it could even be considered that, looked like the inane scribblings of Zhang Jiao after a bender.

Knowing that someone like Ma Dai, a true artist and an exceptionally talented painter, would be overseeing her creations made her cheeks burn with embarrassment. She hoped he’d be kind enough not to laugh.  
It would be the first time she’d let a man into her personal chambers. Even though the purpose of this rendezvous was not-at-all inappropriate for two distinguished military officers, she couldn’t help but giggle to herself at the thought. Her father would have paid her a few impromptu visits throughout the course of the evening, his molten gaze pinned on the two of them. Knowing Ping, he would have done the same – he was always so overprotective. She used to think that they would never let her do anything by herself. That was before.

Suddenly, she could feel her eyes getting wet.

_I shouldn’t cry. They would not want to see me this way…_

She squeezed her eyes shut, stubbornly denying herself of tears. How many times was she going to do this to herself? She’d be floating in her inner thoughts like normal people do in their day-to-day lives – then, just as quickly, she would remember again. She’d recall bits and pieces of things she thought she had forgotten, things that made her chest tighten and her hands shake.

Hopefully, her remaining brothers weren’t planning on bothering them because she found herself craving space. Xing was discussing new strategies with Zhuge Liang, and Suo had been dispatched to deal with some bandit raids in the south. She would be spared the awkwardness of her brothers making Ma Dai feel like another no-good lecher, there to corrupt their innocent baby sister with his filthy paint and weirdly flamboyant hat.

Regardless, she was certain that Ma Dai, of all people, didn’t have any other purposes in mind for their meeting. He knew perfectly well that if he tried anything funny, she’d break him (and his paintbrush) in two. Just like countless other unfortunate, puny people during moments when she forgot her bear-like strength.

—

The sunlight had been slowly trickling out of the room for the past hour. Still, no Ma Dai.

The tea she had asked the maidens to prepare was already growing cold. Maybe he had changed his mind. Maybe he had decided that he had better things to do than waste time watching her desecrate the art of calligraphy. The poor guy probably didn’t have the heart to tell her; she’d totally understand.

Still, Yinping could feel the disappointment sinking in. Ma Dai was the one who had wanted to meet and paint together in the first place! Nevertheless, she half-heartedly brushed out some lines of Cai Wenji’s poetry in messy characters. Xingcai had always said that skipping training was inexcusable, even if it wasn’t combat training.

During the rare occasions she was able to practice caligraphy, she’d occupy herself with copying scrolls about war strategies. She used to find the task torturously boring – Zhang Fei had even once suggested they have Zhuge Liang read it to the enemy, put them to sleep. (Lord Liu Bei hadn’t taken too kindly to the suggestion.) These days, however, she could barely stomach reading about the feats of smoke and blood she had witnessed in real life, on the battlefield.

She wasn’t much of a scholar, either, but Cai Wenji’s works were always a joy to read. She lost herself in the characters for a while, vaguely aware of the sadness caused by the empty chair next to her.

Her heart jumped at the sound of heavy footsteps echoing through the walls - someone was frantically tearing through the corridor. The thumps were accompanied by an occasional “I’m sorry!” or “Coming through!” yelled by a very familiar voice. She imagined him running into walls in his frenzy, tripping over tables and servants.

He slid to a halt outside her chambers – it was a true miracle her late guest did not crash into the door – and then after a quiet knock, a maid entered her room with a slightly amused smile on her face.

“My lady, Lord Ma Dai came to see you. Should I let him in?”

“Oh, so he’s finally here?” Yinping jumped up from her chair, dropping her brush. It fell in an explosion of ink onto her paper, her messy writing soon overwhelmed by a growing black stain. It looked as if she had milked a squid on her desk.

“Yes, of course, he can enter.”

He appeared at the doorway, clutching a carved box underneath one arm and a scroll in the other. His face was flushed red, and his hair stood out in an even unrulier mess than usual. Weirdly, for once, his signature hat was nowhere to be seen.

“My lady… Sorry… to keep… you waiting…” He managed to wheeze out, bowing his head and shooting her apologetic glances.

A sense of ease rushed into her – it suddenly seemed very silly to think he had forgotten. That he hadn’t wanted to see her again.

“I could not… find my old painting…” He presented the rolled-up scroll to her gaze. “I wanted to finish it today.”

“I thought you weren’t going to show up. I’m so glad you’re finally here!” She giggled slightly at his appearance. He looked as if Shu had announced their surrender to Wei; and from what she had heard coming from the corridor, she regretted not being able to see him in all his panic-stricken glory.

“So you were the one causing all the commotion outside? Did you run all the way here?” She was pretty sure he didn’t ride his horse into the hallway. “Your quarters are on the other side of the castle. No wonder you’re out of breath!”

“Yeah… I realized that I…” He paused for a moment, taking in a few deep, loud breaths. His voice shifted back to its usual cheerful tone, and he smiled. “It dawned on me that I was late, and it’s not honorable to make a lady wait, so… I kinda ran all the way here. Thankfully, I didn’t kill myself or anyone on the way.” He looked up. “But you should have seen the way people were looking at me! But I don’t mind. I couldn’t disappoint you, Lady Yinping.” He glossed over her work with his eyes. “I see that you’ve already started. What texts are you copying?”

“Cai Wenji’s poetry and…” Then she noticed the unsightly, black stain still spreading through the paper. From what she could salvage with her gaze, her writing didn’t look that horrible for once, and the characters actually resembled proper calligraphy. Too bad it was getting engulfed by ink. “I must have ruined it when I dropped the brush…”

“Don’t be sad, my lady, it happens to all of us sometimes.” He came closer to the table to get a closer peek at her work. So far, it wasn’t so bad at all – there was still room for improvement, of course. All she needed was some good advice, and her calligraphy would look splendid. If she put as much effort into her writing as she did into her combat drills, she could even be a match for his skills in less time than he thought. “But I’d have to say, your handwriting is very nice. Most people make a mess of the characters, but I have no problem reading yours.”

She felt her face start to heat up again. Still, she couldn’t shake the feeling that he was just trying to be kind towards her. “Thank you, lord Ma Dai, but my writing isn’t so great at all. I always end up making a mess, and…”

“Trust me on one thing, Lady Yinping. I’ve seen more than enough bad writing styles in my life. My cousin, for example, is horrible. Once, he wrote me a letter that took me a whole day to understand, mostly because I’d been reading it upside-down.” He cringed inwardly at the memory of Ma Chao’s rabid scrawl. To him, the young lord’s horse would probably do a better job at writing.

He had expected a laugh or smile from her at the least, but she remained quiet. Laughing at Ma Dai’s only living family seemed inappropriate. She still remembered how sad his smile had been the last time she had mentioned his only cousin. Instead, she seated herself and pointed at the unoccupied chair next to her. “Please, have a seat, so we can get started. I hope you don’t mind that the tea is a little cold, though.”

She didn’t seem to be in the mood to laugh, so he followed her request before opening up the box he had brought with him. Inside, there were many different brushes, paper sheets of various grains, a wonderfully carved inkstone, several inksticks, a seal, and a beautiful green seal paste housed in a porcelain case. All of it looked very well-made compared to her mediocre equipment. She wasn’t a professional artist by any means, so she never felt the need to get herself a better set. Too many poor brushes had met their splintery demise between her strong fingers.

“Your calligraphy set is really beautiful, Lord Ma Dai.” She examined the contents of the set with fascination. “All of it looks really nice. You must take really good care of it.”

“It only looks this neat because I don’t use this one much; but thank you, my lady.” Even with war-hardened fingers, he handled the brushes with a gentleness that made her smile. “You should see the ones I use back home in Liang. Completely worn up.”

He slowly unfurled the scroll, opening up a scene of nature before her very eyes. It was a valley festooned by trees with a river flowing through its center, underneath a little bridge. Even though it looked halfway done, it was already so strikingly beautiful. She wondered if such a pristine valley ever existed anywhere – it would be such a wonderful place for them to ago, an escape from the bloodshed that characterized their current lives.

He noticed her staring and sighed. “I know. It’s horrible, but I’ll try to make it look somewhat decent. I probably shouldn’t be showing you something this awful.” No matter how hard he tried, he never seemed satisfied with the end result.

“What? No, it’s wonderful! You’re such a great painter!” she blurted. “Even if it’s just a draft, everyone would love it!”

Ma Dai stared at her in disbelief. For him, it was anything and everything but nice. Still, his comedic frown shifted into a smile. “If you say so, my lady. I guess there’s no point in arguing with you.”

He poured some water onto the inkstone and began chipping away at it with the inkstink. The scent of sandalwood tickled Yinping’s senses.

“It smells nice,” she commented idly.

“The inksticks I’m using are infused with an essential oil. Makes the work even more pleasant.” He looked up at her, his hand still working at the inkstone. “I hope you like sandalwood, my lady, because I wouldn’t want to use something you find unpleasant.”

“Yes, it’s really lovely. Are there other ones like that?” She watched as the shreds of inkstone melted into the water.

“Sure, I suppose. You’d probably like the ones with wild rose oil,” he said, taking note of the flowers in her hair. Combined with those ribbons, she looked really adorable. “I can pick some up for you. To get the really good ones, you need to know the right merchants. Thankfully, I know a guy.”

They partook in the tea during their idle chatter, even if it tasted more like lukewarm well water now. Ma Dai had finally gotten some proper rest and was ready to paint with such lovely company. Zhuge Liang had asked him to train a new calvary unit, so he’d stick around in Chengdu for a spell. He’d had more than enough of travelling between here and Liang, listening to Ma Chao’s justice-talk.

“My servants at home are probably taking a break now that I’m gone,” he quipped. “I’m such a slob with my work, inkstains and paper everywhere. They must hate me.”

Yinping started her work from scratch, being especially careful this time around. Painting had never been her calling, but it all felt very nice, nonetheless. She couldn’t remember the last time she had someone to share a hobby with and talk about pleasant things for once. She thanked the heavens that Ma Dai was not a gloomy type of person – these days, she was finding it a struggle to shoulder through her own pains, much less others. Or, at least to her, he was very adept at masking his own sorrows.

She wondered if her suppositions were true after all. And if so, did he have anyone to share his pain with? She had only witnessed him falling over himself to make everyone else happy, but what about him? Had he been suffering quietly behind that jovial smile? For how many years?

“My lady, if you don’t mind, may I offer you some advice? Please forgive my blunt behaviour in advance.”

He lowered himself by Yinping, gently taking her painting hand into his own. Together, they moved the brush along the paper. Her skin burned as he held her. She knew he was just helping her, yet she was afraid she was going to burst into flames underneath his gaze.

“You use too much pressure when you’re writing. I know it must be hard for you, considering your strength.” He could feel her hold on the brush loosen slightly. “Remember that slow, gentle strokes of the brush will give you the best results. See, you’re doing amazingly. Now, try on your own.” He finally released her hand, and his suggestion appeared to work – the characters came out looking softer.

“Uhm… thank you.” She uttered, hoping he did not notice her reddening cheeks.

He returned to his seat without further comment and continued his work. While she was struggling with a few characters, his painting was nearly done. Wei’s Zhang He would have been envious of its splendor. However, the painter’s facial expression attracted more of her interest.

Ma Dai had never looked so peaceful. He was not smiling or frowning, but he just seemed so content and calm, almost serene. The movement of his arm seemed so natural, as if he were controlling the water in the meadow rather than the brush painting the meadow. She thought him very gentle – only a person with consummate awareness of the world around him could create such awe-inspiring wonders with just silk paper and ink.

“My lady, is there something on my face that’s making you stare at me with such dedication?”

Yinping jolted slightly in her chair. He didn’t move, but his eyes shifted to meet her gaze. Instantly, she felt her face light up all over again as he flashed her a grin.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to!” she quickly explained. “But you looked so happy when painting, so I kind of ended up staring. I’m so sorry!”

“Hey, don’t feel embarrassed, my lady. Please, keep smiling. You look so lovely when you smile.”

Her blush only got deeper. How awful she must look in that moment. Already flustered, she felt brave enough to ask him something, something he might start hating her for.

“Uhm, you look very nice as well when you smile. I mean, you always smile.” She surveilled his expression, checking to see if she had already overstepped her boundaries. Thankfully, he didn’t seem all that bothered.

“Well, yes, I don’t have many reasons to mope after all. I’m the guy that cheers everyone up.” He responded without hesitation, but she couldn’t help but feel that it was a lie. True, he ventured to make everyone else happy, but even a person like him needed someone to rely on during his worst days. He had already shown her so much kindness. She had to know if there was more she could do for him, the painter with the sad eyes.

“But if you feel sad…” Yinping carefully chose her words. She didn’t want to sound too nosy. “Do you have someone you can talk to?”

Ma Dai suddenly lowered his arm to his side, setting down his brush. Someone was asking him how he felt. No one had done that in such a long time. He wanted to purge everything in that moment. How no one seemed to think he needed anyone to be there for him, to listen to him sometimes. How his loneliness was threatening to eat him alive most days. How his only living family left, despite being a great man, had no idea how much he needed someone, anyone to let him ease his burden a little.

“No.” He immediately shielded his face with a cheerful smile. He didn’t want her, the girl who had lost nearly half her family, to start worrying about him, too. “I don’t need anyone for that.“

“Good to know…” He was lying. He was obviously lying about how he felt. This was his nature, to care about others but not about himself – it hurt her heart. He was such a lovely, thoughtful man; she could not let him suffer on his own without offering help. “But if you ever feel alone or just need someone to listen to you, talk to me, okay? I’ll gladly hear you out.”

His mouth parted at her words. The girl next to him was apparently so dedicated to repaying him that she’d even sit through hearing about his menial, ridiculous problems. Of course, he wouldn’t burden her with what was truly on his mind, but he felt thankful. For once, someone was gifting him a shoulder to cry on.

“Thank you, Guan Yinping. I will remember that.” He spoke softly, in almost a whisper as he reached down to dunk his brush in the ink.

“Lord Ma Dai?”

“Yes, my lady?”

“You just put your brush in your tea cup!” She started to laugh. The face he made was priceless. Yet, she felt she could understand him a little better. At least, that was what she had hoped.

“Well, let’s say tea with ink is a very interesting blend, but it leaves awful stains on your teeth. I know from experience.” His smile became a brief grimace.

She giggled.

—

“See you.” He gave a final wave before disappearing through the doorway, leaving only a promise of a “next time” in her thoughts.  
Now, she was as she had been that morning, alone in her room, only with a hopeful smile gracing her lips. Even though the sun was almost hidden behind the horizon, she continued to write poetry in mindful strokes.

His tips were certainly useful; she felt herself improving with every flared line. Then, she remembered the touch of his hand on her own, how warm and soft it was…

The snap of the brush handle brought her back from her thoughts.

“Ugh, that’s the fifth one this month,” she groaned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The caligraphy set consisting of brush, paper, inkstone and ink is called "Four Treasures of the Study" although this proper name for it wasn't used in the Three Kingdoms era.  
> The name appears to originate in the time of the Southern and Northern Dynasties.
> 
> As always, huge kudos to my beta reader, bluntforcemomma.


	4. Living painting

_What was I supposed to ask him? Gods, I forgot! Ugh, it’s so annoying!_

Yinping remained silent as her thoughts wandered back to the question revolving around the man seated next to her. She kept her brush hovering just above the paper, partially covered with the texts of Cai Wenji’s poetry. Her face wielded an expression of annoyance.

It certainly did not go unnoticed by her painting partner, considering that he had been watching the contortions of her face for an uncomfortable amount of time. She proved adorable with how fussy she appeared, her lips stuck out in the most frustrated pout she could muster. As cute as she was, though, he much preferred actually talking to her.

“My lady? Are you still with me? Hello? Lady Yinping?”

“Huh?” She tore her eyes away from the scroll, only to find Ma Dai sporting an amused grin on his mien.

“I hope my company didn’t bore you so much that you dozed off on me,” he said with a tone of mock sorrow, yet Yinping still felt pangs of guilt in her chest.

“No, no, no, I’m so sorry! I was just thinking about something! I really like spending my free time with you. Please, I didn’t mean to upset you, my lord!” Her voice steeled with passion, and she silenced herself mid-rant from surprise.

“Hey, I was just joking!” He half-heartedly raised his hands in front of him. “I’m glad to hear that, my lady. If you’d allow me to be so bold, the feeling is mutual. It’s so nice to have someone to spend time with.”

He bowed his head towards her. Immediately, Yinping felt a burning in her cheeks. Every time Ma Dai complimented her or reminded her of how much he liked to paint together, she’d end up as red as a dawning sun. These days, she was becoming less sure if Ma Dai was just teasing her or if he was being honest. Both possibilities made her stomach wrench tight, but she found herself hoping for the latter – she hoped to speak to the man behind the smile. To know him.

“How’s the training going with the new unit?” Changing the subject seemed like a good idea, lest she wanted to look like a walking fever forever.

She hoped he hadn’t noticed, but she knew that was an impossible mercy. Each word from his lips seemed to light a fire underneath her skin. It happened far too often, yet he never reacted with more than a smile.

Ma Dai was not blind, though. He was much older and experienced more than her in his life. Her small movements and kind words hinted at an infatuation with him, and he couldn’t help but think that it was charming. Charming, and nothing more.

It wasn’t that she was lacking in anything – gods forbid it - she was beautiful. It was a matter of time before men would learn to admire her strength instead of fear it, and a line of suitors would follow her both on and off the battlefield. He loved all her little mannerisms, no matter how clumsy or painful. She was such a lovely person. Always ready to fight and offer her life for the people she loved.

He worried if, in her young age, her joyful spirit had been seized by the war spreading through the land like a miasma. Despite their greatest efforts and all their sacrifices, he had seen more charred fields and earth-blanched bones than births. All he could hope for was that she would not grow bitter inside, just like him…

“They’re a group of young men around your age who’re only interested in talking about which castle maiden is the fairest. They’re struggling with combat. It’s a miracle they can tell a difference between a horse and a boar.” Ma Dai scoffed. “They probably think that I’m like Zhang He, that I’m going to tip-toe them through a few dance steps. Maybe it’s the hat. Or maybe I look like I’m mad.”

His brows furrowed adorably. “But I’d say they’re doing just fine.” He sighed as he swiftly glided the brush across the scroll. Each deliberate stroke formed the shoots of a vast bamboo forest, but the space in the center remained empty.

“You’re not a mad man, Lord Ma Dai. I like your attire. It’s very original.” Yinping knew that for outsiders, Ma Dai looked all kinds of odd with his beloved hat that made him stand out among the green horde and a spear which, from a distance, resembled an oversized paintbrush. Concealed inside the bristle was a deadly blade which stole the lives of enemies who dared to underestimate him. “But tell me, what do you plan to paint in the middle here?” She pointed at the blank space.

“I thought a panda bear would look nice here. You seem to like them, my lady. You have a cute one yourself.”

Her gaze traveled to her bed. On its surface laid a very old stuffed panda doll, its colours worn away from years of affection. She probably should have hidden it away in a box before he came over. Now, he’d think she still slept with it. Well, she was, but Yinping did not want him to think of her as little girl.

“It was a gift from my father when I was six-years-old,” she uttered under her breath. “I don’t play with Liling anymore, I just—” She must have looked like a child in his eyes, still referring to an old sack of fleece by name.

“You shouldn’t feel embarrassed about keeping a memento of your father, even if makes you feel a little childish.” He continued to paint as he spoke, not venturing to look at her once. The tone of his voice shifted from cheerful to calm and serious. It was rare for anyone to catch a glimpse of Ma Dai dropping the happy-go-lucky attitude. With his back to her, he seemed like an entirely different person. “It’s precious to you, so that’s all that matters. Never be bothered by what others might think of you. Don’t change yourself just to make people like you. Besides…” He set his brush aside, and his posture softened. “If you keep getting flustered like that, you’ll be invisible while riding Red Hare.”

Of course, his comment made Yinping turn crimson all over again. Before she could string together a reply from her heated thoughts, her mind suddenly unburied that pesky question!

“Now I remember what I wanted to ask you! Would you like to ride Red Hare? I thought you might enjoy it! I mean, everyone knows you’re a really great rider, and Red Hare would probably prefer to have you on his back instead of clumsy old me, and… You’ve helped me before, so I just thought you’d like to?” she asked, her hands clasped together.

“Me? Ride the one and only Red Hare? You really wouldn’t mind, my lady? To be honest, I’d love to! If, of course, you’d grant me permission.” Mounting the infamous warhorse was a dream of the bravest riders, and he fancied seeing how his skills would match up to Lu Bu’s.

“So it’s settled then!” Yinping breathed a sigh of relief. “If you’re okay with tomorrow afternoon, that would be great!”

—

The air was saturated with laughter as they returned to the castle, with Ma Dai comfortably steering Red Hare and Yinping perched on the back his ashen grey horse, Yuqiang.

She nearly forgot what it looked like to have someone control Red Hare with as much skill as her father. She fancied that Ma Dai could have challenged even Lu Bu to a duel on horseback. Of course, Red Hare, being a stubborn beast, had tried to thrash him off just like every other person who dared to test its saddle. Despite lacking her strength, he had kept her in awe as he tore through the fields on the hulking steed’s back.

“You were amazing, Lord Ma Dai. Red Hare seems really pleased with you as well. Even Lu Bu himself would find his skills lacking compared to yours.” She turned away coyly. “And to think you just hopped onto the saddle as if he were your own. You could end this war by yourself if you rode Red Hare into battle. I wish I had your talent.”

“My lady, if you keep saying those kinds of things to me, I might have to start believing them.” For once, he was the one blushing. He never knew what it felt like to be complimented this much, especially by a person he could actually call a friend. “But I suppose it’s easier for me to ride Red Hare because I’m much taller than you. I’ve been riding horses for much longer, anyhow. You’d be twice as good as I am if you started training with someone who could teach you right.”

“So… Is there any chance you could tutor me in horsemanship, my lord?” she asked, having to look up since Red Hare was much bigger than Yuqiang. “I mean, I know you’re busy with training the new unit, but you’re the only person I could ask. I don’t know anyone else better than you.”

She felt selfish for asking more of Ma Dai, but she wanted more reasons to be around him besides just feelings. If her intuition was correct, he was in sore need of a friend. This way, she could repay the kindnesses he had shown her.

“For you, Lady Yinping, I will always find some spare time.” He smiled down at her.

A sense of relief settled in her chest. Since her father and Ping passed, she didn’t believe she could ever have fun again until the day they had started their painting sessions. She had even taken to dropping in during his training drills, watching from afar as he mindfully prepared each of those young men for the most important battles of their lives. “I’m so happy, Lord Ma Dai.”

She felt her cheeks flood with warmth once again. She hated how much she was blushing around him, as if her feelings weren’t already so painfully obvious. He was paying so much attention towards her that she could not help it.

Upon reaching the Shu stables, Ma Dai jumped down from Red Hare’s back. Before Yinping could mimic him, he commanded Yuqiang to lay down with a few soothing pets on the mane. “We can’t risk having a lady jump off and hurt herself, can we? Our lady was injured recently, so it is up to us to ensure that she is comfortable.” Yinping nodded and angled one leg over the horse’s back, seating herself sideways on the saddle.

“My lady, might I offer you my humble help?” He bowed, clutching his hat to his chest as he offered her his free hand. She accepted his grasp and slid off the horse with ease.

“Uhm, thank you, Lord Ma Dai,” she managed to murmur. After the stable boy herded their steeds into their pens, she found herself once again alone with the man. “I hope you will gladly join me next time.”

“You could not make me a happier man, my lady.” Ma Dai placed his hat back onto his head, his mouth parted in preparation for the compliments he was going to fling in her direction. A sharp voice caused him to tighten his lips shut, his smile rendered to a straight line.

“Guan Yinping, you’ve left your mace in the barracks again. I’ve told you many times before that you cannot leave your weapons lying around everywhere, even if they are your spares.” Xingcai approached them with firm steps, hauling along Yinping’s mace with noticeable difficulty. “You need to take better care of your weapons.”

“I’m sorry, Xingcai. I just realized I’m late from my meeting with Lord Ma Dai. I must have forgotten again.” Yinping took the mace over her shoulder without so much as a grunt, observing how Xingcai seemed to sprout a few inches without the added weight. “ I’ll be more careful.”

Xingcai sighed. Yinping was more forgetful than what was tolerable lately, mostly thanks to the man in the ridiculous-looking hat standing next to her.

Ma Dai managed a meek “I’m sorry” before the two of them departed for the castle steps. The heavy weight dangling off Yinping’s mace threatened to take Ma Dai’s head off with every step. One clumsy swing, and he’d end up hoeing the fields with his front teeth.

“I’m sorry to ask, but is she always that angry-looking?” He stepped to the side, narrowly avoiding a weight to the face.  
“Sometimes, but she means well, Lord Ma Dai. She’s always been like thi—”

“Yinping, wait right there! We must discuss our new training routine!”

“Yes, Xingcai?” she turned around suddenly.

Xingcai slid to a halt, the tips of her shoes digging into the dirt. Her face softened into a look of shock, then a grimace. Yinping heard the way-too-familiar sound of her mace mashing against flesh, accompanied by a grunt of pain and the heavy thud of an unconscious body falling limply to the ground. The colour in Yinping’s face drained as she looked down and saw Ma Dai lying motionless.

“Lord Ma Dai! Xingcai, I— I’ve killed him!” She dropped her mace and scooped up Ma Dai. With an ear pressed to his chest, she ascertained very quiet yet present breaths. He was being so nice to her, and she had to go and knock him out! How humiliating.

She tore off in the direction of the castle, stopping just a few steps away to make the hike back to retrieve his hat. Sighing, she perched it on her head before making a line for the castle corridors.

—

The pain Ma Dai experienced upon waking up was the worst he had felt in years. Even his and his cousin’s baijiu liquor hangovers were nothing compared to the searing pain spidering through his head and down his back. It took a few moments of him wondering why he was there in the first place to remember what had happened.

“Ugh… Dammit…” he hissed as the medic placed a cold cloth on his bare neck. Stray drips of water trickled down his back, easing the pain at least slightly.

“You will be fine, Lord Ma Dai. You aren’t bleeding,” the older medic uttered, albeit with a deep frown upon looking over his exposed back.

“Is there something wrong?” he asked, his jovial tone unfaltering. Though, the medic’s stern grimace provided enough context for the pain he was currently undergoing. He managed to prop himself up, suddenly feeling sorry for those who ended up being underneath Guan Yinping’s mace. He was lucky he was struck by accident. He shivered as he pondered the full force of Yinping’s weapon.

“No, nothing. Please, excuse me.” A knock on the door signaled the medic’s leave from the chamber. He was immediately replaced by a panicked Yinping, who nearly charged in with his hat crushed in her fist.

“Lord Ma Dai, I didn’t mean to hurt you!” she blurted, nearly tripping over herself. She looked up and immediately straightened herself. “I’m so sorry. I did not know you were currently indecent.”

She had never seen him garbed so improperly, hatless and shirtless. If the castle walls were wooden, she was sure she could raze Shu to the ground with the energy generated in her cheeks.

“It’s fine, my lady. It’s okay. I’m still alive,” he repeated while rubbing his neck.

“Are you sure? I didn’t mean to. Does your back still hurt?” She shyly approached his bedside, holding out his poor hat. Her eyes caught sight of a large, black mass spanning his back. Panic welled up in her throat – perhaps she had struck him so hard that the injury was beginning to rot.

That was until she spotted two wide eyes staring back at her from the flesh. Her gaze ghosted along countless lines of ink seared into his skin, forming the image of a coiling, snarling dragon. It looked so real that she could have sworn that its eyes were following her. Tattoos were a forbidden art – only pirates and prisoners had them. Was Ma Dai ever such a man?

“I know what it looks like, my lady; but I am no criminal or pirate.” No offense to actual pirates like Wu’s Gan Ning. “Let’s call it a thing I got when I was younger and quite dumb.”

She could not help but admire the dragon, beautifully marred by nicks and bruises. Her fingers twitched slightly, as if they could sense the feel of the ink underneath his skin.

“Did it hurt, Lord Ma Dai?”

“Like nothing I’ve ever felt in my life.” He turned to peek over his shoulder, gauging her curious expression. “Good thing I was drunk for most of it.”

“Can I… Can I touch it?” she mumbled. It was a bold request to touch a man lacking half of his clothing, the one whom she had accidentally injured in the first place; but she longed to follow the lines with her touch.

“Sure, go ahead.”

“Thank you.” She gave a small nod before hesitantly reaching out, fearing that her strength might harm him again. Her fingers slowly traced along the tattoo. The skin felt smoother than normal, more delicate. The dragon was ragged in places from a myriad of scars, smaller ones from the kisses of arrowheads and bigger ones abandoned by swords. The largest cuts formed uneven grooves in the skin, the remnants of spearheads. Her gentle touch burned him, even though her hands were just slightly warm at best.

“You are like a living painting, Lord Ma Dai,” she murmured, almost hypnotised by the beauty of his tattoo. “It’s so beautiful.”

For a moment, he did not speak. His voice was quiet. “If you say so, my lady. I have no other choice than to trust you.”

—

Hours after being discharged from the medic’s quarters, Ma Dai remained aware of the burgeoning heat in his back, albeit not from pain. It had stopped aching a long time ago.

He reached around and gently padded over the bruised skin with his knuckles, briefly remembering the touch of her fingers.

It had been so long since anyone had touched him like that. He found himself missing her warmth already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am aware that Ma Dai has no tattoos in the game, but this is a personal headcanon I just had to add. 
> 
>  
> 
> Baijiu is a type of Chinese liquor that's about 40-60% alcohol by volume. It's similar to vodka in taste.  
> Yuqiang is the god of the north sea and a wind in Chinese mythology. I had to call his horse somehow.
> 
> And in those times tattoos were only worn by criminals, prisoners, slaves and pirates.
> 
>  
> 
> bluntforcemomma, thank you for your help again.


	5. New sister

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, many thanks to bluntforcemomma for editing.

Yinping had expected her training to be a bit awkward, considering that Red Hare seemed to have forgotten who she was already. Every attempt to lift herself onto his back was met with an indifferent snort from the horse, followed by her futilely sliding down his side with a groan.

She had herself to blame, really. She could feel Ma Dai’s watchful gaze hovering over her. She had fantasized about impressing him by proving she could gallantly ride Red Hare into the battlefield. Every time he was around, however, she just ended up being weird. At least nothing could possibly surpass the complete disaster that was last time, when she had accidentally bludgeoned him into unconsciousness. 

Fortunately, her most recent attempt to reach the saddle was met with success. She scrambled to pull herself up, immediately slumping over with a sigh of relief as soon as she was safely perched on Red Hare’s saddle. 

Ma Dai’s lips perked into a smile, and he hopped up to approach the horse and his fatigued rider. He ventured an amused stare at the girl’s drooping face, primed for a nap right there on the horse’s back. It proved a great effort on his part not to laugh even once.  
“How’s it hanging, my lady?”

Yinping had already resigned herself to looking like the biggest klutz in all of China. Even with her eyes closed, she could sense his chest bloating with barely concealed laughter.

She mumbled, “Could be better.”

“Don’t worry about it. You’ll be a pro in no time! Do you want to try again?” He shot a grin in her direction.

As much as she wanted to, Red Hare appeared to have grown equally tired from waiting. It must have been a farce, sticking him with this girl too short to even reach his saddle – he had once served the likes of Lu Bu and Guan Yu, legendary warriors that could have challenged the gods of nature to a duel. He snorted and planted himself onto the ground, partaking in the green shoots of grass poking through the dirt.

“H— Hey, Red Hare, get up! We’re not done yet! Oh, even he must have had enough of me already…” She snailed her way off the saddle and onto the ground, her face twisted into the expression he had seen too many times lately – “I am not good enough,” it murmured wordlessly to him. “I failed again.”

Ma Dai couldn’t help but feel a little guilty for being so entertained by this girl’s fruitless effort. His own first trainings often resulted in him bruising his tailbone along with his pride; but she must have had it worse, being so adorably short compared to him. The fact that Red Hare had grown haughty from years of being Lu Bu’s horse wasn’t very reassuring, either.

“What’s with the sad face? Cheer up. You should have seen me when I was your age. My first horse wasn’t a drama queen, either, so I didn’t have anyone to blame but myself! You’ll be better than Lu Bu in no time. Just don’t be so hard on yourself. And another thing…” 

She felt a familiar weight on top of her head and opened an eye. He smiled. “The inheritor of my hat is not allowed to be anything but happy in my presence.”

She lifted her head, looking at him confusedly. “The heir of what?”

“You, my lady, are the only person in the land who looks as good as I do while wearing my hat. What am I saying?! You look even better, and that’s a huge achievement! So if I die in battle, this hat belongs to you.” He moved it slightly to the left with a finger, his features scrunched up in concentration. “Yes, this is perfect! Though, it covers up your flowers. Maybe we should add some to my hat. Or even better, use some of your ribbons, too!”

She watched him carefully calculate the perfect placement of his hat on her head, being torn between tilting it this way or that. Meanwhile, his own hair was left in an adorable state of unruly mess.

She had relished away weeks in his company already, riding horses and painting together. Maybe she was a little in love with Ma Dai already, as ridiculous as it sounded in her head. His very presence made her beam with joy. Each compliment he paid her caused butterflies to migrate into her stomach. Every time she felt brave enough to look at him, into those green-grey eyes, all she could do was pray her heart would stop racing, fearing he would hear it. 

Still, she didn’t know much about the man, aside from knowing he used ink sticks that smelled of sandalwood and that he preferred his tea strong and unsweetened. Despite all the smiles they had shared, he kept himself like a ghost – the Ma Dai she saw was just an echo of who he really was.

She gleaned that he was lonely – he often spoke of his only remaining family with a tone of furtive optimism, so unlike his usual self. Sometimes, even when he looked directly into her eyes, she felt as if he were staring into the distance. Most people were fooled by the near-constant smiling and joking, but she wanted to be there even after the laughter ceased. Even if she knew he would never see her as a woman, at least not one he could share the remainder of his life with.

“I won’t let you die, my lord. Just stay by my side on the battlefield, and I will protect you no matter the cost!” No one else was going to die because she wasn’t strong enough, especially not another person so dear to her heart. 

“Thank you. I already feel way better knowing that someone has my back, even though every man should do all he can to protect his lady. But if you’re this passionate, I cannot argue with you. Though, I think we should be heading back. I need to tend to my weapon – the blade is getting dull.” He frowned at the horse who was still wearing away at the grass, lazily absorbing sunlight into his red coat. “Not to mention that this spoiled baby doesn’t want to help us anymore, so I think we’re done for today.”

“It’s my fault, my lord. I haven’t been riding him at all lately, so all I could do was brush him and feed him some sugarcane.” She handed Ma Dai his hat and rolled onto her feet. 

“Come on, Red Hare, we’re going back. Get up.” She reached for the reins, giving them a slight tug. Red Hare responded with a blank stare. “I promise I will bring you more pears. Just get up!”

Sufficiently bribed, the horse jumped up with a jolt from his rider. A sigh of relief seeped from her lips, but she seemed to hesitate as she reached for the stirrup. Instead, she turned over her shoulder and met Ma Dai with a bold gaze. 

“Would you like to ride back with me, my lord?” Her cheeks burned. She couldn’t believe she had been that straightforward, but at least she had an excuse ready – Ma Dai had left Yuqiang at the stables to get his horseshoes changed, so he had walked with her all the way to the fields. “You must be tired of walking, and the saddle is big enough for two people…”

Her suggestion was met with bewildered eyes. He hoped he hadn’t been coming off as more than friendly, even if he was the apparent target of her crush. Still, he couldn’t turn her down, especially after she had asked so sweetly. Sometimes, she was too charming for her own good.

“Well, I think we can, if you’re fine with this, my lady.” Being a master of the disarming smile, even he found it difficult to maintain a straight face. Was she looking for a way to get closer to him? Her lips pulled into a smile at his answer, causing warmth to flood into his face. 

Was this wrong? Maybe he had been leading the poor girl on with his unintentional flirting. Maybe it was his fault that she had developed feelings for him. She became very dear to him in such a short period of time – hurting her feelings was the top item on his list of potential sins, especially after what she had been through. 

He regretted not refusing the offer a few moments after helping Yinping onto the saddle. When he felt her arms slowly wrap around his waist, so gently as to not hurt him, some familiar thoughts fogged his mind. 

He suddenly hated himself again. He ventured a glance at the sky, fearing Guan Yu would sense from his castle in the heavens that someone had dared to fancy such shameful thoughts about his only daughter. He imagined a spear of lightning hurdling through the air, fixed on silencing his rapidly beating heart. 

He harbored so much respect for her, both as a warrior and as his friend. He would craft one thousand paintings if it meant seeing her smile every single day. Yet, the image of her resting in his arms, the imagined feelings of her warmth inviting itself into his skin – they still haunted his thoughts now and again. He still remembered how her fingers had felt trailing down his back, her nails barely grazing the skin as they traced along the channels of ink and scars. For once, he had felt as if he were burning alive. Maybe it had been far too long since he had held someone. 

Yinping wasn’t to be trifled with, to be used and then forgotten like a weapon placed in storage. She was the kind of person whom men would fall to their knees for and humbly request courtship. He would berate himself into thinking of her as merely a friend if it meant keeping those sordid thoughts far away from his mind, far away from her.

“My lord, you had mentioned that you needed to tend to your weapon. Will you be leaving soon?” Yinping frowned slightly, her concerned gaze directed towards his face. She had been looking forward to talking to him on the way back.

“Well, Zhuge Liang asked me to do something in his stead. I promise I won’t be gone long, just couple of days.” No one else had wanted to get stationed at Chengdu, for good reason. And Zhuge Liang was grateful Ma Dai was here, since he could always count on the officer to do whatever it takes for the sake of the kingdom, even something others had refused to do. “I hope you’ll be training diligently while I’m away. You can show me everything you’ve learned when I return.” He tried to maintain his tone of cheerfulness, but she was pressed so closely to him that it was almost uncomfortable. Almost.

“I promise I won’t disappoint you, my lord.” Her voice was sweet. She couldn’t help herself, resting her head against the man whom she wanted to proclaim had stolen her heart. 

Ma Dai sensed his thoughts beginning to stray again and jostled the horse into a run. Yinping gave a surprised yelp, wrenching her arms around his midsection. She hugged him so fiercely that he could almost feel his ribs being crushed into pieces.

“M— My lady, you’re breaking me in half,” he wheezed.

“I’m sorry!” She released him, freeing his lungs for a slightly ragged breath of air.

He noted to himself to never leave without his horse again. And to get a stronger armour.

“Are you alright?” She gripped the saddle, afraid of touching him. “I hope I didn’t hurt you, but you scared me.”

“I’m fine, don’t worry about it. It’s my fault. I should have warned you.” His waist would return to its natural shape eventually, he was sure of it.

—

They apologized to each other all the way to the front gates, yet a horrifying shriek from the castle walls shouted both of them into silence. They caught a glimpse of a young woman breezing past the windows. No one else appeared to be screaming, and nothing was on fire; so the two lifted their brows at each other as they dismounted the horse.

As soon as Ma Dai’s boots hit the dirt, they heard the same shrill voice approaching them at an alarming rate. They nearly collided with a young girl with a ton of jingling beads festooning her hair, looking so excited that she could barely keep herself in one piece. Guan Suo arrived a few steps behind her, looking exasperated. She stopped in time to look over the two with roaming eyes, a huge grin plastered on her face.

“Hey, Suo, why didn’t you tell me your little sister was married? Oh, you two are so adorable together! How long have you been married?” She didn’t wait for the answers to any of her questions. “Hey, your hat is so awesome! Do you let your wife wear it sometimes? Suo never lets me wear his hat!” She pouted, trailing off. As soon as Ma Dai opened his mouth, she was already two conversations ahead of him. “Oh, I have so many questions! Where to start? I know! Do you two have any babies, yet? Kids are so cute! Speaking of cute, the two of you looked so adorable riding together! Getting away from all the curious eyes around here, eh?”

Her comments caused Yinping’s face to flush crimson. She struggled to make her mouth form coherent sounds, miming out only half-words; but her companion thankfully stepped in. He seemed unfazed, even rolling on his heels as he spoke. “Sorry to disappoint you, my lady, but I am not married to Guan Yinping.”

“You’re not?!” She looked as if she were going to throw herself onto the ground from shock. Though, her hanging jaw was soon replaced by a very big smile. “Oh, so you’re engaged! Awesome, we’ll have to plan your wedding, of course! Are you going to wear your hat during the ceremony? It’s so stylish!”

“I’m flattered that you think I’m worthy of this beautiful lady here; but no, I’m not her fiancé either.” Ma Dai braced himself for another surprised scream.

“If you’re not any of those, then who are you?” The girl narrowed her eyes, tip-toeing so she could get a closer look at Ma Dai’s face.

As much as he admired her frankness, Yinping looked embarrassed enough to brand her footprints into the dirt. Not to mention that her brother was giving him a look he was all-too-familiar with, the Guan-patented “What are you doing with my little sister?” glare.

“The name is Ma Dai. It’s a pleasure to meet you, and I am merely a friend of the lady.” The answer seemed to soften Suo’s scowl by a small margin. “Forgive me, we are not familiar with each other. May I ask for your name?”

She jumped up. “I am Bao Sanniang! I’m the new officer here, and…” She grabbed Yinping’s hands, holding them up. “I’m your brother’s wife!”

“What?” Ma Dai and Guan Yinping mirrored each other. Their troubled expressions didn’t seem to bother the new addition to the Guan family, who stood idly with her hands folded behind her back. They even matched expressions! How cute!

“Suo, did you get married?” Yinping turned to her brother, who looked a little feverish.

“Well…” he started, but his wife took it upon herself to finish the rest of his sentence. Or, in her case, sentences.

“Yes, we totally just got married! We were a little late to the castle, but now that we’re both here – oh, the two of us are sisters now! How nice! I already have two older sisters back home, but I’ve never had a younger one! This is so awesome, right?! We’re going to fight side by side from now on! I am a great fighter sometimes, don’t worry! You won’t have to watch my back, but I’ll definitely watch yours!”

“Brother, I didn’t even know you had been engaged!” Much less that he had been seeing someone. “Does Xing know? Why did you keep it a secret?”

Guan Suo opened his mouth, prompting Bao Sanniang to jump to the occasion. “No, he didn’t keep it a secret. We’ve met just recently, and it was love at first sight! So we figured, why wait? I have to admit that your older bro wasn’t as happy for us as he should have been, but he will be!”

Yinping and Ma Dai connected stares, sharing their mutual surprise with their eyes. Yinping was apt to give her brother the benefit of the doubt – maybe this was love at first sight, the kind which scholars and courtesans sang about in their poems, the dream of many young maidens. Ma Dai, on the other hand, remained unimpressed yet polite. Noticing the look Suo was giving him, he promptly decided that it was time for him to leave.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t want to interrupt your family reunion. I’m going to take Red Hare back to his stable. It was nice meeting you, Lady Sanniang.” He nodded in acknowledgement then turned to Yinping. “As for you, my lady, I suppose I will see you later.” He managed a small bow of the head to the women before casually walking away, leading Red Hare along by the reins. 

He could still hear Sanniang chattering from afar, “Are you sure he’s not your husband or anything? You looked so cute together on that big horse!” He wasn’t sure which burned more, his cheeks or the feeling of Guan Suo’s glare boring into the back of his head.

Guan Suo averted his gaze only after Ma Dai disappeared into the stables. Maybe Sanniang was right. Maybe he was just being paranoid about his baby sister, now old enough to choose a suitor for herself. Without their father and Ping around, he and Xing had inherited the responsibility of looking out for what was left of their family. If he wasn’t careful, he’d be short on a sister, too.

Still, despite how her cheeks seemed to redden instantly around the man and the countless hours they had spent alone in her bedchambers, Ma Dai had treated her as nothing more than a good friend. He didn’t want to trample on his sister’s happiness, especially since she was beginning to smile again. Though, his wife’s innocent suggestions that the two were married still put him on edge. 

No one really knew who Ma Dai was, other than Ma Chao’s cousin. Was he as trustworthy as his cousin? He hoped so, or else this friendship was going to get complicated.


	6. Annoyances

Yinping idled in her chambers, following her reflection in the wall mirror with her eyes. A smile of admiration crossed her face at how lovely her ribbons and wild rose flowers looked adorning the horsehair plume of Ma Dai’s hat. The garish green fabric provided an extravagant contrast to the pink petals. Personally, she found it adorable, yet it was in the best interest of a general like Ma Dai to take them off before he left unless he wanted the footsoldiers to tease him even more than they already did.

He busied himself with painting an animal he had once described to her, figuring she would understand pictures more than his meager words. Since his return to Chengdu, he had spoken little of the task Zhuge Liang personally had him undertake. A smile packaged with a few pleasant subtleties proved enough to send most people carrying on with their lives. It seemed as if only she spotted the slivers of bandages, freckled with pink-red spots of dried blood, rising and sinking from the sleeves and collar of his hanfu. 

During her early morning voyage to the training grounds, she had witnessed him staggering up the trail, muddied with blood and half-unconscious. His horse had found difficulty dragging along its hooves, battered by a full night of running. A myriad of craters in his armor had caused the metal plating to cinch tightly around his chest. The blade of his hidden spear appeared feeble from struggle, and the ink-like poison on the tip was almost completely bleached away by blood. 

Yet, he seemed genuinely happy to see her again. Even when he was struggling to keep his eyes open, that smile of his always drew life back into those pale cheeks. To her relief, she was helping him for once, not breaking his ribs or crushing his skull or making him catch a cold or having him babysit her after tumbling off Red Hare’s back. She wondered how she hadn’t accidentally killed the man, yet.

“My lady, you look so wonderful that I might even do the unthinkable and pass my hat down to you right now. Those decorations aren’t so bad, either. You’re plenty good at art already.”

Yinping answered the voice with a turn of her head, finding him with that affectionate smile aimed at her. Weariness took to his hands, which he allowed to rest on the table. His small painting no longer required his attentions and was left to dry away from sunlight.

Despite the deep creases which emphasized the outlines of his eye sockets, he was the one who had wanted to meet despite Yinping’s insistent pleas for him to rest. Seeing her possessed some sort of healing effect on him – she did not want anything from him, aside from his company and friendship (even in the face of her own feelings), and that was it. For so many years, Ma Dai had compromised with the pain of having absolutely no one. Not to belittle the efforts of the people who considered themselves his friends, people like Wei Yan. There existed no doubts that they cared for him, but even they scarcely understood how burdensome that fake laughter had become on his spirits. It was almost too much to take in sometimes, but seeing his friends in need had always convinced him to keep the light snared in his demeanor. 

It was only when she was around that he felt completely at ease. Of course, he still wasn’t going to press her with his troubles. People liked him because he was Ma Dai, the happy-go-lucky voice during an otherwise hopeless skirmish; but he appreciated that she still wanted to be around him even when he wasn’t joking around. She had vowed to listen to him, to all the sad parts as well as the happy ones. Even if he had never taken her up on the offer, just knowing that she would be so generous made him happy – to have someone who liked him the way he was, even if she had seen only the side of him that he allowed to others.

“Thank you, but it’s yours. There is no one else in the land who can wear your hat as fashionably as you do, although I’m not sure if flowers and ribbons are your thing, my lord.” She laughed as she placed the hat onto the man’s head, seating herself next to him. Yinping marveled over a painting of some four-legged animal that was built similarly to a horse, only with a lumpy head and an even lumpier back.

“So this fuzzy thing is what you call a camel, yes?” It looked a little funny with its skinny neck and long lashes, kind of like Prince Shan!

“Yup, and you can ride it like a horse! They’re not as fast, but they’re pretty tough. They can resist more heat than most creatures and are quite smart.”

“Have you ever ridden one?” Her eyes sparked with interest. She could only imagine how silly Ma Dai would look trying to balance himself on top of that hilly back. Yinping especially adored his stories from before his time with Shu, stories of his perilous travels to the furthest reaches of their beautifully diverse land. Her endless curiosity grated at her like hunger. He remembered well her apprehension and morbid fascination towards the story of the crimson marsh, its waters stained red as if cursed by all those who had fallen in battle.

“Yes, it was fun, although I think Yuqiang got jealous whenever I used a new steed.”

"Oh, you’ve seen so many wonderful places and things, Lord Ma Dai. I envy you.” Her voice carried a hint of sadness that didn’t go unnoticed by her companion. She felt embarrassingly inexperienced compared to him – she had only seen the likes of Jing Province and Chengdu, along with the tiny, unnamed villages constellating the trails. He collected tales from a world beyond her reach, one completely different from hers.

“Yeah, the war might be a bit of a problem if you’re fixing on traveling to all those places I’ve told you about.” He stroked his chin in contemplation. “Tell you what. I’ll double my efforts to end this war more quickly; and afterwards, you can travel to your heart’s content.”

“Thank you, but you’re already doing more than some people I know.” Her eyes caught a glimpse of his bandages. “You’re still in bad shape, my lord. You should be resting in bed. All those missions you take must be dangerous…” Seeing his battered form traipsing up the dirt trail scared her a lot. She chided herself for not being able to fight alongside him, to protect him at all times. “Why can’t Zhuge Liang ask someone else to do those things? You’re not the only officer here, after all!”

The way he looked at her made Yinping’s skin heat with unease. For once, his mouth appeared expressionless, and the sentiment reached the dullness of his eyes. She didn’t like it, and her heart impaled itself at the thought that maybe she had asked one question too many. Had she foolishly insulted him? He would barter his life to ensure his kingdom’s survival in this war; and here she was, naively telling him to stop. 

The silence between them lasted only a moment. His voiced pitched low, a quiet remorse tracing his words. “Sometimes, you must do what’s needed for the good of your people, no matter the cost.” His omissions stashed away the gruesome details of his missions. That information was to remain confidential, especially to her of all people. All the wretched things he had to do to keep Shu out of Wei clutches, it soaked his hands to the bones. 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been asking you all this, I just…” Her whole face burned with embarrassment as she redirected her gaze to the painting she had been working on. It was supposedly a portrait of the seaside, but the outlines of the water had bled into a shapeless, black mass. “I’m just worried you’ll die out there, all alone.”

“I should be the one to apologize, my lady. You’re not supposed to be worried about me. I’m happy that there’s someone who would miss me if I died, though.” His lips perked into a smile, half-joking. “But don’t worry yourself over me. I’ll be fine. If it puts your mind at ease, I’ll be more careful.”

Even if his countenance was devoid of anger, she couldn’t venture a glance in his direction. She couldn’t help being too nosy at times – he was her friend, even more than that sometimes. She had already lost two people she loved, and she wasn’t sure if she would be able to carry on if he left her, too.

“I’m not going to die. I have to be alive for when you surpass Lu Bu in horseback riding, and I always keep my word.” He had almost drifted too far last time, but the way she looked at him strengthened his resolve. “And you’re going to need a guide on all your travels. I’ll have to end this war soon so that I can take you to see the northern seaside by winter. You’ve got to see the coloured lights at night.”

The mention of mysterious lights piqued her attention. “I don’t think I know what you’re talking about, Lord Ma Dai. Please, could you tell me more?” 

He found the curious way she tilted her head far more adorable than her sadness. “I’ll gladly tell you everything. I’ve been by the seaside during wintertime, far, far to the northern regions. I was with Ma Chao at the time, traveling to some small village, when the night sky began to glisten with something that resembled a skein of silk – no, it was more like a flickering paint stroke of green, to be honest. I can’t describe it with just words, but I’ve never seen anything like it. I don’t know what the gods were up to, but it must have been fun! I promise I was sober. It definitely wasn’t my imagination.”

She could already visualize the ethereal streamers of light lacing a star-scattered sky, the image dissipating like a dream when one of her maids entered the room. “My lady, your brother requests your presence.”

Yinping had already known which brother it was even before Guan Suo ducked underneath the hanging curtains leading to her chambers. She uttered an almost mute groan, gleaning from his expression the reason for his impromptu visit. He didn’t grant Ma Dai even a shred of his trust, and Bao Sanniang thinking that the two were engaged only intensified his suspicions. She wondered which excuse he’d use this time. 

Ma Dai, on the other hand, tried to conceal his amusement lest he wanted his chest wounds to reopen. Suo appeared an angry child to him, about as impressive as Pang Tong’s love life. Somehow, he had the feeling this was going to be better than usual.

“Hello, sister. Are you all right?” His gaze didn’t stray from Ma Dai’s face.

“Yes, I am. Thank you for asking. Is there a reason for you being here?” she asked. She could sense the weighty laughter rumbling in Ma Dai’s chest without even looking at him.

“Does your older brother need a reason to drop by and say hello to his little sister?” Suo tried to respond casually, although the light catching his eyes appeared dissonant.

“No, of course you don’t.” She mustered a reluctantly sweet reply. _But I can’t help but notice that you only visit when Ma Dai is here. It’s a little embarrassing…_ She searched his face, a skeptical frown softening her mouth. “Brother, do you actually need my help for anything?”

“What? Ehm… Yes— I mean, no! I just wanted to let you know that Xingcai would like you to train some of the new soldiers in heavy weaponry. I hope you’re fine with this.”

“Yes brother, I know. She told me herself yesterday.” Yinping certainly didn’t disappoint Ma Dai, with how glibly she verbally flayed her brother. In that moment, she was a master of whips rather than clubs. “And weren’t you here yesterday, asking the same thing?”

Ma Dai inwardly lamented the lack of paint needed to immortalize the expression on Suo’s face. He looked like a pudgy toddler caught with sweets smeared between his fingers. Yinping trained her eyes on him, her mouth plumped in an adorable pout. Ma Dai pressed his back to the wall, hoping to be accepted by the stones as one of their own. If he ever hoped to have a good relationship with his best friend’s brother, he would withhold his amusement and stay out of the quarrel.

“Really? I must have forgotten. Well, then…” He tottered uneasily on the heels of his boots. “I will see you later, Yinping. I think Sanniang is waiting for me, and you know how she hates me being late.” 

He managed a curt nod at his sister and her companion before fleeing the room. When his footsteps faded down the hallway, she rested her head on the table, wrapping her arms around the curved width. An exasperated groan roiled in her throat.

“Ugh, he still treats me like I’m a child. I’m a grown woman now! We’re not doing anything wrong! I don’t need a chaperone!”

Somehow, Ma Dai’s accompanying laughter made her feel worse, and she looked up at him with a pink stain crossing from cheek to cheek. She failed to find any humour in her brother treating her like an infant, treating him like an intruder. If anything, she felt like the intruder, experiencing secret emotions for a man whom she was sure didn’t view her in the same light.

“My lady… You will— You will set the table on fire. Don’t be embarrassed.” His efforts to console her garnered no results. Punishment arrived in the form of a splitting feeling in his ribs, simmering within his unhealed wounds. The sting made him hiss slightly, which caused the woman by his side to almost jump out of her chair.

“My lord! Are you unwell? Should I summon a healer?!” Her voice racked with panic as her cheeks drained of the crimson that never seemed to leave her features these days. Her mind raced to the conclusion that maybe she had somehow hurt him again, this time with her Musou of bad luck that only triggered when she was near him.

“That’s what I get for laughing at you,” he muttered as he massaged his sore shoulder. Maybe he should have listened to her pleas and remained in bed, but then he’d have to tough through unimaginable boredom. With Yinping by his side, he was slowly starting to forget what loneliness felt like. What a sweet feeling that was. Almost blissful.

“Will there ever be a time when you’re not in pain around me? Why can’t I get hurt once instead of you, my lord?” She pursed her lips into a thin line. What kind of friend was she to him if she could not even keep him in one piece?

“I hope you never get hurt when I’m around because I’d rather see you smile. Besides, I can endure some pain in your name.” He shrugged, his shoulders blistering with heat. “I don’t mind. After all, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right? And all of our meetings are always full of surprises.” 

His cheerfulness didn’t seem to be contagious, judging from the softness of her voice. “But those surprises mostly make you suffer…”

“Hey, I thought I’d told you that since you’re the heiress of my hat, you’re not allowed to mope in my presence.” His voice channeled a tone of playful arrogance, which he augmented with a wave of his hand. “Go on. Smile for me, okay?” 

A hint of a smile threaded her lips, yet her stare remained sightless. She obviously didn’t share his talent of rebranding his emotions so easily, but maybe that was a good thing.

“It doesn’t appear to be working, so let’s try this instead.” He surrendered his hat to her head. “There. My happiness should easily rub off on you. I hope it’s working.”

This time, the smile came naturally to her, and her face colored with its usual glow. He always tried so hard to make her happy. She felt blessed to be warmed by his affections often.

“I think it’s working now. Thank you very much,” she mumbled, warmth flooding her cheeks once again. He reached out to angle his hat, tilting it slightly to the left. His hand clipped her bare skin, sending her heart beating faster than Red Hare’s hooves on the battlefield. 

With how apparent her attachment to him was, he considered limiting their time together. Yet, he couldn’t think to restrain her happiness; and as wonderfully full of life as she made him feel, his intentions were pure. He’d brush aside his painful need for her, physically as well as emotionally, for the sake of their friendship. That, he would never give up on.

Ma Dai primed a new conversation in his throat, but another visitor interrupted him with excited footsteps. The familiar voice presented itself without a knock, much to Yinping’s dismay.

“Hey, Yinping, have you seen Suo anywhere? He promised to take me for a ride, and…” Bao Sanniang stood at the doorway, her mouth parting slightly. Inside, she was squealing with joy, which turned out fortunate for all of them since she hoped she wasn’t disturbing them too much. Her intuition proved uncanny – something was definitely going on between her new little sis and her cute friend with the very unique hat. “Oops, sorry! I didn’t mean to bother you two. I think I’ll leave now.” 

Her smile nearly split her face as she disappeared behind the doorway. She continued to speak as her legs stretched down the corridor, her lithe body tilting to an extreme. “You can return to whatever you two were doing.”

The remainder of the painting session passed in an atmosphere of uncomfortable silence. The gods must have stoked much amusement from making both of them suffer, their brief exchanges woefully awkward and marked by reddened cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The red marsh mentioned in the chapter is the Red Seabeach, it's in Liaoning. And you can see the northern lights in China, for that you need to travel to Heilongjiang province.
> 
> There are camels living in China in the wild, those are the Bactrian camels.
> 
> Usual thanks to bluntforcemomma for editing and improving the text.


	7. Lilies suit you well

Even with Shu still ensnared in a war with its neighbours, Yinping’s life was passing as sweetly as it had been even before her first painful experiences on the battlefield. The last threat of incoming battle arrived weeks ago. To her and the long-suffering people of Shu, that was almost enough time to convince themselves that the war was finally reaching its end. Her small family had welcomed a new addition – a loud, cheerful addition – so overtaxed with energy that she could power their fleet of war cannons. Suo seemed complacent with married life, even if his wife’s ecstatic marathons around her new home caused him to age a few years in a span of hours. 

Memories of her father and Ping still slipped into her daily thoughts, making her mouth suddenly dry and her eyes wet. Luckily, she had a wizard on her side, one with an impressive hat who could always magick her tears into products of laughter. Someone who became a very dear friend to her in those past summer months, who made sure that every moment together brimmed with joy. 

Her thoughts of him scared her when she was alone. Ma Dai caused her heart to pound with his mere presence, with the deceivingly relaxed yet protective way his towering body moved next to hers. She never had to rely on make-up with how he left her cheeks perpetually stained red. She put forward an effort to get to know him better, but this task proved just as unproductive as charging at a wall of Wei generals while blindfolded. 

Knowing him wasn’t impossible – she could occasionally penetrate that shield-like smile and recognize slivers of the tired and raggedly lonely individual, one who had seen too much of this hellish war in his lifetime. Vague mentions of his one remaining cousin, his only semblance of having a home, seemed to cause him much pain. Even then, Ma Chao was somehow too different from Ma Dai, as if he lived in a world imperceptible to their eyes. A better world.

She had acquainted herself with Ma Chao the Splendid once before. True to the rumors, there was a sense of kindness radiating from his posture. Though, with his rambling speeches about bringing justice to the land, he carried himself like a character from an epic poem, gilded armor and all. Ma Dai paled in both appearance and personality next to him, yet she found herself besotted by his down-to-earth manners and smiling secrets.

But did she truly love him? Yinping couldn’t single her mind on the answer. Her friend was not like Zhao Yun, one of the most handsome warriors in all the kingdoms and her first crush at five-years-old. His impossible feats on the battlefield, including once single-handedly rescuing Lord Liu Bei’s son from a cavalry of over five thousand men, established him as a Heaven-chosen hunter that made even her younger self feel embarrassingly inadequate. A humble man as well, he had once helped her down from a precariously tall tree and didn’t make fun of her for crying like an orphaned puppy. And he hadn’t even become angry when she got him in trouble with her father for kissing him on the cheek afterwards. She couldn’t believe how bold she had been that day. 

Now, she basked in the company of a man who, according to Bao Sanniang, was meant to be her husband. The young wife of her brother seemed utterly convinced of the premonition.

Love. Marriage.

Her mind hesitantly clasped at the image of fury on her father’s face, brought upon them by a message from Sun Quan. He would never agree to marrying his only daughter to a man like poor Sun Deng, weak in constitution yet gentle unlike his father. He echoed their own prince in a way, only the color he wore designated him as their enemy.

Maybe she should have stepped in and offered herself for the sake of peace. Perhaps this would have mended the tense relations between Wu and Shu, prevented the casualties altogether. It could have meant the lives of her father and brother.

Her eyes pressed shut, creating tight seams in her face. She knew it was the desperation speaking over her – not even her father, the God of War, could have spared them from the horror.

–

Heavy rain roiled in the sky for the entirety of the afternoon, thickening the air in the palace gardens with the scents of nurtured soil and blooming chrysanthemums. Studs of water glistened on every leaf and petal, sinking in silver slides towards puddles. The sounds provided a quiet tempo to her solitary thoughts. She felt numb as she rested against the railing of a small pavilion. 

Autumn cooled the morning with its early presence, withering leaves to a golden-brown with just a breath. Even nature seemed tired of its own deceptive beauty, but she remained unfooled by it all. 

She was putting herself through this again. Blaming herself. That appeared to be the only thing she had always been good at, rehashing past failures in her head as if preparing for time to repeat itself. Her thoughts crept dangerously close to that fateful battle at Fan Castle before hurrying scared back to the false comfort of that marriage offer. 

Would have marrying a man who was a stranger, one whom she did not love – would it have given her back her family, alive and happy? All those soldiers who had fallen at Jing Province, could they have been at home right now with their wives and children? As arrogant and selfish as she felt, she could have been their saviour, their salvation. Unknowingly, she had become their death sentence.

Tears swelled behind her eyes, and she desperately wanted to have someone at her side right now. She childishly wished for someone to come listen to her and brush away the burdens of her heart, ones that kept her staring at the ceiling at night. 

A familiar touch seeped into her thoughts, and she refused it with a physical shake of her head. She didn’t want to see him right now. Not that Ma Dai’s presence wouldn’t instantly lift her spirits, but she couldn’t imagine bothering him with her feelings while he was roughing through the injuries of his past battles. He had always remained adamantly patient while listening to her stupid, puerile problems. He readied himself with jokes when even the thought of crying crossed her mind, yet all she did was get him hurt. She needed to endure somehow. She resolved to be strong even as the breeze whipped shivers into each of her vertebrae. Maybe it was time to start wearing a longer skirt.

She trained her eyes on the surfaces of the ponds, disturbed by the dancing of the raindrops. Gloom tailed her thoughts so persistently that she filtered out the sound of footsteps sloshing their way towards her.

“Why hello, my lady! Nice to see you out here, despite the weather.”

_Even if father hadn’t intervened, I would have been too scared to marry him. Maybe it is my fault. I could have saved them…_

His voice failed to turn her head, and he considered calling out to her again. Something he did must have pleased the heavens for him to be able to end his day in Yinping’s company – a chat with the lady always heightened his mood, no matter how annoyed he had gotten with his unit’s stagnating progress in combat or how mentally exhausted he was after receiving another dubious assignment from Shu’s favorite strategists.

He cleared his throat. “What a coincidence to see you here, my lady!”

_I should have said yes. I should have offered myself to him._

He had expected her to face him then, all smiles and slightly flushed cheeks as usual, but she remained as morosely silent as the day he had found her in the forest clearing. Briefly, the thought entered his mind that maybe the same grief had ambushed her suddenly. Surely, the gods had allotted the two of them a shred of mercy for their recent mishaps, or else he wouldn’t have been standing there in that moment. With her.

The sound of a dense object thumping against the railing caused Yinping to pivot her head sharply to the left. Her eyes followed the pastoral designs inked on the side of a ceramic bottle, which smelled pungently of its sweet contents. The person holding it was the man she had desperately wished to her side, yet he was the last person she had wanted to see.

“Didn’t you hear me calling to you, Lady Yinping? Ah, I know! Without my hat, I must appear as drab and boring as everyone else! I need to quit forgetting to put it on.” Ma Dai looked so misleadingly indolent, his weight rested against the railing as he ventured a sip from the bottle. “Are you enjoying the scenery? Most people I know complain when it rains, but you’re marinating in it.”

She dared a quick glance at him, only a mere moment before she returned to watching the raindrops dissolve into puddles. She had already decided that maybe this once she should remain quiet. Those assignments Zhuge Liang had him perform showed in the tired lines surrounding his smile. Just recently, he had returned half-alive when the warring at Chengdu could have seized all of him. Yinping prayed that would be the last time.

“Yes. It’s nice to watch the water returning to its home.” She realized that remaining quiet would pique his interest in her behavior, so idle chatter might spare both of them further struggle. Anything to fill the awkward void of silence between them. “Ehm, is your unit doing better with their training?”

“You mean the sorry bunch who almost broke their necks staring at Bao Sanniang like they’ve never met a woman in their lives? Those men who just recently stopped falling off their horses over a tiny branch in the way? The ones who managed to survive spear practice without harming themselves? Yeah, they’re all ready for the enemy, and I suppose they can distract a unit of the Wei soldiers’ children. That should be enough of a challenge for them, don’t you think?” The man’s sigh was accompanied by a small, sardonic smile. Sometimes, he wondered why they had even volunteered to fight, but every pair of willing hands was more than welcome in those times. “Are you doing all right? You seem a bit down. I hope it’s only because of the lack of sunshine!”

His words didn’t incite any favorable response from her, much less a smile. Her face was partially masked by her length of hair, left unbraided and draped over her shoulders in an ineffectual embrace. Her ribbons and flowers were mysteriously absent. The last time he had seen her like this made him suddenly worried for Xing and even Suo. Had someone gotten to her family again? At the thought, he could easily brush aside his cheerful demeanor and leave behind the other one of his personas, the dark one that emerged only during those dreadful moments when all he cared about was the kingdom and following orders.

“I couldn’t find any more flowers for my hair, that’s all.” She hoped the excuse would be enough to distract him like it did with her brothers.

He met her little lie with a stare, his gaze knowing. Young maidens were often concerned with their beauty – he could admit to being a bit vain himself with how he adored his hat – but even Lady Zhen would not be put in gloomy spirits over the lack of wild roses. 

“They have… died out, I suppose,” replied Yinping softly.

“Well then, I guess we’ll just have to find some new flowers for you. Which ones would be perfect? Well, only wild roses are perfect for you of course, but they’ve returned to the earth. Though, peonies would be splendid, but we’ve missed them by a whole season, I’m afraid. Plum flowers tend to show up near the end of wintertime, but that’s far too long of a wait.” His eyes brightened with a grin. “I know! Lilies are still in bloom this time of year, so maybe a few of those will do. Do you prefer the white ones? Or maybe it’s better to play it safe with pink.”

He was doing it again, rushing to cheer her up. It was almost unbearable. She pursed her lips together so tightly that blood drained from them, turning them white. She feared that her answer would end in a sob.

She had really tried to be a friend to him, one as good as he was to her, but their relationship was built on his kindness and her being a whiny little girl. Maybe she could excuse herself and leave. That would be best for both of them. Maybe she could say that Xingcai needed her help, or maybe — she knew from the look in his eyes that she couldn’t fool him. She shivered, and her voice garbled in her throat. 

“Lady Yinping, please look at me.” His voice, so different from what she was used to, caused her to tremble at the slight detection of anger. Despite anxiety bundling her nerves, she felt compelled to meet his gaze. He wasn’t smiling, but there wasn’t a trace of hostility in the way he looked at her. Concern painted his features, and his expression made her stomach wrench with guilt. His gaze fixed on her troubled features; and for once, she was able to look at him without that childish flushing she hated so badly. 

She had forced him to worry about her, again. It seemed to be a never-ending cycle, one he wasn’t even vaguely interested in pulling himself out of.

“What happened? Did someone hurt you? Tell me what I can do for you. I’ll help you.” The promise was soft from his lips. He sounded so humble. 

Her lovely spirit seemed so fragile now. Someone, something must have harmed her. He could feel snakes of rage coiling in him, not targeted at her, but at the one who dared to upset the person that gave him hope that he was not alone in this world.

“Nothing. I just— I just had to think about something,” she whispered, so quietly that she was nearly inaudible next to him. Her hands began to tremble, and she squeezed hard around the railing in an attempt to still them. She was the little girl in need of a caretaker again. It wasn’t fair for Ma Dai to waste his time on her, unraveling her feelings and childish lies. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to bother you. I will make my leave.”

Before Yinping could even turn away, she felt the warmth of his hand draping over hers protectively, sapping away her will to flee. The warmth of his touch was addictive, dangerously sweet like the brush of honey wine coating his lips.

He remained expressionless as that cool mind of his pondered. Did memories of Fan Castle still encircle her thoughts? People tended to remember trauma in bits and pieces, in individual splinters. Which one had pierced her heart this time, left her a near ghost in this world?

“Tell me what made you feel like this.” His voice was more of a reassurance than a command. “Please, do not be untruthful with me.” 

She was painfully aware that he would not move until he found a way to help her. “I— Do you… know that— that—” Yinping tried to mend the gaps in her voice, to keep it and herself from crumbling any further. Her mind beseeched the gods for help, since she didn’t want to accept it from Ma Dai. “That Sun Quan wanted me to marry his son?”

“Yes, I had heard. You were to be married to Sun Deng, prince of Wu. Your father, thankfully, did not agree to this.” She could have sworn she spotted a flit of relief in his tired eyes.

“We already had signed an a- alliance with Wu before, through our lord marrying Lady Sun, and I thought that…” She silently berated herself for shivering again. The railing disfigured within her tightening fists. “I thought that maybe I could have told my father— that I could have done it for the sake of our people.” 

He knew the turmoil of self-blame, was akin to it. His first instinct was to wrap her up in his words, to let her feed from his manufactured joy until she lost track of her own pain. He needed to listen now.

“Maybe if I had married Sun Deng, none of this would have happened. The battle. The deaths of my father and Ping. All those soldiers who died so senselessly. I should have told my father that I’d— I’d marry him. I could have saved them.” The sob she kept locked in her throat finally escaped her lips. Why did she always do this to herself? And she was burdening him out of all people, carelessly discarding her sorrows on him even when his own was consuming him. “I just— It’s all coming back to me. I- I’m not sure if that would— if that would have saved them, but— There was a chance! I could have done it for them. I was young, so afraid. It’s too late now, but I just— I cannot stop thinking that— If it wasn’t for me, they’d still be here.” Her shoulders shook, and tears flowed uncontrollably down her cheeks. 

They complemented the rain, washing the back of his hand, but he kept his grasp firmed on hers. Her skin felt cold, so cold that it was almost painful to touch her. He allowed her to weep without a word. She needed that precious time for herself, to remove the snare around her heart so that she could truly begin to heal. Her sadness proved equally torturous for him. Her tears made him feel angry, mostly at himself for not being able to take away her tormenting memories.

“My lady, I don’t think the marriage could have saved anyone. Do you remember the marriage between our lord and the Wu princess, Lady Shangxiang?” Ma Dai couldn’t lie to her, even if it would provide her comfort for a brief amount of time. She was a strong person – she would learn to cope, to survive. “Their marriage was going to unite our lands, but it gave us maybe couple of years with them on our side. Sadly, the only type of alliance that lasts forever is one forced by surrender. Alliances aren’t signed so that the rulers could have us living in peace – it’s a tactic for them to avoid having to fight a stronger enemy. We all just end up fighting again when it breaks apart.”

A flicker of realization passed over her eyes. “But— But maybe at least— The battle could have been prevented.”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I’m sorry, my lady. I cannot give you an answer that will please you. What has happened was the will of the gods. All we can do is try to live another day.” His thumb feathered along the side of her hand. “I know, I know. You’ll always think that you could have done more; but sadly, it won’t change the past.”

“So why can’t I stop? Why— Why am I still doing this to myself?” Another wave of tears glossed her cheeks. Her body stiffened each time a sob tried to launch itself from her throat.

Ma Dai could only watch and hope to leech away some of her pain through their joined hands. He couldn’t help her nearly as much as he needed to, but he was there next to her.

The skin of her arms, pricked by the rain-beaded wind, was left exposed to him. His hand slid away from hers and drew the folded layer of cloth he wore at his side. Wordlessly, he wrapped it around her shoulders.

Those small gestures of care, they never failed to melt away all the protections she put up. She lost count of the times she had seriously pondered her feelings for him, coaxed herself with brief imaginings of what life might be with him. Why him, such a sweet and thoughtful man, why was he still unmarried? Why was he, to this day, on his own, without a family that would shelter him from his loneliness, love him for who he was and who he had to be?

“You just miss your loved ones, that’s all. You will never stop longing for them; but for their sake, you must stop blaming yourself. They would hate to see you like this.” He thumbed away her tears, nearly cupping her face in a way that made her heart swell. He lowered his voice to a soft murmur. “And I hate seeing you like this. What kind of a friend am I to let you suffer without offering my aid? Even though I cannot do much to help you right now.”

“Then what— What kind of a friend does it make me to you, Lord Ma Dai? You’re always there for me, but I never help you. I don’t think that’s fair.” Thankfully, her sobs seemed placated, no longer beating at her chest. Maybe she was too tired to cry any longer.

“Well, that makes you a great friend. Your company, my lady, is more than enough. Believe me or not, but you do more than you know. I truly appreciate it.” He hadn’t been aware that she thought herself so selfish for not returning his kindnesses properly. To him, her mere presence was more than what he deserved. She cared too much for him.

She mumbled. “You’re too kind, my lord.”

“Nope, I’m just stating the obvious. If you still feel like crying, I’ve got all day to listen to you. But just so you know, I prefer it when you laugh. I cannot make all your problems go away, but know one thing.” A sweet smile curved his lips, made the light in his eyes stand out for her. “Sun Deng would have been the luckiest man in the world to have you as his bride. Every man would.”

Any reply she could possibly sort together in her heated mind was interrupted when he ruffled her hair. His other hand found the width of his wine bottle. “But your hair! It’s such a huge, awful mess today. You look even worse than I do after I shovel the stables, and that’s quite an achievement. Maybe it’s the humid air!” He laughed so easily before taking another sip from his drink. “You want to try some of this? It’s baijiu diluted with tea. Not sure if your brothers would appreciate me offering you spirits, though.”

Ma Dai handed the squat bottle to Yinping, who couldn’t believe how quickly he had changed the character of their conversation from serious to plain silly. He had thoroughly demonstrated his talents in making her smile even in those dark moments.

“It doesn’t look that bad,” she uttered, feeling slightly insulted by his amused insults. Her hair was her pride, after all. Though she hated to admit, it looked embarrassingly unkempt that day. _Your hair looks like a nest of the fenghuang if you haven’t noticed,_ she retorted in her thoughts. An adorable pout strained her lips; but after a sip of his drink, she burst into a coughing fit as liquid fire burned in her throat. “Ugh, it tastes like fire!” Yet, it left a sweetly savory aftertaste coating her mouth.

“Be happy it’s not pure baijiu. This is much weaker than the regular stuff. I wouldn’t want you to get drunk, after all. Your brothers would never forgive me.” He directed his gaze to the sky. The clouds slowly thinned before his eyes, allowing single rays of sunlight to touch the earth. “It seems the storm is ending. Do you want to go lily-hunting later? We’ll see which colours suit you best. Though, I think you should try white ones this time.” 

The mere image of the brawny general picking flowers was amusing to say the least. To many, Ma Dai appeared strange and foreign with his flamboyant hat and brush-shaped weapon. His grinning, nearly boyish expressions didn’t make him look any more serious in eyes of other people, but that never seemed to bother him.

“If you don’t mind accompanying me, my lord, I’d be happy to have you at my side.” She finally mustered a smile. It took more time than he had expected, but getting to see her now was worth it. There she was, slowly regaining that wonderful aura, so full of color and life that he nearly had to squint his eyes to look at her. Hopefully, she would remain like this for longer, and in his wishes, forever.

“Then we’re sorted! Still, I’m positively certain lilies will look great on you.”

_But you are lovelier than all of the flowers in the land, my lady._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fenghuang is the chinese phoenix. It's the symbol of Wei.
> 
> And thank you very much again, bluntforcemomma for your help with editing and improving.


	8. You know she likes you?

“You don’t understand, Xing! All Yinping does lately is spend every free moment with him, behind closed doors. People are going to talk. Do you want her reputation to be in shreds?”

“Don’t think I’m not keeping an eye on them, Suo. It doesn’t seem like he wants anything from her, though.”

“For now! We don’t know him that well! What do we know about him aside from the fact he is Ma Chao’s cousin and wears a dumb hat?!” Suo glanced at his brother expectantly.

Outside the door, Sanniang’s features tapered, and she made a grouch face at no one in particular. _His hat is not dumb! In fact, I hope he’ll allow me to wear it sometime. Maybe I’ll ask Yinping to fetch it for me. He can’t say no to her. I wonder if it will look good on me though. It is quite extravagant. Nah, I bet I’ll look awesome!_

“Lord Zhuge Liang trusts him,” explained Xing in an exasperated tone. “He’s not one to be deceived, and what’s most important is that Yinping trusts him. You’ve seen how happy she is with him around. After father and Ping died, she never stopped blaming herself for it. You are aware she always does this to herself.”

Suo shook his head. “But what if he hurts her? What if he dishonours her and runs off?!”

Sanniang gasped at the accusation, gripping her collarbone. _What?! He would never do such a thing! You haven’t seen them in the gardens two days ago. They were picking flowers together for her! A guy who picks flowers with his lady cannot be a bad person! And now that I think about it, they’d have lovely children!_

“You have to stop following them, you know,” continued Xing. “It makes you look paranoid. Don’t forget – she’s old enough to choose a suitor for herself.”

For once, she nodded. _She totally is! She’s, like, so cute. It’s weird she’s not even engaged!_

“People will start talking behind her back! How do you think it looks when a young girl like her wanders around in the company of an older, unmarried man?” Suo rested a temple against the side of his hand. “Sanniang thought they were married when she had met them!”

She rolled her eyes. _Well, they look like a cute couple, duh! They’re so adorable together!_

“The servants are definitely talking about somebody, and it’s not our sister or Ma Dai,” stated Xing matter-of-factly.

Suo paused. “What? So who are they talking about?”

_I hope it’s something cool._

“You and your spontaneous marriage. Don’t think no one noticed when you left for a mission and returned with a stranger you had just married.”

_Hey! That was mean, Xing!_

Suo sputtered. “But— That was different!”

 _Of course it was! It was love at first sight! Ugh, some people just don’t get us!_ Sanniang crossed her arms.

Xing’s voice softened. “I’m not judging you…”

_Yes you are!_

“I’m just trying to tell you sound like a hypocrite right now.” Xing resigned himself to the tactical map, lingering perilously close to the door.

_He is not! He’s just worried! Though, he does need to give them some space. How can they get all lovey-dovey when people are always disturbing them?!_

“Why are you defending him, Xing? We don’t know his intentions. Have you seen the way her face reddens around him? How she follows him?” Suo matched his posture.

_Everyone did! They’re so cute, but why is Ma Dai so oblivious? He should, like, propose to her already! She’s cute, pretty, and she’s so strong! What’s not to love about her? Is he just shy?_

“I’m not defending him. But I am not going to treat him like an enemy just because our sister likes his company. The most important thing is that Yinping is happy. Remember, even if she’s our baby sister, she’s not a child anymore. I’m sorry, but we must finish this conversation. Our lord wishes to see me.” Xing’s footfalls creaked towards the door.

_Oops, gotta run!_

She thanked the heavens that she could prowl as silently as a cat, loping back from a successful nighttime hunt. She pressed her ear to the door of Guan Xing’s chamber and gleaned silence before lurking down the corridor. Bao Sanniang had never eavesdropped on anyone before – well, she had once before, but it had been so long ago with her sisters – this was her husband and her new brother.

And it was a matter of love. She hadn’t the faintest idea how Suo could ever believe that Ma Dai harbored bad intentions towards Yinping. He had approached Xing hoping he would share his fears, help him further complicate their sister’s life with one more brother constantly surveilling her. 

Much to Sanniang’s joy, Xing didn’t seem to share her husband’s doubts. He seemed the more reasonable of the two brothers, possessing a keen eye that Zhuge Liang often relied on. He was a bit too quiet for her liking – not to mention that he frowned upon her marriage with his younger brother – but he would have to surrender to her endearing personality eventually. 

Suo’s behaviour was interfering with the true love burgeoning between her new little sister and her talented friend. The passion could blossom at any moment; but to her dismay, there were no flower-field naps or vows to protect each other. No Yinping running to her with wet eyes, admitting in whispery tones how she had just promised her hand to the man she loved. No Ma Dai coming to Guan Xing and humbly requesting his blessing. Nothing, and it was trying her nerves more than a bad hair day. 

Yinping clearly had a thing for Ma Dai, but maybe he just happened to be too busy to notice. Anything to convince herself that he wasn’t just ignoring poor Yinping. There was absolutely no reason he could not be in love with her already! She couldn’t remember ever seeing them apart, not talking or painting or enjoying each other’s laughter to the fullest.

She proved adept at staying quiet and listening in on other peoples’ conversations, despite what her comrades often thought about her. Sweet-talking two people into joining hands couldn’t be too difficult. If her memory was correct, Ma Dai was out with his unit for training, and Yinping had spent all morning at the stables. She considered herself blessed for marrying a guy who was so handsome, passionate, and cool. Why couldn’t everyone else be so happy? 

She parted the double doors leading into the courtyard, filling her vision with grey sky. The air was sharp in her nostrils, and she briefly thought of switching her flashy outfits to thicker fabrics. She shrugged off the unfashionable thought and made her way to the stables, the beads in her hair jingling cheerfully. 

“Oh, their wedding is going to be so cute! My little sis will be such a beautiful bride!” She giggled to herself and quickened her pace, the words she had prepared for Yinping threatening to boil out of her mouth.

–

Her eyes scouted the fences of the stables, searching for the eye-wateringly bright mane of Red Hare. His usual box remained empty, but she couldn’t remember Yinping having talked about leaving the castle.

Among the idle whinnies of the horses, she could make out the soft cooing of a feminine voice. She crept towards Yuqiang’s stable, shielding herself behind tall partitions, at times falling onto all-fours to survey the gaps underneath the walls. Ma Dai was supposed to be out as well, once again training that infantry he was always complaining about. 

She discovered Yinping at the horse’s side, running a brush over his pelt as he partook in some apples. White lilies threaded her braids. She hadn’t seemed to notice her presence, still mumbling to the animal.

“When I’m done, your coat will shine like a morning sun, Yuqiang. You’re such a beautiful horse. Red Hare would be jealous if he saw me caring for you like I usually do for him. I hope the apples are sweet enough for your liking.” Yinping soothed to the horse, who lifted its head from the trough as if listening to her. “You take good care of your master, so I must thank you. You always bring him back in one piece.” Her voice thinned into a near whisper as she continued to speak. “I wish you could speak to me. I just want to know if there’s a chance he would ever like me. You know, as more than just a friend. I’m not even sure how I feel about him. Then again, what do I know about all this? I know I’m an awful friend to him, even if he says otherwise. Maybe he is lying to make me smile. It’s fine. Maybe it’s better this way. I know he won’t be around in Chengdu forever. One day, he’ll return to Liang to help Lord Ma Chao with his duties.” 

There were times when Yinping wondered what the real reason was that Zhuge Liang kept insisting Ma Dai train the new units. She couldn’t shake the feeling that it was just a smokescreen used by Shu’s main strategist, a cover for those dreadful missions that had almost claimed her dear friend last time. Ma Dai was widely acknowledged as one of the greatest riders in the land, and he could magick a group of weary farmers into soldiers. But every great man casted a shadow, and she had no doubts that he would do everything in his power to complete his objectives, tasks others would refuse.

“I already whine so much with Lord Ma Dai. Now, I’m forcing you to listen to me.” She breathed a sigh and smoothed along the horse’s mane. “Let’s see if braids suit you. You might look handsome with them. Your master already is, so you two will match.”

Sanniang leaned over Yinping, nearly resting her chin on her shoulder. “You should use your ribbons! Green silk would look awesome on him!”

Yinping snapped to face her, turning so quickly that she almost slipped onto Yuqiang. She gave a panicked yelp and, upon realizing who it was, felt an ice block forming in her stomach. How much had she heard of those innermost thoughts she stashed away from everyone else, especially him?

“Oh, Sanniang. Um, do you need anything?” Her face lit red once again. It kept happening almost daily, and Xingcai had even referred her to the medic when the “fever” hadn’t passed after a few days. A sick officer would weaken the ranks, after all.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you. You look so busy. Why’s the horse still here? Didn’t your lovely friend leave this morning?” 

The way Sanniang had called him her “lovely friend” gave her a weird feeling. “I told him to take Red Hare instead. He could use more time with a skilled rider, and I know I’m not very good with father’s horse. Anyway, Lord Ma Dai gave me some ink sticks with wild rose oil yesterday, so I just wanted to do something nice for him by taking care of Yuqiang.” A faint smile spread her lips when she thought back to yesterday evening. Her friend had dropped by to say hello and had presented her with the carved box of ink sticks, each of them meticulously shaped into rose flowers. She had felt guilty at how expensive they looked. Ma Dai wasn’t poor, but she didn’t like the thought of him spending money just to please her. Still, the amount of attention he paid to her warmed her skin.

“So that’s why your chambers smell like a garden! Anyone would think you got flowers from every guy in the land.” She had to admit that giving gifts was a decent start. Everyone knew that people had to be at the close friend stage before bringing out the presents, or else it’d just be weird!

“He said that since I’m improving my calligraphy, I need better equipment. He had promised them to me a while ago.” She had already forgotten about the ink sticks, but it was nice that he had remembered despite his duties.

“What a thoughtful gift! He must really, really like you!” Bao Sanniang’s smile stretched even wider than usual, hinting at more sentimental thoughts. Giving gifts must be his way of expressing affection, affection that the man was too shy to express with his lady! “Has he given you anything else? You know, there must be a pretty good reason for it.”

Yinping seemed hesitant. “Um, maybe he really likes my company?”

“Oh, he really, really likes your company, if you know what I mean!” Sanniang giggled and flashed Yinping a knowing look.

Yinping felt like she was going to burn down from her head to her toes, and all that would be left of her were a pile of ashes in the shape of footprints. She was certain Sanniang was referring to more than just Ma Dai returning her childish affection. “Did you happen to hear me talking while I was brushing the horse?” 

Yinping sighed. She had trusted in her solitude while she was busy hoisting her issues onto the poor animal. She thought Yuqiang would be all sympathy without the messy details, something she needed at the moment. She hadn’t wanted anyone to know her feelings before she did. Admittedly, she still doubted them as a mere crush, doubted herself as a woman in Ma Dai’s eyes. 

It was clear Sanniang had grasped every single word. “Well, yes. Sorry! Don’t be embarrassed, Yinping! I just heard you talking and— Oh, don’t look at me like that! I wasn’t listening to you on purpose, you know! Besides, I imagine you like him a lot, and I think I can help you!”

“Help with what? I— I don’t know what you mean.” She did, but it felt safer to convince herself otherwise. Her brother’s incessant spying had her smothered with embarrassment. With her recent stint of bad luck, having more people involved would only disturb the already fragile balance of her love life. Her friendship with Ma Dai could so far be measured in misfortunes, most of them accomplished by her hand.

“With what’s bothering you right now! Ma Dai’s a bit oblivious, but we can change that.” The details of her plan hadn’t been fully established, yet. She still had to sniff out Ma Dai’s feelings towards Yinping. To her, it wouldn’t take more than one particularly friendly conversation. “Just trust me, okay? I forgot – are you seeing him later?”

“Yes, he’ll be tutoring me in horseback riding, as usual. We’ll be meeting in the field near the castle, later this afternoon.” Her coy admission contained a tint of hope.

“Do either of you mind if I tag along? Maybe get to know your routine? I don’t get many chances to see Red Hare in action, and Suo is too busy today!” Some reconnaissance on the soon-to-be couple would prove useful for her mission. She felt herself as clever as Lady Zhen, secretly extracting mental notes from the smallest of their behaviours. It would mean the formula for a plan B if her planned conversation with Ma Dai went awry. Not that it wasn’t going to work – he was in love with her already, even if he was too shy to admit it. All he needed was a small push, preferably into a field of flowers with Yinping.

“It’s going to be kind of boring. I’m not very interesting to watch, even when riding Red Hare. But if you don’t mind that, I guess you can join us.” She couldn’t think of turning down Sanniang, especially since she had asked so sweetly. Still, this “great plan” of her sister’s had her nails pressing nervously into the meat of her palms, especially since it involved him. And she hadn’t wanted anyone to disturb her precious time with Ma Dai, an unknown amount of time they had together before he was inevitably shipped back to the battlefield. Sometimes, she was too nice for her liking.

Sanniang’s reaction was as expected, bilged with enthusiasm, though that curious smile of hers appeared to be widening with each passing moment. “Great! So I’ll see you later, Yinping! Bye, horsey!” She waved at Yinping and gave a hasty ruffle of the horse’s mane before taking her leave. She managed a final “See you later!” even as she crossed the exit to the stables.

 _I just hope she knows what she’s doing. If she blurts my feelings to Ma Dai, I’d probably elope to Nanman._ Yinping prayed that he wouldn’t laugh upon hearing how his little friend had chosen him as the target of her infatuation. A part of her clung to the hope that Sanniang would bump her head and forget everything she had heard. Yuqiang on the other hand, looked up from his trough and appeared to stiffly shake his head at her.

“Don’t do it. It’s a bad idea.” The horse couldn’t speak, but she heard.

–

For the first time in his life, Ma Dai wished he could turn off his ears. 

He wondered if it was sweat or blood rolling down his neck as Bao Sanniang continued to assault him with her increasingly grating voice. He could tolerate useless weather talk and the like, but he had learned more about Guan Suo in the past hour than he had cared to know. It didn’t help that Suo seemed to turn up whenever he happened to be near Yinping, as if they were conjoined siblings.

He was suddenly deluged with pity for Xingcai, Sanniang’s other haunt. Now he understood those sudden meetings with people he had never heard of, people who had probably never existed. To Sanniang’s credit, he knew her intentions were devoid of malice. She was nice, although a bit too tiresome for his liking. 

Then again, at least she did not look at him as if he were a peasant reaching for the emperor’s daughter with his filthy, unworthy hands. He reconsidered excusing himself, eventually settling on toughing through Sanniang’s poem on how cute Suo’s face looked when he was sleeping. It was time for his horse-riding class with Yinping, so he found temporary refuge in the image of the lady riding Red Hare through the fields.

Sanniang’s voice echoed in his daydream as well. How much he wished to listen to anything else than that avalanche of awestruck twaddle. He almost missed his cousin’s three hour-long sermons on righteousness and Wei Yan’s broken speech, though the latter was not annoying on purpose. 

He had Yinping’s riding to look forward to, at least. She had trained diligently in the free time she had between her duties and their meetings. Even if she still had problems with comfortably climbing onto the saddle – which had resulted in a couple of too-cute jumps and wiggles to get on – she had made an impressive stretch of progress by herself. 

Ma Dai had to admit that it was pure bliss watching Yinping get to know the demon horse, the brushes of wind picking up ribbons of her hair. She cut a striking figure, her tiny frame leading Red Hare through the pastures just as Lu Bu had. He had always found himself waiting for that smile, the one that curved her lips when she realized she was getting better with every lesson. That lovely face was the one he had hoped to always remember.

“You’re really quiet, you know?! Everybody says you’re more talkative!”

Ma Dai’s gaze cut to an irritated Bao Sanniang. She examined him with a pout and a raised eyebrow. Even her beads jingled in a vaguely menacing way as she moved closer to study his face. She had been trying to badger a response out of him, hoping to hear his personal confirmation of his growing affection for her little sister.

“I’m sorry, my lady, but you seemed so invested in describing the details of your life story, your sister, your tattoo, your obsession with cats, and your dearly beloved husband. I just didn’t have the heart to disturb you.” Ma Dai tried to reign in the thread of mockery in his voice. Insulting the girl would only compound his current relationship issues, especially since she happened to be wed to the one guy that was convinced he was a lecher.

“But could you talk some more?” She paused for a moment, thinking about how to lead him into the topic that brought her there in the first place. “We could talk about something you like!” A wicked smile appeared on her face.

“Like what?” he asked innocuously.

“Let’s talk about Yinping!” Yep. Slow and subtle, just as she had planned. “How do you think she’s doing with her horse lessons?”

The sudden change of subject was nearly tangible to Ma Dai’s ears. Now that he thought about it, all her comments had revolved around how lovely he and Yinping looked together, how they already resembled a married couple. He noted the devious bend of her smile and could sense the awkwardness encroaching on him.

“She’s doing really well. She’s made vast improvements since her first lesson, but that’s to be expected.” He dared a glance at Yinping in the distance. She had already settled herself on Red Hare’s back, and she ventured a shy glance in their direction from time to time. He hated to admit to himself, but looking at the girl was enough to make him feel excited for life. It was something he hadn’t felt for years, yet he brushed aside any lingering thoughts about her. He knew that his attachment to Yinping was growing slowly, but he hoped it would never cross the border from deep friendship. Too many would suffer, her most of all.

“I’m sure she is! You are the one who’s teaching her, after all! Lots of people say you’re one of the greatest riders in the land!” She rolled on her heels, her eyes half-lidded. “You know, she always talks about how much you help her, how great of a man you are.”

“Really? That’s very kind of her. She’s a great friend of mine, too.” Ma Dai answered innocently, smiling idly at the girl by his side. The sun’s pleasant embrace was interrupted by breezes that cut through the fields. It impressed him how the girls never seemed to be cold, despite the lightness of their uniforms. He guessed it was another thing a man would not understand.

“Well, but…” Fear punctuated Sanniang’s speech. Maybe he wasn’t just being dense. She had to keep pressing on. “She told me that you always find time to teach her, even if you’re so busy. And those ink sticks you gave her were so nice. She must be very dear to you.”

“We like to meet up sometimes to paint and chat. It’s good to have friends in these dreadful times, don’t you agree, Lady Sanniang? And Lady Yinping is indeed a precious friend to me.”

His replies failed to satisfy her, and the way he kept referring to Yinping as a “friend” frustrated her. Maybe she just had to tell him what they both knew, let him hear it spoken aloud. He and Yinping had been destined to make each other happy!

“I know that! But that’s not what I mean!” She almost jumped up, her emotions boiling at his obliviousness. She had wanted to avoid such a blunt approach, but it seemed like he needed to know. “She likes you a lot, you know?! Like, really likes you?”

“I like her a lot, too! I’m glad she treats me as such a good friend.” Seeing Sanniang’s expression wither was slightly satisfying. Even he knew he was the object of Yinping’s crush, but she had never tried to lead him into anything more intimate than their friendly outings. He had never expected her to know everything about romance, and perhaps it intimidated her like it did him. 

That explanation wouldn’t be enough for Bao Sanniang. “No, you don’t get it! Ugh, why are men so dense?!” she groaned. “She loves you, silly! She just doesn’t have the courage to tell you!”

She stared at him expectantly, allotting him a few moments of silence for the realization to sink in. Afterwards, he could make a retreat for his lady, tell her what he had been too fool to accept before, and then beg for her hand. 

From the look on Sanniang’s face, Ma Dai knew that his reply was crucial. What could he possibly say to dodge this one? For once, the mental gymnastics made him dizzy. If he tried to play it off as a joke, Sanniang would undoubtedly be angry. He’d be accused of leading the poor girl on, playing with her emotions. He could simply drop it on Sanniang that he didn’t love Yinping, but he had the feeling it would spawn more questions than answers.

To her, there were no reasons for him not to surrender to the clumsy, adorable charms of the God of War’s daughter. To him, she was a Shu princess when he was nobody, merely a cousin of the great Ma Chao. In the eyes of others, he'd benefit a lot from marrying the daughter of Guan Yu while she'd be laughed at for choosing someone like him. The relationship would surely bring contempt onto both of them. Not many people were blessed with the luxury of marrying for love. It was a contract, a treaty between families rather than hearts. Besides, she deserved better than a broken man who had forgotten genuine laughter. She deserved more.

Sanniang’s smile started to wilt when no further reaction came from Ma Dai. No flushed cheeks, no hurried thanks for her efforts. He just stared at her until a faint smile appeared on his lips. 

“I’m sorry, my lady, but I am already seeing someone back in Liang.” The lie bit his lips, but he was sure Sanniang would never leave him alone otherwise. 

His reply was met with a parted mouth, and she dragged a breath into her motionless lungs. She hadn’t expected this! Who was she? Was she prettier than Yinping? Stronger? How could he already have someone? Poor Yinping, she was going to be heartbroken!

“What?! Then why do you spend all that time with her?!” She could bundle her hands in his shirt, shake him until he came to his senses.

“Because she’s my friend. That’s all. Sorry to disappoint you, but your matchmaking skills are quite inspiring. I’m sure you’ll find yourself a couple you can help. You can see I’m in need of none.” He could feel Yinping’s company drawing him closer, yet he was devoid of joy. “I’m sorry, but I must take my leave. Lady Yinping is in need of me.”

He left her side and started towards Yinping. She had grown impatient with having no one to talk to, having climbed down from Red Hare to enjoy the feel of earth underneath her feet. She led him along by the reigns as she sought to meet Ma Dai halfway. Her smile was sweet, and a slight flush decorated her features. Blood rushed into his cheeks, but he blamed it on the chilling wind.

Sanniang observed them with unblinking eyes. Yinping seemed so happy in that moment from just speaking to the man. How heartbroken would she be hearing that he, out of all people, already had someone?

The wrongness was an itch in Sanniang’s skin. Ma Dai did not behave like a man separated from his lover during a war. Quite the contrary with how his mannerisms changed around Yinping, how much brighter his smile was and how much purer his laughter seemed. He was a different man with her by his side. 

It puzzled her. Either he was lying about his feelings, or he turned out to be a cheating bastard. She prayed for the first option, even though no one could deny the second.

“Oh, I wish someone would tell me the truth!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've noticed the chapters are getting much longer recently, I hope no one minds that.
> 
> Many thanks to bluntforcemomma for editing.


	9. Little lies

A section of the hallway smelled of ink with hints of sandalwood intertwined with wild roses. Anyone passing by could have sworn that Guan Yu’s daughter was raising a secret garden in her chambers, but the talking and laughter heard from within indicated a cozier affair. Her brush strokes finally resembled smooth lines instead of small mountain ranges of caked-on paint, mostly thanks to the person who held her hand as they moved the brush in tandem. With their combined effort, her painting resembled a real-life animal without having to squint. She brightened with pride, and Ma Dai also seemed pleased by the result.

He smiled at her as he laid his brush by the inkstone. “I think this is your finest work so far, my lady. But tell me, how do you find spare time to practice art between your duties, trainings, and our meetings? I hope you’re getting enough sleep. Working by candlelight isn’t good for your eyes, and you do look a bit pale. Are you unwell?”

His smile faded as he fixed his gaze on her wan features. Maybe it was the grey autumn weather that had made her seem blanched. She had taken to wearing a long-sleeved felt coat with knotted frog closures down the front and a pair of camel-wool tights with her usual ensemble. He had often reminded her that she spent too much time in the cold, but he had to admit that he almost missed seeing the bare skin of her legs. He took a mental note to visit Red Hare in the stables later and have the stallion kick him in the head for such impolite thoughts. Like his friendship with Guan Yinping wasn’t complicated enough already, with her brother and his nosy wife entering the fray as well. One of them treating him like a lecher and the other thinking him a liar.

“What? No, I get enough sleep, but the howling wind’s just keeping me up lately. I keep thinking it’s someone crying. That’s all, my lord.” She set the painting to dry, silently impressed that she hadn’t ended up dropping it even once. She had this lie well-prepared – well, she hadn’t spoken any untruths – the wind did often whistle through the castle’s old foundation, keeping more than a dozen people awake before birdsong.

It was Bao Sanniang’s plan that was effectively depriving her of rest. She would ruminate in her cot, her mind trying to determine whether or not she had told him anything. She had the sense to ask the girl herself, but the answers her sister would tease her with were frustratingly vague. It didn’t help that Ma Dai remained silent about it all, as if the possibility had never crossed his mind.

If she were a different person, maybe Ma Dai would have already fallen in love with her by now. She lacked Yueying’s wisdom and elegance, the ability to speak so easily about sophisticated subjects. Not that she thought him too grey for her liking, but the older man could pass as her father. Or maybe his preferences were more carnal in nature. She had never concerned herself too much with her figure, her complaints limited to not gaining enough muscle in time for the next skirmish. In comparison to Bao Sanniang’s wiles, she found herself looking pre-pubescent. She was becoming increasingly aware of the lack of curves in her reflection, her shoulders too broad, collarbones too apparent. Or perhaps the truth was more obvious and painful – he liked her just the way she was, with her dangerous clumsiness and flaws, with her forgetful nature and careless strength – but he would never care for her as more than just a friend.

Ma Dai had started to fear the likely outcome of Bao Sanniang’s involvement. He had lied to her about having someone waiting for him in Liang, if only to distract her curiosity for a moment’s peace. But that girl, she had a talent for complication. There was something else, too, that made his nights worse off. It obviously hadn’t been poor Yinping’s idea to have Bao Sanniang scream her secrets in his face, but it made him wonder. What would he have done if she had gathered the courage to face him with her feelings? About how he makes her heart pound and her future more hopeful with his mere presence? He knew he’d try to turn her down as gently as he could, but he’d still break her heart.

He could imagine the tears shining in streams down her cheeks, a necessary cruelty. He couldn’t love her, despite the traces of warmth he felt while around her, much to his growing fear. Being close to her felt so sharply sweet that it stung him. Those were the moments he considered limiting their time together. She would only grow fonder of him, and he felt himself cruel for knowing she was only adding to her future heartbreak. Her smile had the unhealthy tendency of drawing him to her side, and he wished for it to remain on her face even when he was gone.

“I wouldn’t like to see you fall ill, so please try to be careful. It’s the time of the year when everyone gets sick. Tea with a little baijiu should help you sleep, but try not to drink as much as I do. It’s unhealthy.” He gave a wry smile. “You know what? Maybe you should stick to just herbal tea. I’m glad you started dressing more warmly, though. It’s nice to see at least one girl here who isn’t still hooked on summer nostalgia.”

“You don’t need to treat me like a little girl all the time. I know how to behave. I’m an adult, you know?” She pouted at him. Yinping knew he meant well, but she was beginning to resent being reminded of her youth.

“Of course, you are, my lady. The way you stick your lips out is very mature.” He laughed, smoothing down her cowlicks with a hand. Maybe she was right. The moment a person stepped onto a battlefield, weapon in hand, they were ready to die like an adult. Yet, her hair was lovely to the touch, like skeins of newly woven silk. There wasn’t any other in the whole world that could match the softness of the Goddess of War’s hair.

“Hey, stop that! I’ll ruin your hair, too!” She reached out and tried to mussy his bangs, disappointment seeping into her eyes when she began to realize he didn’t look any different. It was like adding another twig to the bird’s nest that was his hair, not that she would ever hit him in the head with a stick! At least, not on purpose.

“My hair’s a complete mess already, though I have to admit there’s a slightly noticeable difference in the mornings.” He waved his hand. “Save your strength, Lady Yinping. You’ll need it for later.”

For later? She opened her mouth, but someone burst into her room without knocking, an increasingly regular occurrence. Bao Sanniang stormed her way inside, a small box in hand.

“Hey, Yinping, I just finished that thing I promised to make for you—” She gave a pause, her head slowly turning to acknowledge Yinping’s other visitor. “Oh. Hi.”

Her unusually deadpan greeting was met with equal enthusiasm from Ma Dai. “Hi there.”

Yinping uttered, “Sanniang, could you please knock before entering? My room is not a public space for everyone.”

“What? Yeah, sorry! You weren’t doing anything I should be worried about, right? Okay, I will knock next time! Yinping, don’t look at me like that! Sorry! Again. Anyway, I’ve got some flowers for you!” she exclaimed as she invited herself to their table and planted the box in front of them. The contents consisted of several wild rose flowers, their vivid colors untouched by the cold. They should have been long gone, yet closer examination revealed petals made of delicately sculpted silk.

“They’re beautiful! I thought they were real!” Yinping gawked at the minute craftwork, a feat she could never accomplish with her clumsy fingers. “Did you make these?”

“Yeah, I know, they’re so impressive! I put tons of effort into it because there aren’t going to be any flowers for you to wear soon, so consider these a replacement! We have to stay looking good, you know?!” Sanniang noticed their matching carrion hairstyles. “What happened to you? Your hair is all over the place!”

“It’s Lord Ma Dai’s fault! He ruffled my hair. He always does it! So I did the same to him!” She crossed her arms, flashing an accusatory glance in Ma Dai’s direction.

Sanniang’s jaw dropped. “Are you serious?! Ugh, men are so insensitive! We work really hard on being pretty, you know?!”

Their complementing glares evoked a sheepish apology from Ma Dai. “I didn’t know you were so good with making accessories, Lady Sanniang. You’re quite talented. Is someone tutoring you in art?“

“Don’t patronize me, Mister! I’m self-taught, and I make all my decorations myself!” She relented, her frown softening. “But thanks! Nice to see someone appreciating fine craft! _Even though you’re just a big, smelly liar! Not that you smell or anything, but you get my point!_ She wrenched a deceptively dainty hand around Yinping’s arm and dragged her in front of a wall-hanging mirror. “C’mon, Yinping. Let’s braid your hair. You can try out those new pins I made you! Now, where’s your brush?”

Ma Dai quieted himself, content in watching the girls sort through Yinping’s hair. Bao Sanniang would sneak glances at him which could be read as “I have the feeling you lied to me, and I will stop at nothing to uncover the truth about you”, but he felt himself safe for the moment. He had no friends here, at least ones who were truly aware of his deep-seated loneliness. Ma Chao being one of them, but he was bogged down with his gubernatorial duties in Liang. Wei Yan knew of his lack of family life, but he was probably toughing through frostbite somewhere up north. Hearing Sanniang complain endlessly about her husband and her growing inability to wear shorts in snowy weather seemed a vacation for his mind.

“I was like, so pissed that it’s cold here already! Where I come from is way warmer – not that I mind snow! It’s really cute and stuff, but now all the cats are hiding. No fun. And it’s so annoying! Plus, Suo is always so busy lately! We never get to hang out! But you’re so lucky, Yinping. You always have someone by your side, so you’re never bored.” A someone who was either tragically in love with her or just playing with poor Yinping’s feelings! Sanniang huffed as she expertly plaited her friend’s hair, a task that required half an hour’s effort. “By the way, is Xingcai always, like, that strict and no fun at all?! Her brother is so cool – not like Suo, of course – but things are always more fun when he’s around. Xingcai talks about soldier stuff most of the time, and it’s soooo boring!”

Yinping mustered a coy smile at her reflection. She hadn’t seen her hair pulled away from her face in so long, and her neck felt oddly bare. “Well, she takes her duties very seriously; but she’s very nice, though a bit reserved.”

“But she could smile some more, you know!” Sanniang sighed as she bound the long, thick braid with a ribbon. With a breezy hairstyle dotted in flowers, she looked as if spring hadn’t passed two seasons ago. “Done! You look awesome, Yinping!” She gripped her shoulders, maneuvering the two of them to face Ma Dai. “Okay, but now we need an outsider’s opinion! Ma Dai, what do you think? She looks like she’s blooming, doesn’t she? I mean, she always looks way gorgeous, like super nice, but you get that she’s totally awesome, more than usual, right?”

“Lady Yinping couldn’t look any lovelier. You are remarkably talented, Lady Sanniang.” His compliment reddened Yinping’s cheeks, and even Sanniang seemed pleased by his reaction. So he might be a total liar, but at least he still recognized goddesshood when he saw it.

“Gee, thanks! I mean, I’m proud of the flowers, because—” She gave a pause when she picked up the all-too-familiar, no-nonsense voice of Xingcai directed towards the maid.

She sounded more impatient than usual, a feat for the serious young woman. “I know Bao Sanniang’s here! Summon her this instant. We were supposed to leave for a routine check of one of our northern bases.”

Both Ma Dai and Yinping pinned their gazes to the guilty party; and for once, she had nothing to say. She rocked on her heels, playing with the stack of beaded bracelets on her wrist. “Uhm… It’s not like I was avoiding my duties or anything. I just had to finish your flowers, and— Okay, gotta go! See ya later!” She flew out of the room almost as quickly as she had entered, almost colliding with the startled maid.

As expected, Xingcai laid down a muffled scolding on Sanniang about being irresponsible, that being an officer of Shu meant having to remain diligent in the event of further Wu retaliation, Wei invasion, the apocalypse, so on, so on. Nonplussed, Sanniang told her to lighten up, which resulted in an extension on her lecture.

“Seems like she’s having a tough time with Xingcai. I’m glad I’m not in her position right now. ” Ma Dai’s words held a tint of honesty, but a part of him felt pleasure that one of the many people complicating his and Yinping’s relationship was going through an interrogation herself. That meant one less person interrupting their meetings.

“She’s never been a real soldier before, so she must have a hard time adjusting to the army routine. I’m sure she will get used to it soon.” Yinping sighed as she finally returned to her seat at the table, next to Ma Dai. By then, her painting had dried, the black slightly faded and smooth against the tapestry.

“I think your painting is missing one very important thing. ” He reached into his calligraphy set box and opened a tin of wet paste before passing it to her. “You need to sign it. You don’t have your own unique seal, yet, but you can just write your name on it for now.”

“But I’m not an artist, so— You helped me a lot, my lord, so it’s not even my work.” She deferred to Ma Dai with a puzzled expression. If it weren’t for him, the painting would have resembled a table more than a horse.

“But you put a lot of effort into it, didn’t you? And if you’re happy with the result, I think you should put your name on it. You might even need your own seal soon enough.” He sounded so genuine that it made her eyes prick with tears. He remained so patient with her, and it seemed almost routine for him to remind her to sign her work.

Reluctantly, she palmed the paste container, and the brief brush of his fingers against hers sent pleasant shivers down her spine. Yinping took a clean brush, tipped the horsehairs in paste, and brushed her name in the corner.

Yinping fixed her gaze to the painting, but she could sense him watching her face. “Uhm… So you really think it’s a good work? I know I’m not much of a painter, but it’s better than my other drawings, right?”

He nodded. “Yes, it looks good. I won’t lie. You still have a long way to go, but you show vast improvement.”

“So…” Her cheeks heated, and she held up the fragile scroll by her fingertips. She wished she could give Ma Dai something for once, even if it wasn’t worth a single gold piece. “I’d like you to have it, my lord. I know it’s not very good, not even decent, but I’d like you to keep it. I know it’s nothing compared to your work.” _Gods, what am I thinking? Yinping, what made you ever think a great artist like him would want your ugly scribbling?_

“I’m honoured to receive such a lovely gift from you, my lady.” Ma Dai retrieved the scroll from her hands. The crude lines were immediately apparent to his eyes. Transient stains of ink clouded the horse-like animal like flies around a pestilence victim. Though, he had to appreciate her dedication. “Thank you.” Seeing how her eyes lit made his heart pound. He wished he didn’t know why she made him feel that way.

“It’s nothing special. I’m just very happy you accepted it.” She breathed a sigh of relief, her cheeks decorated in crimson. She didn’t want to imagine how she would have felt if he had politely rejected it instead. “You said that I’ll need my strength for later. Why?”

“I thought that we could add something new to your training routine. You’ve gotten better at riding Red Hare, but you can’t go galloping into a battlefield unarmed. I’d like you to try getting on horseback with your mace in hand.” He was certain Red Hare could shoulder the weight, having hefted Lu Bu through throngs of enemy soldiers without fail. “You’ll have to handle it one-handed, though, unless you trust yourself to ride without using the reins.”

The thought made her hands go cold “What? I don’t think that’s a very good idea. I still need couple of tries to get on Red Hare now.”

“At least give it a shot. There’s not much that can go wrong.” He flashed her a reassuring smile, but it did little to quell her visions of incoming disaster. Their meetings always seemed to end with one of them being sent to the medic or humiliated.

_Anything can go wrong, Lord Ma Dai, especially when we’re together._

—

“Why do we have to go Gods-know-where to see some depressing base?! It’s, like, way boring. We could be doing better things, like watching Suo pass the ball. He’s the best at that! And why do we have to go, anyway? There are tons of fun-hating people around here who would love to visit that smelly, cold base!”

Sanniang’s oblivious prattling was really starting to needle its way into Xingcai’s skin. They had left not even an hour ago on their horses, and a low sigh had slithered out from her throat at how slowly time was passing. Sanniang could have been a time god with her ability to regurgitate complaints and stretch minutes into hours.

“Sanniang, didn’t I tell you we were heading north? Your coat is nearly see-through! And you’re still wearing your summer clothes. I hope that you are not purposefully trying to get sick so that you can skip your duties.” Xingcai tried to maintain her composure, even as the sharp winds bit her lips and cheeks. If this were to be the synopsis of their journey, she’d prefer to have her companion sent back while they were still a breath’s reach from Shu Castle.

“But if I wear a thick coat, nobody would be able to see the cute outfit I’m wearing!” The numbing breeze whistling around her body almost made her regret not wearing something warmer, albeit so last season. At least she had one thing to look forward to: clothes shopping! “Hey, I forgot to ask. Do you know Ma Dai well?”

“I know little of him. He’s a competent soldier and an experienced cavalry combatant, but people tend to get the wrong impression of him from the way he carries himself.” Xingcai was well-aware that behind the facade of constant smiling and joking, there was a man who made countless enemies regret underestimating him. “Why do you ask?”

Sanniang and Suo had been trailing Ma Dai and Yinping like shadows. She couldn’t be bothered with whatever nonsense they were up to, but the glimpses of gossip were beginning to concern her. She had picked up on more than enough people speaking ill of her father, about his stubborn temper and love for drink. Despite those flaws, he was still her father, and she had suffered many sleepless nights after his death crying silently into her pillow. Yinping, however, wasn’t strong like her. She was fragile and gentle and would probably burst into tears if she knew people had been talking about her. Thankfully, none of the rumors had been particularly cruel, and she prayed for the uneasy peace to remain.

Sanniang’s face scrunched up and she squinted her eyes, as if about to sneeze. “Hey, look! There’s a funny-looking guy wearing tiger fur coming this way on a spotted horse! He’s wearing a mask!”

Sanniang’s loud comment jolted her from her thoughts, and she fixed her eyes on the trail ahead. She quickly recognized the man, even at a distance. As he drew closer, Xingcai met him with a greeting. “Lord Wei Yan, it’s good to see you. I assume you’re heading to Chengdu. Are things well in the north?”

Sanniang’s mouth parted as she studied the behemoth of a man. He appeared so odd, almost like a barbarian with his thick pelt of hair and horned mask. It was a little scary but in an impressive way, and she wondered if it was some kind of new trend.

“I… Well… Lady Xingcai… Sorry for… your father.” He spoke loudly; yet his speech seemed to hang, almost as if talking was painful to him.

“Thank you,” she replied, nodding once in reverence. Her mouth shifted into a frown when she noticed the gawking expression on her companion’s face. “Sanniang, stop staring at him like that,” she hissed.

“Sorry! Hey, nice to meet ya! I’m Bao Sanniang, but you might know me as Guan Suo’s wife. I’m new!” Before Wei Yan could reply, she was ahead of him with seven new topics. “Nice fur you have. I’ve never worn tiger before, of course, but your mask is so cool! We’ve got to be the most stylish army there is with you, me, and Ma Dai!”

Wei Yan appeared surprised, his head lifting like a rabbit scenting danger. “Ma Dai… here?”

“Yes, he’s been with us since summer, training the new cavalry units. I’m sure the two of you have a lot to talk about, since I assume you haven’t been in contact in months.” She drew the reigns closer to her midriff. “I apologize, but we must part. I hope to see you again soon, Lord Wei Yan. Sanniang, let’s go.” She jostled her horse, and Sanniang followed.

“See you!” she squealed, her smile fading as her mind gradually registered the exchange. The two men hadn’t spoken in months. Ma Dai actually had a friend other than Yinping, another man who could tell her who the general really was. “Xingcai, tell me. Are Ma Dai and Wei Yan friends?! Like, very good friends?!”

“Yes. Why do you ask?” Xingcai experienced a sinking feeling, having already sensed the answer marinating in Sanniang’s head.

“Oh, nothing! Just wanted to know!” she answered innocently. She hoped Wei Yan wouldn’t be a smelly liar like his friend. Yinping deserved a man who didn’t have any secret wives or concubines. Having married the God of War’s son, she didn’t settle for being anything less than his number one. With a little finesse, Yinping wouldn’t have to, either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the wait with this one. Inspiration didn't hit me for a long time.
> 
> Thanks to bluntforcemomma for her help with this chapter as usual.


	10. Insincerities

Guan Suo stood lonely atop the castle wall path with only a cutting breeze accompanying him. He had a very clear view on his sister preparing for her usual horseride training… with him. He didn’t like in the slightest how Ma Dai placed his hands on her as she attempted to mount Red Hare while wielding her mace. Their combined efforts proved naught, as the animal had either grown tired of the farce or was wary of the weapon that was swinging precariously close to its fiery head. Suo felt certain that she was besotted with Dai, which earned the guy even more of his distrust. His acquaintanceship with the general was nearly non-existent, even – he never had business with the man outside curt exchanges about the state of the units.

Yinping’s specter had little to no friends or family who could vouch for his nature, and word was that he came from a different province entirely. Reportedly, his only living relative was Ma Chao, who was currently wasting away with his governor’s duties in Liang instead of tearing through the battlefield on his white horse. Suo was not petty enough to embark on a trip to the north just to ask if maybe, by any chance, Ma Dai was planning on hurting Yinping’s feelings or even worse. He could abandon her with a bastard child like many soldiers tended to do and run off to gods know where. The notion made him want to pre-emptively duel the scoundrel, save both him and his poor sister the trouble.

Xing had been badgering him lately to quit his spying. His older brother was still too trusting, despite what they had been through. Yinping was of age to have suitors courting her and to get married if a proper candidate asked for their blessing first (even if Xing was the one to decide; as the eldest, he couldn’t allow anyone unworthy to take their sister away). She was still a child in his eyes. With her innocent and slightly naive personality, she could fall into a trap set by a lecher wanting easy riches or the prestige from having Lady Guan as a wife. Or maybe as a lover – he felt his guts clench reflexively at the thought. There was the constant risk that her shattered heart, damaged by the recent loss of her brother and father, could be bewitched by hollow promises of a life together with nothing but sweet moments. As much as he prayed for an easy, painless life for Yinping, such dreams couldn’t exist in wartime.

 _Maybe I am just being paranoid_ , he kept telling himself. He just couldn’t help himself – he worried constantly for his sister’s happiness and safety, both of which seemed fleeting as the war dragged on. His wife’s not-so-subtle comments didn’t alleviate him – Bao Sanniang prattled endlessly about how adorable the two looked together, how happy they seemed to be spending every free moment between their duties either locked behind doors or away in the fields. People were beginning to talk, their words traveling like locusts.

No one could possibly believe that they were just friends. Not with his closeness, her sweet smiles, or her ferocious blushing that made it seem like she was constantly ill. Maybe all of it was part of some conspiracy forced upon his poor sister. Ma Dai would catch her in a moment of weakness with his sickeningly sweet smiles, and then he would close in like a fox on a dying person…

“There you are! What are you doing here? You know we’re supposed to be heading to Baldi Castle, right?” His brother’s clearly irritated voice pulled Guan Suo from his dark thoughts. Guan Xing appeared next to him, looking down towards the stable yard. Again, Suo was up to his usual task of being the most oversensitive and paranoid member of their shrunken family. “I see,” he uttered before shooting an accusatory glance at the guilty party. “How many times do I have to tell you, little brother? Stop. Following. Them.”

“I’m not following them! I— I’m just making sure Yinping doesn’t hurt herself, that’s all.” Suo tried to sound unfazed. By the way his brother was looking at him, he knew no one believed him.

“Seems like she’s in capable hands for now. Do you really want to embarrass her?” Xing had more than enough of his own duties to attend to on top of trying to hamper Sanniang’s added surveillance of Yinping. One was convinced that Ma Dai was a hellspawn absolutely trying to corrupt their sister while the other was already planning their wedding in her head.

“I don’t! I just want to make sure she’s okay.”

“By tailing her every step? By showing up every time Ma Dai happens to be around her? I know you mean well, but don’t treat her like a child. Trust her like you do on the battlefield, where she risks her life like every other soldier.”

“You’re too trusting! Who knows what he’s intending to do to her while we’re away? Are you prepared to deal with him breaking her heart? Or leaving her with a child? She’s already been through too much this year!”

“And you’re obsessed. You’re the last person to be lecturing her when you brought your “true love” here after knowing her for… how long? Two days, maybe? If you fall in love this easily, you’ll definitely surpass Cao Cao in wives and concubines! Hope you plan on becoming the next king of Shu, since your current wife already loves spending money.“ Suo could feel the venom dripping from the corner of Xing’s mouth as the words escaped his lips. He hadn’t forgotten his little brother’s spontaneous marriage. "Stop spying on them!”

“I’m not spying on them!” His voice exited his throat louder than he had intended. A sound akin to a panicked yelp directed their attentions to the stable yard.

Yinping and Ma Dai were staring back at them, heads raised. She threw herself on Red Hare’s saddle, unable to even get her leg over its back due to her weapon nearly anchoring her to the ground. She resembled a cat as she hung flatly from the horse’s side, calling for it to run. Ma Dai immediately sprung onto his mount before managing a casual wave to the brothers. Trying to keep up with Yinping seemed a losing battle, with Red Hare running in bounds past Yuqiang.

They remained silent until the footfalls of the horses faded into the distance. Guan Xing shook his head. “Since they’re gone now, would you mind getting back to your duties? Baldi is not even a day away, and I don’t want to waste any more time.” He turned to walk away, and Suo reluctantly followed. Orders were orders, and war was war. They had to see their lord.

“You know that if anything happens to her while we’re away, you’ll be partially guilty for it, right?” Suo hissed at his companion, trying to maintain his posture while passing through the thoroughfare.

“Whoever hurts her will be punished in due time. If he intended to do anything disagreeable, I assume he would have already tried.” A wry smile played on Xing’s lips. “But it’s good you’re going to Baldi instead of leading scouting units to the Nanman border.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I’ve heard that Huaman, Meng Huo’s daughter, is quite the beauty and a great warrior. Though, if you had her as another wife, it would make our future plans to conquer the south easier.” Xing didn’t intend to sound so amused, not that he felt particularly bad about it. “Sanniang wouldn’t take it very well, I suppose.”

“What?!”

—

Despite her uncomfortable riding posture (if it could even be called that), Guan Yinping urged Red Hare to run until the castle shrunk to the size of a speck on the horizon. When she felt its muscles slacking from fatigue, she called for the horse to stop and rest. She delighted in Red Hare following her commands. Maybe it meant that he finally accepted her as his new rider, just like he had with her father.

She tossed her mace to the ground, shattering the dry soil upon impact, before hopping off. The ride hadn’t worn away the anger she was feeling towards her brother. Why did he keep doing this to her? Why couldn’t she choose her own friends? Have her own life? Was it because she was a woman, and Ma Dai was—?

“Huh? Where is he?” she asked herself as her eyes searched the expanse around her. She spotted Mai Dai approaching on his horse, which was superbly trained but still no match for a legendary beast like Red Hare.

“You’ve accidentally left me behind, my lady. I hope you weren’t trying to run away from me!” he exclaimed jokingly while jumping off his mount. He turned to his steed. “Go and graze a bit, Yuqiang. You deserve a break.” With a pat on the head, he dismissed the horse to a patch of dark but soft autumn grass.

Yinping was emanating rage, not that he could blame her. Guan Suo had been pestering them all morning when his wife wasn’t, always claiming to be looking for her just as the latter disappeared. Both of them hadn’t believed him in the slightest after the second or third time.

He had never seen Yinping so humiliated. The poor brush she held was crushed into small pieces with a few jarring snaps akin to bones breaking. _Mental note: fetch her one with a metal handle._

“Sorry, I just… I’ve had enough of Suo’s behaviour! All he does is follow us! Doesn’t he trust me?” The fury in her voice was given tempo by her stomps, which left a huge crater where her foot landed. _Another mental note: never, ever anger this girl._

“He does trust you. He just doesn’t trust me.” It would be pointless to tell her otherwise. “I’m an old guy hanging around his little sister, so he’s just being overprotective.” _And irritating as hell…_

“But— But you’re not trying anything! Doesn’t that bother you at all, my lord? The fact that we keep being followed?”

“Nah, not at all.” He lied with a smile. Her brother’s paranoia was slowly getting under his skin. He hated being regarded as some sort of scoundrel. He would never touch Yinping, despite how lovely she seemed to become with each passing day. Her warm, adorable nature seemed to gravitate him to her side, but she was not meant to be his. Even if the gods decided to curse him with feelings for her, she belonged here with her family and friends. Not with someone like him, who had already been ruined by half a life spent in miserable, painful solitude. “Okay, let’s get started with our training. From what I’ve seen, you can jump on Red Hare while armed, but this unique style of riding isn’t very efficient. And it seems like without some ‘help’ from your brother, you can’t do it without too much effort. Let’s just get you on Red Hare and have you do a few laps around the field while swinging your weapon. How does that sound?”

He patted her shoulder, his smile sweet and reassuring. "Don’t worry. Your brother didn’t mean to hurt you. Just try to forget about it for now.” He was more than grateful that both the cat-lover and her love-at-first-sight husband were provinces away. He expected at least a week of peace.

“Could you help me get on the horse again?” Yinping asked, fetching her mace from the ground. She gave Ma Dai a wide berth as she approached – she silently recalled the time when she had accidentally sent him unconscious to the medical ward. Her fingers remembered the feel of the tattoos on his bare, scarred back, how warm he was to her trembling fingertips.

“Sure, but where is that lazy thing now?” Ma Dai scanned the pasture and found that the horse had joined Yuqiang in padding its stomach with grass. “Ah, there he is! Come, Lady Yinping! Let’s make that spoiled baby move! Well, unless the amount of care you gave it made it too snobby to even work.”

“He’s not spoiled! I just take good care of him, that’s all!” But maybe he was right. She put more effort into Red Hare’s care than into her own training recently; but her father loved that horse, always making sure it was healthy and sated. 

“Oh yeah? And who keeps bringing him tons of dried peaches? Who brushes him daily to the point his coat blinds people? Who brings him warm water to drink every time it gets just slightly chilly and covers him with hundreds of thick blankets before he sleeps?”

She hated that smug smirk he sent her at that moment, which she countered with her usual pouting. At least no one could accuse her of letting the poor animal starve.

The beast ignored them as they drew closer, and Ma Dai gave it a humoring pat on the side. “But then again, this guy is getting pretty old, so maybe it’s better that you treat it so well during these final years.” He laughed, but Red Hare didn’t seem to appreciate being called old. Ma Dai had almost forgotten that horses were intelligent creatures (in his opinion, nearly as smart as humans), although unable to speak. His joke resulted in a crack of its long tail against the back of his head, knocking his hat to the ground. 

“Hey! That wasn’t very nice, Red Bunny! Did you get your attitude from Lu Bu?” His comment elicited an impassive snort from the horse. Yinping and Yuqiang, who happened to walk to her side (probably looking for more petting that he was getting from her recently), stared blankly at the man yelling at a horse. She shook as she tried to conceal her amusement, but laughter spilled from her mouth. She dropped her mace.

The sound attracted Dai’s attention to her. How nice it was to see her smiling again despite the misfortunes of the previous hours, even if her laughter was directed at him.

“All right, enough comedy for now. It’s nice you’re not frowning anymore, my lady.” He scooped his hat from the ground. He wasn’t going to forget his favourite headwear being disrespected, that was for sure. “Also, you’re taking too much care of my horse recently. I hope it doesn’t mean that you think I can’t do it myself. Admittedly, when it comes to braiding, I’m a shameful failure.” For a couple of weeks, Yuqiang had plodded along with his mane and tail diligently braided with green silk ribbons adoring each tiny plait.

“I didn’t think you would mind,” she responded shyly. Maybe he thought the horse looked ridiculous, not majestic enough to ride onto a battlefield.

“He looks so handsome! He seems to enjoy it, too. Right, buddy?” asked Dai. She could swear that the horse’s head shot up before bowing, as if asking for more affection. She immediately placed her hand on its head, scratching it between the ears.

“I think he likes to dress up. Don’t you, Yuqiang?” The animal quietly neighed in response, assuring her it enjoyed her affections.

“Okay, okay, we should stop with all this fawning and get to work. My lady, would you be so kind as to get on your beloved stallion?” Ma Dai braced his feet as he hoisted her up, mace and all. After a brief struggle, she made it to the top of the saddle. “All right, now try circling the field while swinging your weapon. He doesn’t have to run. Just take it easy today. Get used to riding him with only one hand.”

She gained distance as Red Hare started into a trot, leaving him to ruminate on his thoughts while his horse grazed. What in the world did she see in him? Ma Dai couldn’t understand. He certainly wasn’t Guo Jia, whom he had met once before on a chance encounter. Not that he thought himself particularly ugly, but his face wasn’t remarkable and certainly didn’t evoke squeals from village women. How much younger was she in comparison to him? Twenty-one years his junior, if he remembered correctly. He was an accomplished warrior, but he paled in comparison to his cousin, Ma Chao “the Splendid”. His only nickname was “the guy in the weird hat”.

His financial prospects weren’t staggering – well, as a general of the Shu army, he could afford a more comfortable arrangement than many others. His house was spacious despite the fact that no one lived there aside from his servants, who found themselves with little to do since he did not have a wife or children. The land allotted to him by the crown was more than enough to satisfy a dozen horses like Red Hare, but he was no warlord.

Then what was it? Maybe it was that he had shown her kindness after her father and brother died in that horrible battle. He had resolved to return her smile to her face, and she had become a dear friend in the process. Had she mistaken her gratitude for love? He kept telling himself that her feelings couldn’t be serious, even as he found himself enjoying her company more than that of others. She was too shy and modest to ask for anything – on the contrary, she kept insisting on helping him (most likely though the use of her behemoth strength and skull-shattering mace). Nevertheless, he felt humbled by her concern.

All other women began to appear dull in his eyes. None of them seemed to possess a personality as warm or as patient. Only her laughter was enough to stir him from dreams and make him feel excited about facing a new day. He preferred her smile, even if she worried sometimes that her small front teeth made it look funny. (He thought they were cute.) He even loved her spells of grayness, when she was sad and difficult and inconsolable. As many times he tried to scare the idea out of his head, a lingering shred of him played with the thought of being with her.

“I must ask Zhuge Liang to send me back to Liang as soon as possible,” he muttered to himself. Knowing his luck, Liang would be at peace for the moment, with the cavalry perfectly trained as usual. He’d be stuck here for months to come, training another wretched platoon of civilians who couldn’t distinguish a horse from a rat. The loneliness and self-loathing would return once he started on those vile covert assignments again, which left his quarters littered with bottles of baijiu in his attempts to sleep. Scarily enough, it would only make him wish for Yinping even more…

Those thoughts tended to cycle into his head well into another sleepless night, but a familiar voice shouted its way into his mind. He instantly recognized that broken cadence. He felt relief at turning around to find a friend. “Wei Yan! It’s great to see you! How long has it been? A couple of months, was it?!" 

"It…was this.. much… I was told… You here…” Wei Yan explained as he climbed off his spotted horse. Within Shu’s ranks, he was a bigger vessel of distrust than Ma Dai. With his broken speech, coarse mannerisms, and a face no one had ever seen without the mask, everything about Wei Yan signified that he was an outsider even among his own people.

“So how’s life treating you? Anything happen in the north while I was away?” 

“Not much… Cold there… but good see you… in good health…” He turned his gaze to the behemoth of a horse in the distance, the one which Guan Yu had in his possession before, but it was the rider who piqued his interest. Her long braid whipped as she flailed around a weapon that looked too heavy for her slight frame. “Who is… that?” 

“That little lady over there is Guan Yinping. I tutor her in horsemanship in my spare time.” Wei Yan noticed something odd about his friend – when he looked at her, a faint smile played on his lips. It seemed different from his usual one. Warmer. Happier.

“She… your friend?”

“Yeah, and— H— Hey, don’t give me that look! Gods, don’t tell me you’re thinking of replacing Bao Sanniang as local matchmaker!” 

“I met… her… on way here… She… a problem?”

“No, but a nuisance, if I say so myself,” he gave an overt sigh, trying not to rope her back into his thoughts. If Wei Yan encountered Sanniang again, she would most likely try to snake intel about their relationship out of him. On his life, he had to make sure that his friend didn’t reveal to her what a lonely, sad old man he really was. If she knew, he was certain she’d hold a crossbow to his head until he proposed to Yinping. “I’ll explain later, but let’s drop this topic for now.” Wei Yan nodded, so he assumed he understood. “How has my cousin been doing? I haven’t seen him for a while.”

“I don't know… but…” Wei Yan paused mid-sentence.

Ma Dai’s expression changed to concern, hearing the other man’s voice taper into silence. “Is something wrong?”

“Wang Yi… moved with units… closer to border… spies say…” He knew that lying wouldn’t do any favors now – Ma Dai knew him too well, anyway. After this, he wanted to forget that name, that woman completely.

“Damn, it’s been a while since I’ve heard of her. Do you think she’s planning something?” It was very rare to see such a serious demeanor from the usually cheerful soldier.

Wei Yan shook his head sadly. “I… don’t know… That all I hear…”

_Cousin, please look out for yourself. I’m not there anymore to protect you._

—–

Riding Red Hare one-handed had been a queasy experience at first, and her legs had remained cinched around the saddle until she felt confident enough that the horse wasn’t going to throw her off. The horse had been reduced to moving at a fraction of the speed it would have on a battlefield, yet she remained satisfied with her efforts.

She hated to admit it, but she was glad her brothers (or one, to be precise) and her new sister were to be away for a few days. That meant she no longer had to be constantly checking over her shoulders. No one could disturb her moments spent with her lord – well, he wasn’t officially hers, but maybe he could be. Maybe this was the heavens granting her a chance to get closer to him, to actually see if her dreams could become a reality. Then again, Yinping had little idea on how she would go about making herself his wife, at least ones that didn’t make her too embarrassed to function.

There existed another problem as well. Ma Dai was constantly coming to her rescue, being there for her anytime her mind would venture into gloomy territories. Yet, she could never seem to reach him. There were moments when he seemed deeply troubled – how could he not be, with a life consumed by war and death? She’d offer him her hand, willing him to tell her the truth about his problems. He’d just push himself further away with a smile and a curt insistence that he was fine. _Maybe he doesn’t trust me as much as I trust him..._

No one could live this long alone, separated from others and completely reliant on one’s self. She didn’t wish to see him in poor spirits, but it made her feel helpless being unable to help the man that made her think brightly of her future. Maybe she was the wrong person. Maybe he needed affection from someone other than her, someone who could love him better.

Yinping shook her head, trying to focus on her training. She swore to improve so that she wouldn’t have to be so weak. She would make her mentor proud. “Oh, I really need to stop overthinking.” A sigh escaped her lips as she set her gaze on the man standing in the distance. He was not alone; someone else was with him, yet Ma Dai’s companion was unknown to her. Having grown bored with trotting around alone, she set Red Hare on a path towards the stranger.

“Come, Red Hare! Let’s say hello, shall we?” She threw her mace to the ground and leaped off her horse. She drew her weapon from the earth before leading her steed closer to the two men. She noticed that the stranger looked eccentric, to say the least. With that mask covering his face, he reminded her of the Nanman peoples. From the shreds of conversation she could glean, Ma Dai seemed clearly worried, even angry. Neither of them noticed her approaching.

“We not… know much… Maybe Wang Yi… just there…” How oddly the man spoke, his speech broken as if talking hurt him.

“You know well what her agenda is. I just hope my cousin isn’t thinking of seeking peace and asking her for forgiveness. She’s not going to spare him or anyone that gets in her way!”

“He might… not know… she there… Maybe she be… going back…”

“I’d hope so. Ma Chao can’t forgive Cao Cao for what he’s done, so he can’t reasonably expect forgiveness from another when her family’s…” Ma Dai stopped as he watched Wei Yan lift his head at the presence of another person. Seeing that it was Yinping, his expression morphed to his usual shield-like smile. “Oh, my lady. I’m very sorry for ignoring you. Do you need assistance?” His tone sounded a bit too cheerful, given how he was just moments before.

“Uhm, no. I just wanted to say hello to your… friend?” She gave a slight bow of her head to the man. “My name is Guan Yinping. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“I… Wei Yan…” He responded with a stiffer version of her gesture. “Sorry for… your loss… Your brother and father… great warriors…”

“Thank you. Oh, I didn’t mean to disturb! I just wanted to introduce myself, that’s all!” she quickly added, realizing the way the men were looking at her.

“Nah, it’s fine! See, Wei Yan, not only is the lady a talented warrior, but she is also a proper princess. We should take lessons from her, though I’m not sure if braids would suit us.” The compliment would have felt nice, despite its joking nature, if it didn’t sound so forced. It seemed he was trying to stray from the previous subject as much as possible, and it was painfully apparent to both of them.

His companion mustered a nod. “I leave… Will see you… later…”

“All right. We have a lot of catching up to do next time!” He waved as his friend mounted his horse and departed from their presence. For a while afterwards, both Dai and Yinping remained quiet until she finally spoke.

“I’m sorry I made your friend leave. I just wanted to—”

“Don’t apologize. I know you always mean well, my lady.” He smiled at her, but she kept her stare fixed on the ground. He had a feeling she had heard too much, and she was poring over him again.

“It’s just… You sounded troubled, my lord.” She forced herself to meet eyes with him. “Who is Wang Yi? Is she an enemy of Lord Ma Chao?”

She knew he was a liar. He could tell by the way she was pleading at him with her doe eyes, concern painted on her lovely face. She was so young – how could he ever expect to burden her with his worries? What use would it be to tell her about Wang Yi’s fatal grudge, one which Ma Chao had been responsible for? He had slaughtered her entire family in the name of justice, slaying her children in front of her very eyes. There wasn’t a day when he hadn’t regretted it, but all of them knew she could never forgive him. Just like how Ma Chao could never forgive Cao Cao.

“Just a small annoyance. No one worth your time.” He could barely retain his cheerful manner, and Yinping felt as if that was everything he would ever tell her about the matter. Maybe it had been a mistake to even ask. Yinping feared that he would start to resent her for her nosiness on top of the misfortunes that had fallen upon him since he started spending time with her.

“Okay. Sorry I keep asking you for help, but I need to get back on Red Hare.”

“You can always count on me, my lady! Let’s go.” 

—

Despite the stint of unpleasantness, she had enjoyed her afternoon alone with Ma Dai. The two remained undisturbed for the following week. She felt nearly at peace with no one constantly checking to see if her honour was still intact, as if she were a shrine built underneath a storm cloud. She tried to not to feed the fear that Ma Dai was being dishonest with her; and in return, her companion tried diligently to keep her feeling cheerful. He continued to laugh through hangovers after a night of drinking with Wei Yan and only smiled whenever one of his old injuries reopened. 

Even though their most persistent observers were absent, their closeness started to attract knowing gazes whenever they were seen together. Every small touch, even those friendly in nature, caused more whispers to filter from the lips of bored soldiers and nosy servants. They maintained a nearly perverse fascination with the amount of time the two spent alone, away from the prying eyes of others. Eventually, all of them came to a unanimous conclusion.

“They must be lovers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to apologize for being so slow with the update, I blame my work for this, because of the streess, I had no motivation.
> 
>  
> 
> If anyone is curious, Huaman is Guan Suo's wife from Zong Feng Jin, a theatrical opera of Shu's fictional conquest of Nanman. So she's as much fictional as Bao Sanniang.


	11. For her own good

The nuisances of the week seemed to rally against Xingcai, growing into a seething rage that drew closer to her like the castle on the horizon. The base she had evaluated was chalked full of loitering soldiers who behaved as if there wasn’t a war killing their neighbors. It proved nearly a waste of her time, and now the cold was beginning to bite through her fur coat.

As expected, that airhead Sanniang had developed a nasty cold during their stay (though she continued to deny it even after sneezing all over her sword and shield). Predictably, her condition worsened during the crawl back to Chengdu, and Xingcai ended up enduring frequent reminders of how much Sanniang’s bones ached or her head hurt. She had managed to force a felt coat onto the girl so that she wouldn’t be subjected to further complaints about the weather, but Sanniang took to voicing how ugly it looked. Xingcai prayed for the strength to survive until she could dump her oblivious companion back on her husband.

“But Xingcai… This coat smells! And I feel better now! Really! Look at me, I’m the shiniest example of health!” Sanniang feigned her usual cheerful tone, yet her voice sounded gruff exiting her swollen throat. It was getting awfully hard to sit straight on her horse when the outlines of objects were softening in her vision.

“That coat is not to come off until you are in the medical ward! I told you, ‘Wear appropriate clothes; not a veil that freezes the moment it gets wet!’” Xingcai didn’t attempt to mask her irritation, a side effect of her own tiredness plus spending too much time with Sanniang. The girl seemed to talk only about Yinping and Ma Dai lately, showing abnormal interest in the latter’s love life (as if Xingcai had any business knowing anything about that). Her life goal, aside from petting every cat in the land, was to make sure everyone found true love and lived happily ever after with dozens of cute children. She wondered what Sanniang would have done if Guan Ping was still alive, and she knew about the way he looked at Xingcai. He was gone now, killed while trying to protect his family – he would never have his feelings returned.

“But I look awful in it! Can I take it off? Please?”

 _Gods, please kill me or her._ She really needed to have a talk with Suo about his wife.

“Hey, hey, look! That’s— What was his name again? Oh yeah, that’s Wei Yan! He must be – achoo – leaving Chengdu!” Judging from the direction of his horse, Sanniang gauged that he might have been returning to wherever he holed up while he was away from the castle. It could be her last chance to glean some Yinping and Ma Dai info from him. (Did Ma Dai have a nice house? Did he think that his friend and Yinping’s future babies would have her pretty hair?)

“ Nice to… see you again… Lady Xingcai… Lady Sanniang…” he greeted in his usual, broken manner. Sanniang silently noted how nice his tiger fur coat looked. She made a note to ask him where he got it later.

“The pleasure is ours as well. I hope you’ve sorted out your business in Chengdu, and I wish that your journey back—” Xingcai was not able to finish thanks to her companion, who suddenly appeared less ill.

“Hey, you and me need to talk! What was it again—? Oh, yeah! Get of the horse for a moment, would you? I have to ask you something!” She clumsily slid off her mare as the man politely obliged her request. Though, he seemed reluctant.

“Sanniang, get back on your horse right now!” Xingcai snapped, though her words went unheard.

“Okay, you’re friends with Ma Dai, right?! Now tell me – does he happen to have a special somebody in his life? A wife? A concubine? A peasant girl lover? Anyone?! Come on, you’re the only one who can help me!” She implored him with reddened eyes, willing her legs to stop quivering as her fever washed her in an all-consuming coldness. She clung to Wei Yan’s coat as her legs gave in, and he steadied her with his arms. 

_“If you ever encounter this girl again, she will definitely ask you if I’m seeing someone. Tell her that I’m – wait a second – she’ll ask for my lady’s name as well, won’t she?” Ma Dai drank as he gathered his thoughts, which were gradually becoming cloudy like sediment at the bottom of his wine bottle. He tapped his cheek with a finger. “I know! Tell her that her name is Sanxiaojie. Tell her she’s pretty, great, whatever! Just try not to forget, okay? She will never leave me in peace if she knows I’m alone.” He gave a small cringe at the mental image of Sanniang realizing he lied to her. She probably would press a blade to his throat if it would make him exchange vows with Yinping. “Remember. Lie to the best of your ability, all right? I’ll handle the rest.” ___

“He does… He has someone…” His lie elicited a high-pitched whine from Sanniang.

“What’s her name?!” She tightened her grip on the shoulders of his coat and shook him. “Is she pretty? Is she nice?! _” Is she prettier and nicer than Yinping?! But she loves him! How could he deceive her like this?! Wait… He’s not acting like a guy who misses his lady! He must be a big, stinky liar! That smelly bastard!_

“Sanxiaojie… And she very pretty…” Wei Yan gave pause. “Very, very pretty…”

Sanniang groaned weakly. “I know you’re lying, and I’ll figure out the truth eventually.” Her legs buckled under the weight of her fever, and she stumbled into Wei Yan.

Xingcai looked like she’d give away all her worldly possessions just for one enemy soldier to kill. “I’m so sorry, Lord Wei Yan. She’s sick and doesn’t know what she’s doing,” she muttered through clenched teeth.

“That fine… You need help with… her?” He scooped up Sanniang with ease, seeming especially anxious as he climbed back onto his horse. “I can… carry her back…”

“I’d be very grateful. I’m sorry for delaying you.” Suo would hear about this, that’s for sure.

“No problem…” He steered his horse in the direction of Shu castle. Xingcai tailed him, leading Sanniang’s mare behind her. She could see how the other girl was resting against Wei Yan, groaning in pain and burning with fever. Her lips kept murmuring nonsense that made Xingcai’s cheeks heat even in the cold. She could decipher the usual Yinping and Ma Dai-related fantasies dispersed with comments on Wei Yan’s fur coat (she liked everyone’s clothing!) and how unexpectedly nice he smelled.

—

It took a behemoth amount of strength for Ma Dai not to laugh. He really tried his hardest.

Heads poked out doors and appeared behind windows as Wei Yan hauled a sick Bao Sanniang through the thoroughfare like a horse carrying a war courier. Attack warnings came in the form of Sanniang sneezing into the breeze and whining loudly enough for nearby dogs to become frightened. Ma Dai couldn’t judge which was better: the utter fury on Xingcai’s face, Wei Yan’s obvious perplexity, or Sanniang’s feverish mumblings.

He burst out laughing, almost choking after the odd group disappeared in the distance. A hit of an elbow, a very powerful one, into his ribs quickly calmed him. He gazed at his attacker with his usual boyish frown, one not suitable for an adult man. At least she didn’t use her mace. “Hey, that hurt! I don’t think I volunteered as your personal training dummy, my lady!”

“It’s your own fault, my lord. That was not a funny at all! Poor Sanniang must be very sick. Have some compassion for her.” Yinping huffed.

He somehow failed to feel bad for her situation, especially since that girl was getting under his skin way too often lately.

“But…” Yinping’s expression softened. “Shouldn’t we say goodbye to Lord Wei Yan again since he’s back for the moment?”

“Nah, I think we’re sorted. We don’t want to keep him here forever, right?” Ma Dai maintained his quaint smile. Xingcai’s duties should have steered her away from Wei Yan for the moment, yet they come back to the castle in a parade.

“Okay but… There’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you. Has Lord Wei Yan always spoken like that? It just sounds like it hurts when he speaks. But I don’t think it’s annoying or anything!” Maybe it was a mistake to ask something so personal about Wei Yan to his friend. She didn’t want to sound like she didn’t like the man, especially when he was kind enough to delay his trip home so he could carry Sanniang to the medical officer.

Ma Dai didn’t seem to mind such a question. He gave a small sigh as he gathered his thoughts. “You’re right about one thing — it’s difficult for him to talk, painful almost. He told me he used to speak like everyone else.” He kept his voice low as they traversed the yard, the weather thankfully placid that day even with autumn ruling over nature. “He told me that before I had met him, he sustained a massive head injury. He had been struck with a bludgeon that left him unconscious for days. The medics were amazed that he survived, but— After he awoke, he couldn’t speak properly anymore.”

“That sounds horrible! There’s nothing that can be done to help him?”

“That’s very kind of you, my lady, but I don’t think this problem can be fixed. He tried really hard to speak like he used to, but it was all for naught. The worst part is that people treat him like he isn’t human.” He scoffed. He knew Wei Yan didn’t resemble a paragon of trust, but he was a good person. He deserved happiness, a caring wife, and a loving family; but it seemed fate was not going to be kind to his friend. It saddened him to think that he could end up like him, miserable and alone.

“Uhm… I— Nevermind.” She decided to withhold her question; but as usual, her companion seemed to read her mind. Was she really so obvious? She prayed that he wasn’t aware of her feelings towards him.

“I know what you wanted to ask. No, I’ve never seen him without his mask. All he’s told me is that he doesn’t wear it for fun.” Ma Dai’s tone was grave, and it really made her feel sorry for the poor friend of her companion. She only wished for everyone she cared about to be happy; but for the moment, that thought would sadly remain the futile dream of a naive girl. She kept to her gloomy thoughts until she felt her cheeks being gently pinched and pulled, forming a comedic smile on her lips.

“See? I knew you’d look better smiling, my lady!” Ma Dai laughed as he let go of her face.

Her glumness gave way to a hard stare. “My face hurts! I’ll smack you with my mace one day, I swear!”

“Whoa, I had more than enough that one time! Unless… You want to send me to the medics to see my tattoo again, don’t you?” He meant the joke to be innocent, yet his companion instantly flushed.

She recalled the indecent situation, seeing Ma Dai’s bare torso and face obscured by blood and marveling at the feel of the ink lines decorating his back. “No, I’d never—! I mean, you’re embarrassing me!” She yelped and made her leave, shielding the side of her face with a hand.

“Hey! Wait for me, my lady!” He began to give chase but paused before he even made the first step. Maybe it was his imagination, but there seemed something unusual about the way people were looking at him. He had been accustomed to that feeling before, noticing the prying eyes following him every time he was near Yinping. He hoped it would not matter soon. Zhuge Liang was supposed to return from his leave, and then he could request to be sent back to his province. Wang Yi on the move meant trouble, not to mention that his cousin would meet her blades with a plea for forgiveness. It could not end well for anyone.

And he’d be able to leave Yinping behind. It wasn’t that he had burned himself out on her company. Quite the contrary. But she was too fond of him; and scarily enough, he was starting to feel the same way. He had to go.

–

Zhuge Liang remained silent as he sat by a low table, plastered with documents that had accumulated during his short absence. For a while, he had been listening to Ma Dai’s arguments in favor of sending him to his own province due to Wang Yi’s recent activity. Dai kept quiet about another reason as well, but that was something he would allow the general to take to his grave. Zhuge Liang’s face remained calm, not showing any emotion as he played audience to the latest of Ma Dai’s requests. He gave a small sigh as the sermon ended. “I understand you are concerned for Ma Chao, but he is an accomplished warrior.”

The tone of the words didn’t sit well with Ma Dai, despite the strategist’s soft-spoken manner. “Ma Teng asked me to take care of him. This was his final request to me before he was killed. You, my lord, are aware of the grudge Wang Yi has against my cousin. Yet, he still believes he can arrange a truce with her after what had happened to her family. The consequences of this misstep would be dire for all sides.”

“I am aware of this. May I ask who informed you of Wang Yi changing her post?” 

“Wei Yan.” He noticed a small shift on Zhuge Liang’s face — his pale stare suddenly bright, brows furrowing — as he said the name of his friend. “It was also confirmed by our spies.” 

“I heard as well. But he was not aware of this information being outdated. She was last reported with her units near the border of Liang, yet I was told she was currently on her way back to Xuchang.”

“So you don’t intend to send me back. Is that it, Lord Zhuge Liang?” He kept his voice calm, seemingly unfazed; yet he felt a burgeoning anger at the answer he expected to hear.

“Not at the moment. I know you must tire of training people who might not be the most suitable for combat; but as the war drags on, we lose more and more skilled soldiers. Unless there is a different reason you wish to leave Chengdu?” He studied the general’s face.

Something about the question could make even a seasoned killer uneasy. It was as if he could read Dai’s thoughts, the ones that made him question his own feelings lately.

His lips barely moved. “No.” 

“Then I believe this issue has been resolved. Ma Dai, it is good that you are here. It saves me the trouble of summoning you here.”

“And why is that?” Ma Dai knew already what awaited him.

“There is something that I wish for you to take care of. It’s a delicate mission; but knowing your experience, I am sure I can rely on your skills.” Zhuge Liang pushed a bound scroll across the table.

So it was another of those assignments. _Guess another sleepless night awaits me…_

—–

He left the strategist’s chambers in a foul mood. This didn’t place as one of his good days or even one of his decent days — once again, he was to leave for a dangerous, shady mission on top of being forced to return to base.

He could secretly dispatch a messenger to beg his cousin to have him sent home immediately. That usually did the trick — a whiny letter about how much he missed home, a place of emptiness. He rested against a railing, observing people passing by below him. A sigh escaped his lips. He was already planning the words he’d use in the letter. He knew Ma Chao would oblige his wishes, but he still didn’t look forward to listening to more justice speeches.

It would take a messenger at least few days on horseback to get to Liang, and the response could take twice as long. It’d give him time to say goodbye to Yinping.

It’d undoubtedly break her heart — and it would be no one’s fault but his own — but she was a lovely, beautiful young woman. Someone would eventually take his place as her companion and, hopefully, object of affection. Yet, imagining another man by her side, realizing that she’d smile and blush and look at that someone else the way she looked at him — it made his heart felt sting with jealousy. He knew those feelings were selfish. She deserved to marry an emperor, a god, someone worth the affection of the Goddess of War. Not someone like him, a sad, old man that she didn’t even know that well. All she knew of him was a facade, a mask of fake smile and laughter. He was certain she wouldn’t like the real Ma Dai.

It was time to go. As he pulled his weight off the railing, he heard a stern, feminine voice calling him from his peripheral. Xingcai was making steady pace towards him, her eyes trained on him like a war mongrel set loose on a prisoner. “Good evening to you, Lord Ma Dai. May I speak with you for a moment?”

He returned her greeting with a smile, one that failed to change her dire expression. “Sure, do you need my help or anything?”

“I hear you wish to leave Chengdu. May I ask for the reason for it?” The way she continued to study him made Dai feel uneasy. Her brows slowly furrowed as she awaited his answer.

“I’m afraid that information is too personal to share, Xingcai.” His smile dissolved, leaving behind an uncharacteristic flash of weariness on his face.

His reply caused her frown to sink further. “I thought you of all people would have enough decency to deal with what everyone is talking about right now.”

Ma Dai returned her stare, hoping to find an answer in that scowl of hers. “Sorry, but I have no idea what you’re talking about now.”

“Let me enlighten you.” She lowered her voice to a whisper. “People talk. About you and Yinping. That she’s your lover. I know you don’t pay attention to gossip, but I am not pleased with what people are accusing her of while you plan on running away.”

For once in his life, Ma Dai was speechless. His mouth parted, and he didn’t have the breath to produce even a gasp. He felt his posture straightening. He had noticed people watching them, and he could admit that his conduct around her could have been misconstrued. Everyone in the land could speak ill of him — he didn’t care — but Yinping being accused of indecent behavior?

“So you truly aren’t aware. Fine. Tell me one thing, since you seem to be a wise person.” Xingcai shortened the distance between them, throwing a glance over the wall to check for observers. “Have you not noticed the way she looks at you? I apologize for speaking so freely on this delicate matter, but people are not blind, general. From what I know, you are not courting her; yet you spend every free moment with her away from others.”

He remained silent as he tried to form an appropriate response in his head. She was right. He had been aware of her feelings — Yinping’s face was too honest sometimes — but he was to blame for her current predicament. He should have turned her down face-to-face, told her he already had a lover. Instead, his fear kept her hoping that one day he’d look at her as the woman he intended to marry and cherish till the end of his days.

“She’s— She’s not my lover. Xingcai, do you really believe in this nonsense?” It was difficult for him to keep his voice down. His despair felt nauseous coupled with his memories of Yinping, and it burned his cheeks. He’d be lying to himself if he said he hadn’t imagined loving her in all ways, emotionally and sometimes physically; but he would never lay a hand on her.

Xingcai let out a sigh as she crossed her arms over her chest. “No, just— Look, I’m not telling you all this because I have anything against you being her friend. I just don’t want Yinping to end up hurt. She’s too sensitive. And with the way people are talking about her, it might hurt her chances to be married.” Marriage seemed below a lifelong soldier like Xingcai, but she wished for her friend to still have a chance. She met Ma Dai with a softened expression. “You weren’t really trying to abandon Yinping, were you?”

“No, of course not. Have you told Yinping about this?” he asked, his voice devoid of emotion, his expression deprived of any kindness.

She shook her head. “No, not at the moment. I don’t want to upset her; and to be honest, I don’t know how to handle such a matter. But I made sure that the soldiers who contributed to the rumors are thoroughly punished.”

“Don’t tell her a word.” Even if Ma Dai appeared calm, there was a festering rage within him that unsettled even Xingcai. For the first time, she felt a little scared of him. “I will stop seeing her immediately. I hope to be gone from this place soon, so you won’t have to concern yourself much longer.” He could bear with loneliness and his cousin if it meant helping Yinping. Maybe distance could change his feelings for her.

“Do you truly think so? I am not so sure.” For a moment, Xingcai’s face was free of resolve. She looked unsure for once, very much unlike herself.

“You know nothing will stop people from gossiping aside from cutting out their tongues. So please, don’t tell her anything. She won’t handle it well. Is that all you wished to talk to me about?”

“Yes, that’s all.” Xingcai muttered.

Hearing this, Ma Dai turned to walk away. He ventured a few steps before turning over his shoulder. “Oh, if you really have to know, I must leave because Wang Yi seeks to duel my cousin. Sleep well, Lady Zhang.”

—

“Oh no, my hair is in the way again! Ugh, I hope Sanniang will braid it once she’s better!” Yinping dropped her mace as she headed to the training ground. She kept her hair in one place with a few ribbons, bounding it into a thick ponytail; but several streaks went loose with the wind and stuck to her face.

“Hey, Yinping, bad hair day?” She turned to face Zhang Bao, who greeted her with a smile. 

“Oh. Hi, Bao. Well, a little. I can’t braid it myself,” she admitted bashfully.

“Here, let me help.” He stood behind her and brushed at her hair, gathering back all the loose tendrils. “There! Huh, I’m better at this than I thought!”

She laughed. “Yes, you are surprisingly talented! Tell me, how are you these days?”

In the distance, Ma Dai exited the stables with his horse. Yuqiang didn’t seem happy about being relieved of his braids and ribbons. He neighed quietly at his master, who seemed to be in a foul mood. Another bad night darkened the bags under his eyes, worsened by the revelations he had heard from Xingcai. He didn’t hate her for it. He could only hate himself for so carelessly bringing misfortune onto Yinping.

“Come on. We have to go. I know you’re unhappy about it, but you can’t wear those ribbons when we’re on a mission. You think I like leaving my hat behind?” The sound of a distant, familiar laughter made him feel like he was hallucinating, but then he spotted Yinping with Zhang Bao. It was such a lovely scene, the children of Guan Yu and Zhang Fei, sworn brothers of their lord, together. They’d make such a beautiful couple. Everyone in the land would praise such an auspicious coupling.

But as Ma Dai looked at them, he felt a numbing sadness. He wanted to be that person by her side again, listening to her cheerful talk and watching her golden-brown eyes flit with light as she laughed. He scoffed at his own dumb thoughts, his hand clenching at the handle of his favourite spear, soon to be tainted with more blood. “Let’s go Yuqiang.” 

“Hey, isn’t that Ma Dai?” Zhang Bao pointed towards the man, who was mounting his stallion.

Yinping whipped around to catch sight of Ma Dai, and her companion instantly noticed the change on the girl’s face. She seemed even more animated that she had been, her cheeks blooming red.

“Oh yes, that is him! I didn’t know he was leaving! Good morning, my lord!” She yelled and began to wave her arm haphazardly, yet Ma Dai faced forward as he wordlessly spurred Yuqiang.

“Huh.” Yinping’s head slowly turned as her eyes followed them to the main gates. _Maybe he just didn’t notice me…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again I'm very sorry for being slow with updates. Either I have no inspiration or my beta reader is very busy.
> 
>  
> 
> Sanxiaojie is another name for Yinping from the folklore, I know, I am not too subtle with this.  
> I always had the idea that Wei Yan was speaking in such a manner because he had a serious head injury. 
> 
> Usual love and kudos to my dear beta reader.


	12. I'm just very busy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all I'd like to apologize all of you for such a long hiatus with my fanfiction. Sadly, my life has not been too kind to me recently. Hopefully my bad karma will be finally gone.
> 
> Second and this is also extremely important for you to read. This chapter has not gone through my usual beta reader, she told me she had some family issues which I respect, but also I cannot postpone posting the next chapter forever. But still I owe her so much, she helped me greatly with my story and till this day she's more like a co-author than a beta-reader. I am aware you will notice quite a big difference between chapter when it comes to vocabulary. I keep improving my language, but I know I still have much to learn. Although I hope you will not be put off by this chapter because of it.
> 
> Again, I am deeply sorry for the delay.

The loud sneezes and coughs could be heard far from were Bao Sanniang's chambers were. Guan Yinping liked the feel of that place, filled with beads, fabrics and sewing equipment all over the table, shelves and floor, always smelling strongly of sweet flower oils, it was all a bit messy, but it seemed like people with a creative sense had to live in like this, she wondered if Ma Dai's place looked similar. Probably it was filled with half completed works and dirty brushes lying all over the place.

Her illness turned out to be very vicious, not intending to leave the girl alone, any strolls outside were strickly forbidden, that meant trips to the market were out of question and her beloved cats were left without their usual petter. All she could do is read books brought for her from the castle library, which despite being massive held little titles that picked her interest, plus her husband was still away which didn't contribute to improving her mood. 

Yet at least today she had Yinping as her companion who after finishing her duties and training with Red Hare found herself with little to do since her companion was still gone.  It's been six days and there was no sight of him coming back which worried Yinping, successfully depriving her of a proper rest. Last time he returned seriously injured, what if this time it would turn out worse. He could have been hurt somewhere out there, waiting for help that wasn't going to arrive. She really tried not to think about this, but what if he was lying somewhere wounded and unable to move, blood dripping from wounds no one could heal. Or maybe he had already drew his last breath, all alone...

As usual the subject of their conversation was Yinping's complicated love life who decided it was pointless to keep denying her feelings in front of her sister. It didn't make things less awkward but she grew tired of thinking of lies about her constant, ferocius fever around Ma Dai. 

"You know, you look bad Yinping. You should get some sleep... Hey!" the voice calling her snapped her out of her gloomy thoughts. She looked at Sanniang who was sitting on the bed, wearing a thick night robe and covered with tons of blankets. 

"Oh, I'm so sorry..." she shifted slightly as she sat next to Sanniang.

"That's fine, I can imagine you must be worried, but he will be fine. _If he can fight at least half as good as he can lie he will return soon._ Although he is getting old, so..." she coughed in her hand, that damned flu didn't intend to let go of her anytime soon apparently.

"He's not old! He's only 36!" she hoped Sanniang didn't try to insult the man she loved. Although she was aware of their age difference.

"Well, he already has gray hair. Not much, but I did see a few, take off his hat the next time you see him, there are some on the back of his head. Of course I'm not saying he's too old for you or anything like this. By the way, do you actually intend to tell him you love him? If everything is going to go this slow, Ma Dai will turn completely gray before anything is going to happen between the two of you." with hands on her waist she gave her sister a stern look. 

"I... ehm... I do, it's just.... I am not sure if he is interested in me the way I am in him." she admitted, still she couldn't figure out if there was a chance he could return her feelings. He definitely cared for her, was patient enough to still accompany her even if the disaster level that happened to the man because of her would be unbearable for most. And he was always so tender to her, so kind, but maybe that was it, nothing more. 

Sadness in her voice was clear to Sanniang, who felt sorry for her sister. Yet the love interest of the latter was the most problematic right now. He claimed to have someone, but his behaviour contradicted this, she had never seen him dispatching a messenger to carry tons of sappy letter to the woman he loved or look in the distance, longing for his lady that stole his heart. From observing the two she could see how happier Ma Dai seemed with Yinping around, well, he was always a cheerful guy, but with her around, he seemed like an even bigger ball of sunshine, not mentioning he blushed very subtlely from time to time while watching her train which he blamed on the cold weather. 

Maybe he was shy, maybe he wasn't sure of his own feelings for her, or maybe he was afraid Yinping wouldn't have him or that Xing wouldn't bless their marriage? In the last case they could always elope together on his gray horse, that would be so romantic, running away straight into the sunset, but it seemed Yinping would prefer to do things traditional way.

"So there's only one way to find out, just tell him, men are really, really dense when it comes to feelings." she finished her sentence with another cough.

"But I don't want to ruin our friendship! And... I don't know how I'd react if he turns me down... Knowing myself I would start crying in front of him and I don't want him to pity me." Yinping held onto the hem of her skirt, trying not to think what kind of disaster her love confession would end up as. That, and hoping he wouldn't laugh too much at his little friend's crush.

"I can understand that, but then again you don't have much to lose anyway. He won't be here forever after all and I am sure the moment he leaves for Liang you would like to join him as his future- Achoo! bride." 

Yinping nodded to this, focusing her gaze on the floor. That was true, she was slowly running out of time, especially since she was aware something must had been threathening lord Ma Chao's life. She was almost sure Ma Dai would prefer to be by is cousin's side, to protect him like he swore to Ma Teng years ago.

Everytime she imagined Dai's deprture her eyes felt stingy. But if she were to join him she would be the happiest woman in the kingdom, of course that would mean leaving her brothers and friends behind, but she knew she was ready to build her own happiness. With someone she loved.

"So... How should I do this? How should I know it's the right moment to tell him?"

A wide grin appeared on Sanniang's face as a small blush painted her mostly pale features. She grabbed the hands of her sister and began to enlighten the girl.

"Well, you need to wait for a moment he is really happy. Then of course you need to be alone. Okay, I will not follow you!” She noticed that gaze Yinping gave her. „Sorry for spying on the two of you, but I meant well!" 

Her sickness made Sanniang think about her behaviour, mostly caused by Xingcai's yells that were echoing in every part of the castle, propably even the horses in the stables heard that reprimand about her immature behaviour, bringing shame on the Guan family,clinging onto Wei Yan (she promised herself to apologize to the man next time she meets him) and being a burden for the whole army. But she just wanted to make sure Yinping would find happiness with her chosen one.

"I think the best time would be your training with Red Hare. Of course you will need cute clothes for this, I will take care of this, don't worry. No wait, you cannot wear nice stuff during training, they will get icky, just drag him out for a ride together! Men like us to look cute and gorgeous, so that's a must! What do you think of a rabbit fur coat? It will go so well with those silk flowers I made for you, but maybe I should get you new one, how about white lillies, Ma Dai picked them for you to wear that one time, remember? I'm sure he will get the hint! I know you have some pearl jewerly, you must wear it then! Oh, and we will definitely need some new cute boots for you too! Too bad it's not summer time, because you have some killer legs, Yinping! Oops, I got lost into talking about your outfit, but I forgot about the most important part. Tell me, what do you feel when you are around Ma Dai?"

Yinping flushed completely at this question, this was such an intimate thing to say to anyone, but as Sanniang smiled at her she somehow felt it was right to share something this personal. She just stared at the ground for this moment as her hand became to tremble slightly.

"I... um... it's quite embarassing to talk about it, but... I just feel happy with him, so warm inside, I like how even my chest feels tight everytime we're together despite how sometimes it feels a bit painful to breath... He... makes me feel good about myself, that despite my flaws and how often I fail at things that it's fine, that I am great the way I am. He makes me feel safe, like that whatever misery happens upon me, he will always be there to help me. And I want him to feel the same way about me... I am aware what I feel might not be returned, but I wish to at least be a good friend to him and if he'd allow me to, I will love him till the end of my days, I will protect him and care or him, no matter what happens. I will be there for him, just the way he always is for me..."  
She finished, completely red on her face, but as she looked at Sanniang, her sister had the biggest smile on her face she had ever seen and she could swear her eyes were clouded with tears.

"That was so sweet! And that what's you have to tell Ma Dai, tell him exactly how you feel about him! He will not be able to turn you down, especially since I have seen how he looks at you, trust me, he does not look at any woman the way he looks at you, Yinping! And then he will beg your your hand, I can bet all my possession on this! You think he will wear his hat during your wedding? I'm sure he will! That reminds me, I still didn't have a chance to wear this, snatch it one day for me, okay?"

Yinping was completely red at this point, Sanniang's words made her feel a bit more confident about all this, yet his distance with his own feelings, his sadness that she couldn't help him with still worried her, but maybe there was actualy a chance for her happiness to become more than just a sweet daydream.  
"Oh.. okay, I will try and I will tell him eventually..." she uttered.

"And then..." Sanniang smiled devilishly. "You will be married to him and will be able to do all things married people do. You know, hold hands and kiss and more than that..."

As her smile widened even more Yinping understood what she meant. She was an innocent girl, but she immediately got the hint.

"Don't speak about THAT so freely, I can barely imagine him kissing me!" she shrieked. But she had to admit, she wouldn't mind to discover how it would feel to be pressed against her beloved's body, to feel his warmth directly, not throught layers of silk and she had to admit, looking at his shirtless body was a bliss. He was nicely toned, years of wielding his spear and taming wild horses made him look better than most would expect to see beneath the layers of clothes and armour, she had once seen him like this, scars and tatoots just adding to the overral appeal, she quietly hoped to feel one day with her own fingers that recently started to crave for the sensation of touching the man. Now she was the one who felt feverish.

\--

She left Sanniang's chambers in quite a good mood, now she busied herself with caring for Red Hare for the rest of the evening, who was lying peacefully on the hay, looking tired after spending the whole morning training hard in the fields with Yinping. After the last stroke of brush through the horse's coat, she reached for the blanket and covered the animal, making sure it would feel warm during the cold night.

"Alright, I'm done, now you can rest for this night. I must thank you, Red Hare, you actualy listen to my commands, I hope you think of me now as your new rider. I know I'm not as good as Lu Bu or as my father, but I like to think I am not such a disappointment to you anymore." she said as she runned her hand thought the horse's fiery mane. Red Hare looked at her and she could swear he nodded at her words. Maybe he got softer as he grew older, but she didn't care. She was not as talented as other riders, but she had the dedication that made her want to become better, to make herself proud. And her mentor too.

"Sleep well, Red Hare, I will see you tomorrow." she waved at the animal as she left its box. Yinping wondered if Red Hare would mind a having a braid too, but he'd probably look better with one, thick plait, instead of many tiny ones, just like Yiqiang always wore recently. But she had to get a red ribbon for her horse first thing. Or maybe a black one would be better for him... Still if Lu Bu was alive he would probably not appreciate her effort to make Red Hare look cute, but he couldn't say she didn't take care of the horse as good as he would.

She was passing the boxes of other horses, most of them already asleep,heading for the exit, when she saw the stableman leaving the box that usually Yuqiang occupied, saying to the animal inside.

"I will bring medicine for your cuts. Just keep lying down." he said as he quickly made his way out. Yinping curiously looked into the box and to her horror, she saw Yuqiang, with many cuts on his body, looking exhausted to say the least, lying on the hay.

"What happened to you?! You look awful! Are you in pain?!" she shrieked, but the horse seemed to be happy to see her, wiggling his ears at his usual petter and neighing quietly. She kneeled down by the animal, gently stroking his head, worried that the stallion looked so awful. The wounds weren't severe thankfully, but she was worried to see her lord's horse in such a bad condition. Then the horrible thought occured to her. Ma Dai must have returned, but if Yuqiang was in such a bad state...

"Oh no..." she gasped as she jumped up, startling the animal slightly. "I'm sorry, Yuqiang! I will see you tomorrow! I will bring you sweet, dried fruit, I promise, just rest for tonight!" she ran out, making her way to the castle, almost tripping in her frantic movements. He must had been in the medic ward right now, she had to see him immediately. Yinping had this dreadful premonition for Dai's whole absence, but now she was panicking. He must had been hurt, wounded if not worse...

\--

"Yinping, stop right now! You will trip if you keep running like this!" the girl stopped hearing this familiar, feminine voice as she ran thought the corridors. Yueying called from behind her and she obeyed to the command instantly, although every part of her body was screaming to ignore this and keep going. 

"I'm... I'm sorry, lady Yueing! I just... I saw Yuqiang in the... in the stables, wounded! Lord Ma Dai has returned, right?! If the horse is in a bad condition, he also must, he also..." she panted, clencing her beating beating in an erratic rhythm.

"Yes, he was brought back, he was found unconscious outside of the castle, few miles away by our soldiers." she spoke calmly, but as she saw the young girl's panicked state she quickly added. "His life is not in danger, so don't worry, all he needs now is rest as the medic is tending to his wounds."

"That's great to hear, thank you!" Yinping turned to keep on moving, but Yueying was not going to let her go. 

"If you intend to see him I cannot agree for this, he is still unconscious, and even if he wasn't I doubt he is in a state to have any visitors. You can see him tomorrow. For now he needs peace and quiet to recover." Yueying's voice was calm, but serious, Yinping didn't want to admit, but she was right, her lord needed to rest for now. But she was aware she woulnd't sleep well that night.

"Oh... alright... I will visit him tomorrow then..." Yinping nodded as she relucantly made her way back to her chambers, expecting another sleepless night to come. 

Yueying sighed as the girl disappeared in the distance. So the rumours must had been at least partially true. There was something going on between the young woman and the general, no one could worry about another if there were no serious feelings involved. But she hoped people were wrong on one thing, that their relationship was indecent in any form. Guan Yu would not be pleased about this.

\--

"The number of enemies I've encounted was much highed than I was told to expect, but I managed to finish my assignment. That man will not sell information about our units to Wu anymore." Ma Dai spoke quietly to Zhuge Liang as he sat on the cot in the medic ward the morning after he was carried back, bandages covering his chest and arms were soaked with fresh blood. 

His wounds pained him and he kept feeling dizzy from the bloodloss that made him fall from his horse, just few miles from Chengdu. He thanked heavens that didn't happened earlier, because in that case he was sure he would not make it back alive, the enemy would be able to catch up on him.

"I am glad you made out alive and I have to apologize to you, we didn't expect to have the defences this vicious. But you have my thanks, and the whole kingdom of Shu is grateful for your efforts. I will make sure you will be rewarded for everything you do."

"That's just what I do, you know, my lord, our kindgom's prosperity is the most important thing to me." _But I wouldn't mind if you could just send me back..._

"Still a reward will await you, especially since you are the only one willing to do everything I ask you to." he spoke calmly as he was looking at the man. "I will make my leave now, I hope you will recover quickly."

"Thank you." Ma Dai nodded as Zhuge Liang left his side. He was exhausted to say the least as he rested his face in his hands, pain depriving him from a proper rest and all the injuries made it amost impossible to find any comfortable sleeping position. 

He knew he screwed this mission, yes, he did accomplish his goal in the end, but he should not end in such pitiful state. For once, he could not focus on his task, as his mind kept pondering on a different thing, one with the most beautiful hair and the loveliest smile he had seen in his life. The one he brought misfortune upon. Because of this, he was distracted, this was the reason why he ended hurt as if that was his first battle and his horse suffered too. 

It was a miracle he survived in the end, but Dai thought that this would not be the worst in the end. At least that would end all of his problems. Why all this has ended this way, he didn't know. Yinping was just the young girl, the one he found crying in the clearing, the lady he ended seeing from time to time to paint together and train her upon her request in horseriding. Who ended as a precious friend and companion. But he failed to address her crush on him, thinking this was just a cute phase of her, but he could see it was getting more serious while his own feelings towards her were confusing the man. It was not just because she was beautiful as initialy he blamed it on the fact it's been a long time he felt the warmth of a woman... 

All he could pray for now was the fast return of the messsenger he dispatched the night before his leave, hoping Ma Chao would summon him back to Liang. He just had to go, but for now all he could think of was avoiding the lady for the time being, he couldn't bear the fact people were claiming their relationship was based on carnal desires.

"Weird she didn't came here running..." he laughed quietly as he rubbed his side that felt sore. He really expected her to burst in here, probably leaving the door in splints, worried that he ended like this. But it was better this way he thought. Maybe she realized she deserved a better company than his...

But as Ma Dai thought that he could give a try to get a a bit of more sleep, the door of the medic ward opened and Guan Yinping made her way in. She looked as tired as he was now, yet she was free of any injuries, but her features were pale, seemed like she couldn't get much sleep either that night. At first she covered her mouth, as tears filled her eyes. A moment later she was standing next to him, trembling. As usual, she worried too much about him.

"My lord.... you look awful! Who did this to you?! Are you in pain, do you need any help, can I do anything for you?!" He truely looked bad, covered in new wounds, with fresh blood soaking through the bandages, she noticed few cuts on his face also he had a black eye.

"I'm fine, don't worry this much about me. I'm just a tiny bit injured, that's all." he gave her a wry smile which didn't make the girl look less concerned about his miserable state.

"But you look terrible! And Yuqiang looks bad too! I wanted to see you yesterday, but I was told you were unconscious." she sat by his side and again she flushed, seeing the man again in an indecent situation. "But I'm glad you are finally back." 

Yinping smiled at him shyly, trying not to keep looking at Dai's bare chest, obscured by bandages. For once, she felt bad about herself, there he was, hurt and in pain yet she couldn't brush of the desire to make contact with his skin as her face was burning. She had never felt an urge like this before, but recently thinking about him made not only her heart beat faster, but also her body filled with impatience to feel his warmth. Even now, she could smell the gentle hint of sandalwood and ink that surrounded him.

"No need to worry this much, I always get back in one piece. Well sort of." he joked, but it somehow failed to amuse the lady.

"Next time take me with you! I will protect you, my lord." she looked him the eyes, deterrmination burned in her features, how much he adored that side of her, the sheer will to protect everything and everyone she cared about. And he was about to start his plan to distance himself from her very soon.

"Thanks, but this is something I must do on my own, but I appreciate your concern. Did anything interesting happened while I was gone?"

"Well, not much, but I decided that I must work on combat on Red Hare, so I tell the soldiers to put logs on the field for me to smash them, but I think if it continues the forest will be gone... You think dummies made from hay will work too?"

"Sure, anything you can hit will be good..." he paused. "That reminds me, I'd like you to start training on your own for a while."

"What? But why? Oh, you don't want to..."

"No, no, not at all! I like to teach you, but Zhuge Liang was here a moment ago and he asked me to train some more soldiers, plus I am behind with my documents, believe me, it takes lots of time to think of synonyms for word "incompetent" for a bunch of idiots. Heh, I don't get even one moment of break." He really didn't want to lie in her face like this, but he had no other choice. She looked really unhappy about his words, yet Yinping couldn't question it and she didn't sense it as a lie. "Don't mope, my lady, that won't last forever, I still need to teach you about dueling on your horse. I'm sure I will find more time for you soon." Hopefully I'll be gone soon enough.

"Alright... but can I at least take care of Yuqiang for now? I think he would like to get more petting and care. Do you think he will like dried peaches?"

"That is nice of you, I'm sure that spoiled thing of mine will appreciate it. And yes, he likes all fruit, so you can feed him to the point he will have enough. Also I think he misses his braids as well, sorry, he couldn't wear them during an assignment. I think he's even more vain than I am. Thank you." he reached to ruffle her hair which caused her to complain about him always ruining her hair, she couldn't be any more cuter than now. He felt awful that from this day he'd have to do everything to stay away form her. All for her sake...

\--

For the first few days Yinping busied herself with her duties, more training with Red Hare and now visiting Sanniang, who told the maids to aquire for her several, colourful silk fabrics for Yinping's future "love confession" outfit. Upon browsing through heavens knew how many different shades she decided light pink would be the best.

"It will look so good with the white rabbit fur. Oh, you will be gorgeous, like super gorgeous, I wouldn't be surprised if Ma Dai would just pick you up and run away with you in that moment! Ah, that's so romantic! Can you imagine this? You two, embraced, while riding straight into the dawning sun! Sorry, got carried away a bit... I will get the seamstress to come here tomorrow so she can start working on your hanfu and the fur. Don't worry, I'm already sorting boots for you. And will make those lillies for you as well. Just don't forget about your pearls, alright?" she cheerfully exclaimed as she roamed around her chambers, finally be able to get out of the bed. Her table was covered in white silk, already cut into pieces, slowly being formed into the shaped of blooming lillies. They looked so real Yinping swore they must have smelled like real ones. but it was probably because Sanniang already infused them with flower oils.

"Thank you, but you really are doing too much for me." Yinping sighed, she didn't want her sister to burden herself too much about all this. 

"Don't feel bad! I am doing this with pleasure! Oh, you two will make such a lovely married couple!" she giggled as she sat down to start her work again. "Your children will be cute too, hopefully they will have your gorgeous hair!, Not that his is bad, but yours is like freshly woven silk, so shiny and soft, so you know, keep your finger crossed."

Yinping smiled at this, but there was something that started to bother her. Everytime she stumbled upon Ma Dai, he seemed to be relucant to talk to her, telling he needs to train the units or that he's running late for a meeting. She brushed off that thought, she knew he liked her, so it was just a temporary thing.

Yet it kept going for days to come, Ma Dai kept excusing himself from any conversations he had with her and she swore one time he turned the other way when he saw her coming. He said he was busy, she understood, but was he this busy to couldn't exchange a few words with her? At least Guan Suo was pleased that after his return with Xing that his sister spent less time with the man.

"Maybe I'm just being too clingy" she told herself, but all this made her remember her childhood, that sad part of her life where heer father was busy with war and her mother had passed away. All those moments she spend alone, since all other children shunned her, her strenght being abnormal from young age that made all her playmates avoid her. All the lonely evenings... all the teasing about her hair, the moment when she stood with a sword in her hand, her long hair cut off in a moment of fury...

Everyone she liked eventually got tired of her and somehow she started to fear her lord just pitied her at first, but in the end he as well had enough of the misfortunes she brught upon him and he just didn't have the heart to tell her he doesn't want to talk to her anymore.  
No, he is not like them. He likes me the way I am, I know he does.

But Ma Dai seemed to be displeased with even talking to her recently, for two weeks straight he was like this, she didn't know why. That day she rested against the railing, watching the birds flying around the garden area as the sun shined shyly throught the dark clouds. 

She missed Ma Dai's company badly, but she couldn't ask him for his time, since he claimed to be busy, but all felt odd to her. He didn't behave like himself and again she felt something was wrong, but she kept telling herself it was just her imagination. He had too many duties to attend to, that was it, he was going to spend afternoons with her again, watching her progress with horse rise and seeing how her painting finally started to look like art instead of scriblings of a drunk. 

The familiar voice in the distance woke her up from her dreams. Ma Dai was coming this way, she heard him talking to a soldier. This was a good moments for a little test. She decided to stay like this, not move an inch, so he'd stop for sure, pat her shoulder and at least say hello. He didn't start to hate her. He was different...

But as she heard footsteps approaching her and not stopping as they made her way to her, he passed her without stopping and finally disappearing in the distance she turned to see him walking away, ignoring her completely as her gaze was fixed on the man. It felt like a slap in her face from the man she loved, from the one who claimed to be her friend.  
_So it's true... You do hate me..._

\--

For once, the report Ma Dai was working on was a mess, ink dropping from the brush onto the scroll creating something that resembled a pool of black mess instead of a progress document. He sat by the low table, rubbing his forehead. 

He felt awful, disgusted with himself, he passed the lady, completely ignoring her as if she didn't exist in the first place. Till this moment he could feel her gaze burning into his back, how much he wanted to turn back time, to be able to talk to her and enjoy their time together, but it was all wrong, people were talking, he had to protect her from that. 

But why did he feel so empty? Without her all his days were hollow as they were before, distancing himself from Yinping didn't make him feel better. He felt worse, he longed for her company, he craved to see that lovely smile that made him feel happy about the days to come. To make things worse the messenger was not returning which soured his mood even more. Feelings angry at all this he threw the brush across the room, splattering the rest of the ink on the ground.

"The hell is wrong with me?" he asked himself, but he knew the answer to this already. He reached subconciously for the tiniest scroll from the pile, the one gifted to him a while ago, unfolding it he looked at the shaky painting of a horse that looked like the victim of starvation, signed with the familiar, wobbly handwriting. His fingers tenderly brushed the fabric with one hand as the other covered him mouth, making the horrible realization. "No, I cannot be in love with her..."


	13. You should not know about this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it has been a while, a year since I last updated this story. It's not like I lost interest, true I did lose my motivation, but you deserve to hear the whole story.  
> Early this year I got into some health problems which kept worrying me, despite not being serious. Also I changed departments in my company and while I was overjoyed about it, stress came all over me. I wanted to prove them they didn't make a mistake when choosing me. In the end all this stress, all those worries combined together backfired and I ended developing anxieties and panic attacks. I would not wish this upon anyone...  
> So it took me a while to get back together, find enjoyment in things I used to love.
> 
>  
> 
> Don't treat this as a sob story, I just thought that you deserve to know the truth.  
> Anyway, we are going back to the story. Hope you will enjoy it.

"Hey!"  
  
At first Ma Dai didn't hear the voice calling him from behind as he was walking down the corridor, clenching his signature weapon that he finished tending to in one hand. The smell of poison he put on the bristle kept making him feel nauseous and dizzy even after he left his weapon to lay in the early afternoon sun for a while to dry. But even this could not distract him from the thoughts that haunted his mind since yesterday afternoon. When looking at the small painting gifted to him by Guan Yinping some time ago he realized his feelings for her were more serious than he feared. Although he kept denying that he truely loved her, he just could not.  
  
 _She deserves more, she deserves to marry an emperor, a God, I am not worthy her, I can't love her...  
  
_ He sighed as he kept marching, feeling a throbbing headache piercing his skull. Too much baijiu again. All possible excuses he could think off still couldn't shake off the memories of how he felt around the lady, how her sweet smile, her honest and caring nature was giving him hope that his miserable, lonely life could become better. But to him she should never end with someone whose hands were tainted crimson with the blood of people he had to kill for the sake of the country, not only regular soldier and officers, but sometimes civilians as well who dared to whisper ever one false information to the enemy.  
All for the glory of Shu...  
  
"Hey, Ma Dai!"  
  
 _Her brothers hate me anyway, so what I am thinking about...  
  
_ That was true to an extend, anyway. Guan Suo was overreacting (and his young bride was not helping with his paranoia, probably already finished choosing Ma Dai and Guan Yinping's wedding attires and naming their possible future children as well), always hidden in the shadows, watching them from a distance whenever he could. Of course he was not the very best at looking not interested in his sister's love life, not the best possible spy, Dai chuckled lighty. If he really would like to  dishounour Yinping, he'd not wait this long, with the girl's obvious infatuation it would probably need maybe one or two evenings of over-sweetened words to seduce her, but maybe it's better Suo was not aware of this. Still if Dai had a young sister who was being followed by an older, unmarried man, he'd have his doubts as well. Guan Xing on the other hand seemed to not care too much, limiting his interaction with the lady's shadow to exchanging small talk every fourth day. Yet he still could feel him discreetly watching them from afar whenever they were walking around the gardens or grooming their horses together after training in the fields. He was thankful though that as least one of her brothers didn't think of him as a person like Guo Jia was, the man who would definitely try to subdue the goddess of war to his will, using his charm and sweet as honey hollow promises of a life deprived of this neverending bloodshed.  
 _  
I really need to leave this place...  
  
_ "Hey, Ma Dai! Wait!"  
  
He finally stopped and as he turned he saw Zhang Bao running towards him. When he approached the other man he gasped, his face turned crimson, trying to catch his breath desperately.  
"Hey, I've been calling... you... Sorry, you... gave me a nice workout here!" Zhang Bao laughed, running his hand through his unruly hair while in the other one he was clenching a scroll. " You didn't hear me at all?"  
"I'm sorry about it. Do you have any business with me if I may ask?" Ma Dai raised an eyebrow looking at his companion sice their interaction was limited to saying hello to each other.  
"Oh, yeah, about this, well..." he gave him a sheepish grin "I know you are a bit busy nowadays, you training Yinping and the new soldiers, but is there a chance you could tutor me a bit? Just one afternoon of horsemanship! That's all! You are the best after all in the whole castle and I could use a bit of an advice from an expert..."  
He was giving Ma Dai such a innocent look, with this sheepish smile, how could anyone turn this young man down? In this moment Dai felt silly for feeling jealous of the other one. Because he seemed to be a good friend of Yinping, sworn brother of Guan Xing, son of the late Zhang Fei. Because him and _her_ would be a match that would please their ruler, the whole court and even the gods in heavens. How stupid indeed...  
  
"Huh? Yeah, no problem, I am more than welcome to help!" _Even though I am so tired I can barely sleep. Seems like you haven't noticed the bags under my eyes...  
_ "Really?! Thanks a lot! Ehm... I know it seems out of the blue with my request, but you know..." in that moment's Bao's face lost its usual cheerful glow. "Since my father's death I have to make sure the enemy will not surprise me in any way. I have to protect Xingcai, Xing, all people who are dear to me! I can't fail anyone else!"   
The sudden determination, painting his features, made Ma Dai happy, he was sure this young man would do his very best to make sure everyone dear to his heart could feel safe around him.   
"I know that feeling way too well, ugh, let's see" Dai rubbed his stubbly chin, thinking of a good time to see his new trainee. He had more than enough time recently after he was doing his best to avoid Yinping, this very memory made his heart stung. "Tomorrow afternoon seems fine for you?"  
"Sure, I'm seeing Xing in the morning for our usual training, so I'll be more than happy to see you in the fields. Oh, can you ask Yinping to lend you Red Hare for tomorrow? I need to spar you with everything you have!"  
 _Not possible now, I am avoiding her...  
  
_ "Sorry, but I suppose me dueling you with Red Hare as my steed would be too much for you. I'll take my own horse instead, trust me, Yuqiang knows me better than any stallion in the whole land. But..." he gave him a playful grin. "I won't go easy on you, hope your hide can survive more than one fall."   
"Sure thing, I will see you tomorrow!" Bao turned on his heel and he was more than ready to run off when he faced Dai again and pushed the scroll into the older man's hand.  "I almost forgot! A messanger was here before and said that's for you. Well, see you!" ha waved his hand at Ma Dai and ran off, waving his hand, disappearing in the distance.   
"A message... for me..." he whispered as his spear felt out of his hand, hitting the floor as he unfurled the scroll almost frantically.  
  
That was the message he was waiting for impatiently, written by Ma Chao.  
 _Took you a while...  
_ He bagan to read, th _e_ letter was really long and elaborate, full of details of every tiny thing that happened during Ma Dai's absence in Liang,  issues that mattered nothing,he could feel anger building inside of him.   
"Where is it? Where's your answer?!" he hissed as quietly as he could. He thanked heavens there was no one around, guess the gods had mercy on him that day.  
Then finally at the very bottom, after reading all those information that mattered to him less than a dead enemy, he found the part he was looking for.  
  
 _"I truely apologize it took me so long to write you a sensible reply, I was away in the northern regions with the troops for training in harsher conditions. It saddens me, Ma Dai, that you miss your home and my company so much."  
_ "Maybe not your speeches, but I can survive. I've had worse in my life."  
 _"I understand you want to return and allow me to aid you in this dire moment. I intend to visit Chengdu to meet lord Zhuge Liang and few other of our finest officers, I think that I should arrive in about 2 weeks from the moment you get my message. Then we can both part back to Liang, where we both belong. I hope to see you in good health the moment I apprear in the castle. Take care, my cousin."  
_ Dai furled the scroll back, thinking that he should be the happiest man right now. He was going to leave this place, to go back to the place deprived of anyone eagerly awaiting his return. It was the right thing, it was the only way to solve this. To leave Yinping, she'd heal, she'd cope and fall for a better candidate.  
But he couldn't even force himself to pick up his spear from the ground as he felt numb and hollow instead of feeling pleased to get the reply he was hoping to get. It was the right thing to do, she deserved better, more, someone else than him.  
 _I have to go... but I really don't want to leave you, my lady... I"m sorry, I just can't love you..._  
  
\---  
  
Xingcai tried to get along with this day's routine, as she was inspecting the weapons quality in one of the many armouries in Chengdu. But she wasn't alone that day, Guan Yinping was assisting her, but she was giving less than expected amount of effort into her task who had a sorrowful face expression the whole day and Xingcai was aware what was causing it. Her young companion was separated from her friend, someone she poured all her feelings upon. Even as much as she admired that Ma Dai kept his word to stay away from Yinping, all to protect her reputation that was damaged due to vile gossip, she knew it took a toll on both of them, they seemed miserable without each other as if their worlds were beginning to crumble. Were their feelings towards each other this serious?  
  
"Alright, so these swords here are..." Xingcai turned to face her companion who as usual recently was in a sour mood. She sighed as she gave Yinping a stern look. She really wasn't good with dealing with matters of the heart. "Please focus, we need to finish this before  sundown. Let's just count the weapons we need to send to the blacksmith and then we will be done."  
"Oh, I'm sorry, I just... I'm not feeling too well today."  
"Can I help you in any way, I am sure we can solve this issue together." what a well crafted lie that was.  
Yinnping really tried to carry on with her daily routine, but she just couldn't forget how Ma Dai's behaviour had hurt her. Xingcai tried to ignore it, but she really didn't enjoy to be so heartless to her friend. "I just... Lord Ma Dai keeps ignoring me, why is he like this?!" she almost cried. "He promised that he'd be my friend, but he treats me like air!"  
Xingcai gripped her forehead with one hand, maybe she should enlighten her friend about this whole situation, although she really didn't want to. The sweet, innocent nature Guan Yinping possessed made it difficult for everyone to pass on to her every bit of bad information, but she deserved to know.  
  
"Yinping... Tell me, how would you think of a young woman that keeps seeing an older man, far from everyone gazes, locked behind closed doors? Would you think they are just friends, companions?" Xingcai really didn't try to be too blunt with her, but keeping the  from her was far more cruel.  
"Uhm, that they...  Ugh..." Yinping stopped mid-sentence as she met Xingcai's glare, in that moment she realized what her friend meant. She was still oblivious to many things, but since her feelings to Ma Dai kept growing, she started to embrace the idea of mature desires. Even the carnal ones, those she kept experiencing for some time now which made her restless during the night, body pulsing with this overwhelming need to be held and touched and kissed by the one she loved.  
"That's right, that their relationship is far from decent. So please, don't be surprised if I tell you the whole castle is full of gossip about you and Ma Dai being lovers."  
"Lovers?! But we're not... he's not my...!" a squeal left Yinping's throat as her face felt feverish. She had no idea anyone that people were thinking of her relationsip with Ma Dai as something that would put shame upon her family, how could anyone dare?!  
  
"I know that." She placed her hand on her friend's shoulder. "But please listen. I know you might not like what you hear, but you stare at him as if he was a god, you blush in his presence so much you could set the whole castle on fire, so I'm sorry, but you are giving everyone around more than enough reasons to talk about the two of you.  I know there is nothing indecent going on, but I have heard more than enough soldiers and servants talking about the two of you and trust me, you don't want to hear the details."  
"But I... Then why..." Yinping stopped again, when the sudden realization came to her weary mind as Xingcai continued with her tirade about how immoral the friendship between Ma Chao's cousin and the Goddess of War was. Of course her friend meant well, she could not deny it.  She spent so many hours thinking about the reason why suddenly Ma Dai had stopped seeing her, even pretending he didn't see her in the distance, ignoring her pleads to spend just a moment with her. And she realized she had become a burden to him, always craving his companionship, eagerly running to him just to exchange few words before they'd part way. But all she brought upon him was more pain and waste of his time, so he just decided to stop this friendship. _He probably heard about all this. What a perfect excuse it was for him... Because all he felt for me is pity..._  
"But that does not explain why he's avoiding me!" Yinping burst out loudly, stopping Xingcai from continuing the speech she wasn't going to listen to anyway. "He kept saying that he'd always be there for me, that he'd help me whatever kind of misery would happen upon me!" Her voice became low out of the sudden. "He just needed an excuse,didn't he?"  
"I'm sorry, but I don't understand." Xingcai said, but she was the reason Yinping was so miserable, she told Ma Dai about those gossips, and as much as some would distrust the general who would carry himself so extravagant, he was a man of honour.   
  
"He started to hate me, just as everyone I knew, because I'm clumsy and clingy! Because I break things, because I'm so oblivious to issues happening around. I did hit him accidentally, so he ended unconscious, I annoy him just as everyone, so he just..." she sniffed, her voice almost cracking at the amount of feelings building in her heart.   
"Yinping, please calm down..."  
"No!!! I will not!" she yelled, thankfully the heavens were merciful and they were alone in the armoury, with no soldiers around the area in that moment, so no one could add more details to the gossip already spreading like a disease. "He promised, he promised to be my friend and the moment he found a good excuse he left me like everyone!" Yinping stomped her foot in anger, the stone beneath her feet cracking. She tunred around and made her way towards the exit.   
"Wait, where are you going?!" Xingcai called even though she already knew the answer.  
Yinping stopped just for a moment, looked back at Xingcai and said "I want to see lord Ma Dai." She pushed the heavy door and ran off into the distance.  
She already left, leaving Xingcai speechless and alone in the armoury.  
 _Is it really this serious between the two of you?  
  
\---  
  
_She was running frantically throught the corridors, passing the guards and servants without a word, looking for the man she had to talk for the last time before she'd get the answer she didn't want to hear, but she didn't care, all Yinping wanted to know was the truth. Then after maybe a 20 minute run around the casle she finally spotted him in the distance.   
_I know it will pain me, but I need to know. Just admit you hate me, I will understand. That you are just like everyone else, sick and tired of me..._  
Ma Dai was making his way back towards his quarters, his mind gloomy since he read the meaage written by his cousin, he got what he wanted, but still he couldn't shake off the feeling of overwhelming sadness. He was going to leave lady Yinping in around 14 days, maybe sooner than that. And just recently he was understanding his feelings towards the young woman were more than just desires of the flesh.  
 _I just need to avoid her till I'll leave this place... It won't be long..._ he lied to himself, of course I'd hurt, both him and the lady, but it was all for the best.  
But that didn't ease his worries as he felt as the worst scoundrel in the land for hurting _her_ feelings.   
_She will move on, she will forget about me.... It must be done. I need to leave.  
_ "Wait!" he heard someone called him and he knew that sweet voice way too well. Dai turned to see Yinping walking towards him, her voice ringing in his ears with determination _,_ her gaze filled with rage. This conversation was destined to end not well.  
"Please, don't make it hard upon both of us..." he whispered inaudibly as he saw her marching towards him. _Please, just leave. I don't want to hurt your feelings anymore..._  
  
   
 _  
  
_  
 __  
  
  


 


	14. Can't hold back anymore.

  
  
"Wait!" she called, running towards the man she was looking for. Yinping knew that the outcome of the incoming conversation would break her heart, but she didn't care in the slightest, she just wanted honesty, something Ma Dai always had problems with during the whole time he stayed at Chengdu. He stopped when he heard her voice, full of anger and turned to see her, her face flushed and tense, her hair a mess again.  
"Oh, good afternoon, lady Guan..." he murmured as she faced him, cheeks flushed and her lungs out of breath. She hated how he called her by her family name.  
_I thought we were close..._  
"I need to speak with you, please, just one moment of your _busy_ time!" he could hear the bitterness when she mentioned his excuse he's been using for the past two weeks. He couldn't dodge this one, she was so determined and angry that for the first time he couldn't think of a reply that would get him out of this situation.  
"I... Very well, my lady. Do you want to talk here or..." he didn't even finish when she interrupted him mid-sentence.  
"Just follow me." she turned her back to him and marched away, and he followed her. While listening to their footsteps her mind was racing, she wanted to talk to him, but where? Despite the sizes of the castle finding a quiet place without anyone meddling was an overwhelming task.  
_Where should we go?!_ her thoughts running through her mind. _My room? No, Sanniang does not respect my privacy at all! The stables, no, this is silly... Think... Think, Yinping... The gardens, yes! Everyone is avoiding this place since it's too cold!_  
  
He followed her without another word, still clutching his weapon in one hand and the scroll with the message from his cousin in another. They marched for few minutes in absolute silence, Yinping didn't even once turned back to look at him, her mind was busy on what to say to him once they reach the place for them to talk, without anyone eavesdrop. After a while they ended in a far end of the castle gardens, Yinping inhaled the cold air into her lungs, turned to face Dai, who placed his belonging ot the ground, she never felt this confident in her life. Maybe it was because it involved the matter of the heart.  
"My lord... Why are you avoiding me? Why were you lying to me?"  
"I didn't lie about anything to you." he said quietly, his expression dull. Yet inside his conflicting emotions were stricking his soul to the very core. _How can I lie to her like this the whole time...?_  
  
"I know from Xingcai what people are talking about us! That you and me, that we are..." she finished in a murmur, almost inaudible for both of them. "Lovers..."  
The crimson spread on her cheeks as he did the same, he could feel the raising temperature radiating from her body just as his own flesh felt like it was burning. Both were guilty of having inappropriate thought of each other, imagining how their skin would feel against the other one,  hushed whispers silenced during  the night, warmth shared between bodies, lusting with desire.  
"So you know..." he sighed as he took his hat off to brush his hair from his forehead and putting it back on. His expression changed to slighly worried, but she expected more from him, again he was failing her. "I heard about this some time ago, so I thought that if I... stop seeing you, others will stop with those horrendous rumors."  
That didn't calm her down the slighest, her hands clenched into fists, the desire to punch something into splinters growing.  
"Then why didn't you talk to me about this?! It involves me too!" Yinping lost control of her voice, her foot stomping the pathway, cracking the path slightly. This time Ma Dai was not surprised with her reaction. He deceived her for days and only half of the reasons were to help restoring the lady's honour in the eyes of others.  
"I knew that you had been through much in the recent months and I just didn't want to add to your suffering. I am truely sorry about this, but please, bare in mind that my intentions were sincere..."  
His monotone voice was making her more furious with each passing word, he had no problem with lying straight into her sweet face without changing his face expression, but all Dai was thinking about was how much his forced calmness was hurting her, he wanted to tell her the whole truth.  
_I love you, but I am not worthy of you... Please, just forget about me..._  
  
"You are lying... You always do, my lord..." she lowered her head, staring at the cracked ground beneath her feet, her nails close to pierce the skin of her clenched palms. She could not muster his lack of passion in this moment they shared.  
"What do you mean? I never lied to you!" somehow the facade has disappeared just a bit, but the tiny change in the tone of his voice did not matter to her. She finally gathered the courage to look up, and her face made him feel like the worst scoundrel in the land.  
Yinping's eyes were red, just as her cheeks, but her lips was depraved of any colour, pursed tightly. She was using all her mental strenght to not cry, but it didn't help too much in this situation. All she wanted of him was a bit of sincerity, but even that was too much to ask for.  
"You are doing this now... You are lying about all this... just as you..." her voice cracked "pretended being my friend...."  
That sentence made him feel the ground completly crumbled between his feet. Did she really believe that all he said to her, that all their moments spent together were just a bunch of lies?!  
"Why are you saying this?" his own voice slightly raising, for once losing his composure, the one he trained during all those lonely years. But that didn't impress the woman in front of him, she was so used to him creating words just to please her.  
  
"You... just took pity in me, didn't you?"  
"Why would you ever think of anything like this?!" _If I just had the courage to tell you everything I feel..._  
"You... You felt sorry for me, this is why.... You decided to... be my companion, because of this..." she sniffed and in that moment Dai's heart shattered into pieces. Tears she tried to hold back so badly finally started to flow uncontrollably down her hot cheeks, making their way to the ground. He just made her cry, while he vowed to himself anyone who would make her shed just a single tear would be punished in the most horrific way, now he became the cause of it.  
"No, please let me explain! I am your friend!"  
"You just wanted to make me feel better, because you are kind to others as well... You... accepted to be by my side, yet finally you realized... How childish, how clingy I am... And you got tired of me... Because I hurt you, I pester you... I break things, because I'm too strong...I was in a situation..." she wiped her eyes with her sleeves, but that didn't help her tears to stop flowing, reddening her features even more. "Like this before, people... get tired of me... They get sick of me, but... you at least tried to... pretend to be my friend despite hating me!" she finished with a painful sob escaping her lips as she covered them with her cold hands.  
"You got it all wrong, believe me! I never pitied you, you are very dear to me, more than anyone in this land!" he wanted to add that he loved her, but it was not the right time, nor the right moment. How much he wanted to wrap his arms around her, to hush her sobs with his words. And kiss her till she'd calm down...  
For once, she sensed the emotions filing his voice, his face painted with concern, but that didn't matter. All his actions, his words were hollow to her, Yinping she learned that the man she loved lied about all of his emotions tearing his soul.  
She lowered her head again and her speech became calmer, yet still drowned in sorrow and disappoitment. She accepted that Ma Dai would never love her. Or be her friend at the very least, but it was good in the end, at least she could pretend that for once someone cared for her this much.  
"I should at least thank you... for teaching me... how to ride Red Hare properly... how to paint and write neatly... So..." she bowed to him slightly and as she faced him after a moment later, she smiled through her tears, pouring down her lovely face. That was the final blow that made his own eyes sting.  "Thank you, lord Ma Dai... I promise I won't... I won't pester you anymore!" she turned around and began to run as she started to sob again. He reached out his arm, but he couldn't move even an inch. Paralized with guilt and hatred for his own actions, still hearing her sobs fading as she made her frantic run away from him.  
"Come back!" he yelled, but she was gone, disappearing behind the pathway filled with dead leaves and dried out plants. He lowered his arm finally, clenching his own fists and made a resolution to himself to apologize for all he did. All these emotions made him abandon his previous promise to never drop his mask, but she deserved the truth.  
  _I... I will make things right this time!_  
After a moment Ma Dai got the control of his body again and ran, leaving his possessions behind. To find the woman that he promised nothing in this world would harm her anymore. Even himself.  
  
\--  
  
Dai ran through the whole castle's corridors, passing people as they didn't exist and looking for Yinping everywhere, but she was nowhere to be found. Eventually he ended in the stables, where his maniac search of the woman had come to naught. Out of breath, he ventured slowly to the box of his horse, slaming his fist furiously into the wall.  
"I'm sorry... I failed you, my lady..." he panted angrily, conflicted feelings tearing his heart apart. It was all, but naught, she hated him, there was no hope to regain her friendship, to restore their bond was more than a fickle dream...  
But gods seemed to be mercifully to him now. As he was passing the usual resting place of Red Hare, deprived of any will to keep going, he noticed the demon stallion was gone. That was more of an blessing than he could pray for. She must have left to train, that always helped her in stressful situations, she must had been out there somewhere, she had too be!  
With his newly regained strenght he ran to Yuqiang's box, determined to once in his life be honest with his feelings... Aside from the one hidden deep inside, but that had to wait for a day that would probably never happen...  
"Come on, Yuqiang, let's find our lady." he put the saddle on his mount, climbed onto it and made it gallop into the distance. Cold wind brushed his cheeks while he urged his horse to run faster as the sun was starting to hide behind the horizon, but he was burning with passion inside.  
  
  
\--  
  
She swung her mace furiously while trying to remain balanced on top of Red Hare, even thought her arms were already sore, she kept diligent into her routine while urging her stallion to gallop around the field. Her eyelids  were swollen from her sobs, how could she do this, weep in front of him like a little girl, she repeated to herself as more tears were ready to run down her cheeks.  
"I'm so pathetic..." Yinping uttered to herself as she tried to swing her weapon again, but it slipped from her graps and landed on the ground. "Just great." groaning she jumped off her mount to pick up her mace, but she felt relucant to climb back up. She felt numb and tired, all she wanted was a bit of honesty from Ma Dai, but he couldn't give her this.  
She did not want him to see her like this, but her emotions took over and she ended looking like this little, whiny girl. She was lost in her thoughts till she heard someone approaching the area, the hooves of a horse slamming against the ground. As she turned to see who was coming, her heart froze. It was Ma Dai, slowly making his way towards her on top of Yuqiang.  
"Ignore him, Red Hare..." she uttered as she tried to get back into the saddle, but failed in the end. Looking back she noticed he got off his mount, leading Yuqiang by the reins to where she was busy training.  
_Why are you here? Go away!_  
  
Ma Dai felt numb as he was approaching her, how to apologize, how to make her know all he did was for her own good. Well, that was partially true, he also did this to hide his own feelings, but it seemed that would not work for a long time anymore. And he could feel he was reaching his limit, every conversation with her was becoming a chore of holding himself back from hugging her and run away with her back to into Liang province.  
As he aproached her he murmured "Good afternoon, my lady..."  
She refused to look at him, thinking that ignoring him would make him go away.  
"Sorry, I am busy now..." Yinping retorted as she made another attempt to mount Red Hare, but her mace was dragging her down, also she was just too tired to continue, in the end she dropped her weapon. She just wanted him to go away.  
Yuqiang made her way towards her, poking her shoulder with his head, begging for more caressing. He neighed quietly, as he was asking for some petting from the woman, she spoiled him too much recently with the constant brushing, braiding, petting and giving sweet fruit. She could not ignore that so she turned around to pet him and the Ma Dai saw her face, tired and pale, avoiding eye contact with him at all cost. He couldn't handle it anymore, and that was all his fault.  
  
"Hello there, you look like you miss your plaits." She smiled shyly at the animal, but as she looked at Ma Dai her expression became stern again. "Your master will have to learn how to braid your mane..."  
_What do you want of me?_  
"Do you need any help, seems like you are having a bit of a trouble to get back on your horse." the slight humorous tone was met with her looking away.  
"Am I needed back in the castle, is there an emergency that requires my presence?" her tone was ice cold and posture stern. Thier mounts decided to trot away to graze on the dark, autumn grass, leaving them alone. He noticed she was starting to shiver, despite the fact Yinping's outfit was suitable for this weather. She was close to burts, but he had to remain and at least try to explain it all to her.  
"No... I just wanted to..."  
"Then why are you here? Have you not humiliated me enough already?! Just go!" she sobbed, she couldn't hold her tears back again. "Why won't you leave me alone?! You just..."  
"Please, just let me explain it all to you!"  
"No, just go!"  
  
"I won't till you hear me out!" Dai lost his calmness and Yinping gasped as she took a step back, she had never seen him like this, losing his temper. _Great, I just scared her._ His own emotions took over and he was determined to let her know how much she meant to him, but now all her did was frighten her. "Please, listen to what I have to say, you can tell me not to speak to you for the rest of my life, but I will not leave till you give me a moment to explain! I beg of you..."  
He really seemed desperate, the facade dropped completely, it was just too much for him to keep it bottled inside.  
  
"Sorry for my outburst, my lady, but..." he took a deep breath, trying to get himself back together. Taking a step foward he closed the distance between them and she never felt this much intimidated by him, so much she could not look him in the eye. "I just need you to know, that I never in my life wanted to cause you harm in any way. I know that... I did it in the end, but it was never my intention."  
"If you want my forgiveness so badly..." she started, but what Dai said was something that stopped her instantly.  
"You are wrong. I do not seek your forgiveness."  
Yinping's eyes went wide as she finally looked at him, taken aback by his words, spoken so calm, yet his gaze was full of emotions she had problem to decipher. He seemed angry, disappointed and somehow, really sad as well.  
  
Her mouth was slightly open as she tried to form a reply to what she heard, but again she didn't even had the chance to say one word.  
"I do not want it, because I do not deserve it, my lady..." he couldn't look at her anymore, he turned his gaze to the side, , but she had seen the sorrow in his eyes and his voice overfilled with regret for what he did to her. And she didn't believe he meant it.  
"Lord Dai..."  
"Why should I even desire it? You have given me so much, my lady, you are my friend, my dear companion, someone who actualy cares about someone as pathetic as me... While in return I've hurt you, even though I thought it will be better for you, but it made you miserable in the end. Just as it made me feel as well..."  
"But you are not pathetic! Why do you..." she almost cried, but he didn't let her finsh again.  
  
"You have shown me so much kindness, when you ask me how I feel I know you are not just exchanging pleasantries, but you are genuinely worried about my well being and it's been such a long time since anyone cared about me like you do. I know how you think that you are imposing yourself on me, that you seek my company everyday , but believe me, even if I am feeling unwell or bothered by something, having you by my side is like the blessing of the gods. Because you make me smile, and it's genuine, unlike the one I put on everyday. Once you make someone laugh they expect you to do this everyday, while no one asks how I feel. And then you came along. And I will thank heavens for every moment spend with you." Dai finished while Yinping could not create a single sentence to reply, but the honesty of his words, it made her heart tremble, he was so humble now, she wanted to know what was on his mind, but she still felt guilty that she made him feel like he didn't deserve her compassion.  
  
"Lord Dai... I am sorry, I should have not forced you to say all this..." She clutched her hands to her chest, fearing her heart would burst out of it. _Gods, I'm calling him by his name. I should not do this..._ "You are very dear to me as well and I just... I believe you." she smiled at him shyly, her brown eyes glistering in the autumn sun. She couldn't look more beautiful than now. "Just, please... be honest with me, whatever is on your mind, tell me, I want to be there for you whenever you need me."  
  
"Don't ever applogize to me,it all of this was my mistake. If you want my sincerety, so be it, I will tell you everything that's on my mind from now on." _Forgive me, but I can't hold back anymore._  
He wrapped his arms around her and pulled the girl into a tight embrace before she could even utter a single word, her face resting against his chest,  heartbeat rabid and loud, but the sound was so soothing, making her eyelids shut. How much she had dreamt of a moment like this, to be held by the man she loved, but it was just a friendly gesture, nothing more, she kept telling herself. Slowly relaxing, she ended embracing him back, but Yinping had no courage to look at him, she only wished for the time to stop.  
  
"You are so lovely, my lady..." she heard and then she felt his hand on her chin, lifting it so she could could her look at him despite the nervousness growing in her heart. What was he up to, she couldnd't understand. His smile was so sweet and the sadness in his eyes was gone, for the first time since she met him. Yet Dai didn't stop at this, he lowered himself so their lips were just an inch away, his warm breath tickling her cold skin. "I have thanked the gods so many times  for you to be at my side, my love."  
"My love?!  Do you..?!"  
"I'm sorry about everything, but know this, Yinping... A man in love does some very foolish things. And yes, I do love you." she gasped hearing this "Lord Da, you..."... he sealed her hushed words with a gentle kiss on her lips. At first she was shocked,, unable to move a muscle, but a moment later she buried her fingers into his hair, knocking off his hat in the process. As he was holding her close, kissing her like there was no tomorrow, Yinping begged the heavens all of this it would not be a just a sweet dream.  
  
  
  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, we reached the historic moment, I mean I wanted to postpone it at first, but nah.  
> patty, I hope you are happy now. :)
> 
> Oh, if you want to leave a comment, I'd like to know your opinion on designs of Ma Dai and Guan Yinping in DW9.


End file.
